Brittle and white shells

Slowly starting to come together. I read somewhere about gold filled cracks of pots and China form to make something that is worthy of being shown tik the world.  I’m trying to start each dat by deciding yo be happy.  I feel like I have to keep this delicate balance I have going right now. I’m working on.my physical and mental health all at the same time and boy us it like spinning plates.  I pray I have the strength to keep everything balanced. I’m wanting to move forward on whatever path I’ve stumbled onto. Writing really helps. The music is back to comforting me instead of being a reminder of fucking up. It felt like that for a little bit but thar first night home, I knew all would be well. I actually felt it when I stared out the planes window and glimpsed the lights in portland. I’ve found home. And I’m doing ok today.

Help would be nice

The Bliss is gone. I’ve fucked up all the plans I had for the future and I fucked up with the one person that means the most to me. It’s gonna be real hard to let you go but I have to find some way to continue on in my life and I can’t do this anymore. The hints. The clues. They aren’t enough for me right now. I always believed that I would be with you already. After CB I thought we would be together but I’ve been just going crazy the whole time. The logo: I’ll never know who or why someone did that but now it feels like it doesn’t mean anything. Just some sort of glitch that keeps happening.  It used to soothe me. Knowing that you were out there waiting for me made life a lot better. It gave me something to look forward to. Now it’s empty. I feel empty and alone and I guess that’s what god wants me to be. I’m trying to believe, I’m trying but the clues are gone. The Bliss is gone and I just don’t know what to do with myself. My dream of working the tour is gone. It’s all gone. All my dreams have been shattered and now I’m just a pile if white egg shell pieces and I don’t know how to put myself back together again.

Im trying

Im trying so hard right now but all I can do is be sad. I can’t shake it.

Boogie on

One of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had was in the front row of a Phish show when they played a 21 or so minute Boogie On Reggae Woman. I was surrounded with friends. I was in the front 5 rows with those 20 or so friends and I was with someone I really cared about and go to share it with him. He is one of the ex’s I have that I have no animosity towards. We dated for a few years and had some really good times. I moved to Oregon with him. We crossed the country together a couple of times. The first time in a bright yellow VW bus. His dreads causing us concern that the cops would pull us over and they did. Somewhere between Wisconsin and Montana those blue and reds lit up and we had to explain who we were and what we were doing. I have fond memories of that bright yellow VW bus who was named Sunshine when I was her part time owner. I still go up a hill in Portland and think of the first time I tried to go up it in Sunshine. I dragged her gears so much I swear she swore at me in VW Bus language. She was a fickle machine who took me many miles. I laughed til I couldn’t see to drive in her one night. I also spent hours at a machine shop in hopes of getting home with her too. Driving a VW is like owning a petulant child.

She broke down in Vegas and that was ugly. She ended up being left in an airport while we rented a car to get home. She just didn’t have enough energy to get all of us home and CB had to get to a flight. We ended up stopping at Lake Shasta and while I can’t remember if I swam in the lake, my friends did and I found a picture of them just the other day while cleaning out the storage space I call the ‘magic room’

That brings me to my life. Just posting that I was stuck made the words come out again.

I am cleaning out the last 18 years of my life and it’s amazing how little I have and I am thankful for that. Living a less materialistic life seems to make me happy and it makes moving a heck of a lot easier.

Stuck

I’ve hit a wall in life.

Not sure how to get around it. Or over it. Or break it down. Not sure which way to go.

Some guidance would be nice. I do so much better when directed then when I’m in charge.

Up and UP

That’s all there is left to do. Go forward. Go up and up and up.

He just showed up at the office and signed the paperwork so as of tomorrow, when I sign, we will have finally come to an agreement on how much money I pay him to leave me alone basically. It’s either that or fight him in court.  I could definitely take him on in court but I figure its enough for the one year we spent together that I can remember him being totally honest with me. The lies started a year after we met and continued up til the last time I heard him speak; the courtroom when I faced him for the restraining order. I really honestly dont think he understands how much in fear I was of him. Perhaps he does and that’s why he pushed me to where this is ending.

It’s a very solitary thing, getting a divorce. This whole life I have going is quite solitary but I don’t mind it. Im alone, but I seem to be alone around other people a lot. Like I am right now at the studio. It’s a calmign place to be. Im surrounded by people who are honestly nice to me and I don’t sense any negativity on them at all. Everone in this business, well most of the ones I’ve met so far, are very positive happy people. I think it’s because we all love what we are doing and that makes it much more enjoyable.

Now comes more hard work. And figuring out the best step in life that I need to take to get to where I need to be.

Stuck in a lift

I swear I’m finding myself stuck in a lift an awful lot these days.

19 months

It’s now been 19 months since my mof. And i still to this day wonder if I’m getting better. Am I back to what I was before. Will there ever be a ‘back’ to who I was before? I guess the answer is no, because who I was before the malfunctioning organs is in no way shape or form recognizable to me right now. I still have anxiety, but going out to a show by myself doesn’t have the scary factor that it used to have. I still stumble on words and now I”m having teeth trouble and i sound like a serious dork. I can’t stop sleeping either.

How do I explain to someone the magical things that I experience. I can’t really talk about it anymore and that some what pains me. I’m not used to not being able to share the amazing things that are happening but Im starting to realize that is how it has to be from now on. I have to accept some things with this current change in my life. Bigger things that are not in my control are happening to me and that’s well, a bit strange. I’m just trying to hang on and learn how to have patience. Right? Right.

I’m very curious about life a little bit today. I’m finally seeing the end of the tunnel Im in when it comes to cleaning up this house that I’ve lived in for 18 years. 15 of those years are starting to feel like a wisp in the wind and I’m happy about that. It sometimes feels as if it didn’t happen but then I’ll see something and woosh I’ll get a serious memory. Today I cried in bed. One of those deep cry’s that shake you to your core. I couldn’t identify the reason for it. I’m honestly doing ok deep down under this depression that I’ve got right now that I attribute to the time change. Why do we do that again? It’s back to an Oregon winter. The gray. I ran outsdie the minute I saw the sun and Im starting to wonder if I can handle an entire winter here on my own. I’ve always had roommates. Even from the moment I bought this house. I guess this is what I’m supposed to work on right now. Doing things my way.

I’m alive and I have a soul…

 

If we’ve only got this life..

It’s hard because I’m living so much in the future right now. I think I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. I can’t stop sleeping or eating. At least I’m starting to learn the healthier and lower calorie things to snack on. My anxiety is lessened. I even went and hung out by myself in a public place. That was a tough one for sure. To be sitting at the bar and looking at all the people hanging with other people. I do not like it, but I can do it when I want to play galaga, which is pretty often. I’m quite addicted to that game.

Stuck, In a lift.

That’s where I am right now. Stuck in between worlds. THe old me vs. the new me. I’m definitely enjoying the new me. THe after mof me. I was gifted what seems to be a 50% shot of living after multiple organ failure. That’s kinda scary. My dexterity in my fingers is starting to come back. My words to get stuck as often as they have been and im about, oh, a year and a half out from near death now.

The magic is there still. So is the Bliss. I realize I’m not talking about it as much but it’s becoming more personal to me I suppose. Something that doesn’t need to be shared about anymore. I realize now that there are things I need to keep to myself. That is another new lesson I’m learning. I’ve repeated this often, that I feel like Im a college kid just because of the similarities of the things I’ve had to and still need to learn that I remember needing to learn my freshman year of college. That I didn’t learn nor did I need to but I feel the urge to try and better myself. I want to find a career I love and spend 20 years doing it. I want that to be in music.

I want to get a job. I don’t know doing what and Im thinking I might need to go to school for that. I will open up a path for that to happen I suppose. You’re never too old to learn right? I seem to be making 2 days a week at the studio pretty easily now. Sunday is a hands on meeting for us interns to learn more and I’m quite excited about that.

I’m shadowing tonight at a dance club and I am excited about that. It’s the leap between learning and actually doing that I’m having anxiety about. Now that I”ve put it out there, the fear that I have about that step in life, hopefully the anxiety will lesson. It’s hard being anxious about EVERYTHING. It makes life, well, a little difficult.

I need to find software on how to run a server that I can underestand and teach myself. Or find someone to teach me. I need help on that one universe.

Thanks yall for reading. Its kinda cool knowing theres a few of you out there ❤

Crawling back to you

Too busy being lost to fall

Starting to pack is always bittersweet. Lots of memories. Thankfully my mind is a bit blank and the memories haven’t flooded back as much as I had expected. I’m settling into a bit of a routine and that’s somewhat comforting. I’m really enjoying the studio. I am excited at the prospect of another week of travel. One of the things I adore the most is traveling. I am living on the hope that I will make that trip abroad before the new year. If I don’t many paths come to an end and I am fearful of that.

I do get flashes of memories though. Small ones. Usually negative. Then when I try to think of anything noteworthy, it’s mostly terrorist attacks or a mass shooting or a famous person dying. It’s all just the same out there. I wonder. Am I better off just keeping in my own little bubble? Caring about those around me who care about me. The studio is becoming a very safe place and I hope that continues.

I would like to take a full day off from responsibilities, but I probably shouldn’t. But since its the weekend I think I’ll go crawl back into bed.