19 months

It’s now been 19 months since my mof. And i still to this day wonder if I’m getting better. Am I back to what I was before. Will there ever be a ‘back’ to who I was before? I guess the answer is no, because who I was before the malfunctioning organs is in no way shape or form recognizable to me right now. I still have anxiety, but going out to a show by myself doesn’t have the scary factor that it used to have. I still stumble on words and now I”m having teeth trouble and i sound like a serious dork. I can’t stop sleeping either.

How do I explain to someone the magical things that I experience. I can’t really talk about it anymore and that some what pains me. I’m not used to not being able to share the amazing things that are happening but Im starting to realize that is how it has to be from now on. I have to accept some things with this current change in my life. Bigger things that are not in my control are happening to me and that’s well, a bit strange. I’m just trying to hang on and learn how to have patience. Right? Right.

I’m very curious about life a little bit today. I’m finally seeing the end of the tunnel Im in when it comes to cleaning up this house that I’ve lived in for 18 years. 15 of those years are starting to feel like a wisp in the wind and I’m happy about that. It sometimes feels as if it didn’t happen but then I’ll see something and woosh I’ll get a serious memory. Today I cried in bed. One of those deep cry’s that shake you to your core. I couldn’t identify the reason for it. I’m honestly doing ok deep down under this depression that I’ve got right now that I attribute to the time change. Why do we do that again? It’s back to an Oregon winter. The gray. I ran outsdie the minute I saw the sun and Im starting to wonder if I can handle an entire winter here on my own. I’ve always had roommates. Even from the moment I bought this house. I guess this is what I’m supposed to work on right now. Doing things my way.

I’m alive and I have a soul…

 

If we’ve only got this life..

It’s hard because I’m living so much in the future right now. I think I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. I can’t stop sleeping or eating. At least I’m starting to learn the healthier and lower calorie things to snack on. My anxiety is lessened. I even went and hung out by myself in a public place. That was a tough one for sure. To be sitting at the bar and looking at all the people hanging with other people. I do not like it, but I can do it when I want to play galaga, which is pretty often. I’m quite addicted to that game.

Stuck, In a lift.

That’s where I am right now. Stuck in between worlds. THe old me vs. the new me. I’m definitely enjoying the new me. THe after mof me. I was gifted what seems to be a 50% shot of living after multiple organ failure. That’s kinda scary. My dexterity in my fingers is starting to come back. My words to get stuck as often as they have been and im about, oh, a year and a half out from near death now.

The magic is there still. So is the Bliss. I realize I’m not talking about it as much but it’s becoming more personal to me I suppose. Something that doesn’t need to be shared about anymore. I realize now that there are things I need to keep to myself. That is another new lesson I’m learning. I’ve repeated this often, that I feel like Im a college kid just because of the similarities of the things I’ve had to and still need to learn that I remember needing to learn my freshman year of college. That I didn’t learn nor did I need to but I feel the urge to try and better myself. I want to find a career I love and spend 20 years doing it. I want that to be in music.

I want to get a job. I don’t know doing what and Im thinking I might need to go to school for that. I will open up a path for that to happen I suppose. You’re never too old to learn right? I seem to be making 2 days a week at the studio pretty easily now. Sunday is a hands on meeting for us interns to learn more and I’m quite excited about that.

I’m shadowing tonight at a dance club and I am excited about that. It’s the leap between learning and actually doing that I’m having anxiety about. Now that I”ve put it out there, the fear that I have about that step in life, hopefully the anxiety will lesson. It’s hard being anxious about EVERYTHING. It makes life, well, a little difficult.

I need to find software on how to run a server that I can underestand and teach myself. Or find someone to teach me. I need help on that one universe.

Thanks yall for reading. Its kinda cool knowing theres a few of you out there ❤