Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Brittle and white shells

Slowly starting to come together. I read somewhere about gold filled cracks of pots and China form to make something that is worthy of being shown tik the world.  I’m trying to start each dat by deciding yo be happy.  I feel like I have to keep this delicate balance I have going right now. I’m working on.my physical and mental health all at the same time and boy us it like spinning plates.  I pray I have the strength to keep everything balanced. I’m wanting to move forward on whatever path I’ve stumbled onto. Writing really helps. The music is back to comforting me instead of being a reminder of fucking up. It felt like that for a little bit but thar first night home, I knew all would be well. I actually felt it when I stared out the planes window and glimpsed the lights in portland. I’ve found home. And I’m doing ok today.

December 1, 2017 Posted by | Alone, anxiety, believe, Changes, depression, Dreams, music, patience, positivity, randoms, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And the pitch…

The ball has been released from the strong hand that has been holding tight to this little idea. I think the idea was always there. Is this fly on the wall part 3? Or just a new chapter in part 2? The ball is heading straight for the middle of the catcher’s mitt. Going as fast as the pitcher has ever thrown in his career. It’s not the 7th game of the world series or anything but it is an important game in the middle of a playoff run with the potential for winning it all on the horizon if the path meanders that way.

There is always the possibility of a wild pitch as well. All paths have to be accounted for. Even the ones that I can’t see. I have to remember to keep walking. If I don’t take that hike then I won’t ever go down the path that might lead to the happiness and joy that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m really honestly happy. Im living life pretty damn well on my own for the first time in my life. And I’m pretty old. I had no idea that after 40 some years of being in a relationship or marriage, I’d find such joy and happiness on my own. I guess this was one of the lessons that the Universe wanted me to learn. That and patience of course. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn that one. I’m horribly impatient. I want things to happen right away.

The ball has stalled in its traverse towards the target. Something has frozen time and there is nothing for the pitcher to do but look around as best he can at the still stick figures and white and red-threaded ball that has broken the laws of the reality that was before the world mysteriously stopped spinning.

In the ether. In the in between there is a place. With no eyes. With ears. To keep you tethered to the world. That’s where you do nothing but feel. And while you’d think it’d be nice to live there 24 hours a day. I don’t know if anyone’s soul could handle that. I think we are meant to straddle the other in betweens.

The ball slowly starts dribbling back in its pre-determind orbit decided by the curve of the pitcher’s fingers and placement of it on his knuckles. I feel the tilt of t he earth as the rotation continues. Reality is back. It was nice visiting that other place but right now, as things go, I really want to keep life going here. I’m desperately afraid it will implode. Or explode because I’m so happy. But maybe it’s the Universe giving me some good times.

After 15 years of fear and anxiety.

 

August 26, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

4 months , 16 days

I said I couldn’t wait til the good parts. Well. They arrived and I’m writing about it today. August 23rd, 2017.

I have an internship I love. I have a fantastic roommate. I have a best friend. I have the right to do anything I want to and I’m enjoying it. I’m trying different and new things. Reading a lot of books. And heading into the past by trying to teach myself computer stuff. I really enjoy it. I’m close with my mom. I have tickets to 4 concerts and I have 2 plane tickets with a 3rd and 4th on the horizon. The universe still gives me clues that I’m on the right path. That’s the thing that keeps me calm and sane. I know I’m on the right path.

I’m really bummed I missed that job opportunity with Bandcamp. I  keep an eye on their jobs page in hopes that one day the browser will provide me with that path that I glimpsed but ended up turning away from. I’m slowly drifting back in that way but it’s a light airy place with no solid ground except for my own two feet and that is a new experience for me. I’m solely dependent and responsible for myself and my decisions. I didn’t know I had been living my life so poorly. I mean I knew. But I didn’t think I would change. I thought life was over. My doctor had said I would be on them for the rest of my life, but as it stands I’ve had one craving and finding 4 opiate pills the other night didn’t even trigger the cravings.

Clearing out my room was an exorcism for me and something that has cleared my head. I have plans through the fall and that makes me happy. I’m not looking really any further then that. I am definitely still falling into old patterns and having issues that have haunted me all my life. But in other ways, I’m completely different. I eat olives. That’s huge. I used to not even want to get near one. I never gagged like an old friend of mine would if they tasted olive juice but it was something I avoided in my diet at all times. I have to buy cans weekly now if that tells you anything. I make my bed every day too. That is another change that is small but definitely noticeable to me in the way my brain is acting. I’m still having issues with words. I’ll get stuck, not able to find the right word for what I want to say. It’s frustrating and not getting any better after 16 months in recovery. I fear that it will stick around and I don’t know how I feel about that. I worry that my friends and acquaintances will judge me as not being as intelligent as I know I am.

I guess I’ll end this with the fact that I do have the story started. It’s just set to publish after court.

I told him I’d leave if he put his hands on me.

August 24, 2017 Posted by | hubby, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment