Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Brittle and white shells

Slowly starting to come together. I read somewhere about gold filled cracks of pots and China form to make something that is worthy of being shown tik the world.  I’m trying to start each dat by deciding yo be happy.  I feel like I have to keep this delicate balance I have going right now. I’m working on.my physical and mental health all at the same time and boy us it like spinning plates.  I pray I have the strength to keep everything balanced. I’m wanting to move forward on whatever path I’ve stumbled onto. Writing really helps. The music is back to comforting me instead of being a reminder of fucking up. It felt like that for a little bit but thar first night home, I knew all would be well. I actually felt it when I stared out the planes window and glimpsed the lights in portland. I’ve found home. And I’m doing ok today.

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December 1, 2017 Posted by | Alone, anxiety, believe, Changes, depression, Dreams, music, patience, positivity, randoms, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Too in love to let it show
if you never try
youll never know
just what you’re worth

Lgihts are supposed to guide me home. I know this but I’ve got so many things going on in my brain that I’m trying to handle that things kinda get thrown to the wayside. Coldplay always seems to ground me. I wonder does music affect YOU this way? Do YOU ever feel like it’s there to support you and get you through what you are going through right now at THAT exact moment. The music brings you the emotions that you’d feel if you were in a room full of people hearing and experiencing their own realities but you are all there at one time creating energy that is positive. All set to music that we can listen to as many times as we want and recall that memory. Recall that energy. I live for music. I really do. I exist to go to see live music. At least at the live concert it’s positive. When you are alone it can be different because you can experience emotions privately and cry your eyes our if it’s just one of those days. Im

I’m definitely learning a lot about life right now. I’m learning about nutrition. I’m trying to exercise. That’s a hard one because of the pain cycle that I get stuck in. I will hurt from sleeping, or sitting, or any of those activities that sets me off and it will hurt so bad I dont want to move. But that not moving makes the pain worse. Sometimes even moving makes the pain worse. But there is no difference between the pain on the opiates and the pain off the opiates. There are a shit ton of positives though and I wouldnt p ut myself back on those drugs if you paid me. I am so much happier now. I still wonder what kinds of damage my brain has, but I have hope.

I read recently that they observed a 72 year old man making huge changes to the pathways in his brain. They had previously thought that stopped when we were infants. That gives me hope that whatever the drugs may have done to me, I might be able to get it back. Im defnitely having small issues at recalling certain words but I feel I may have crossed a bridge recently because my writing seems to have changed even. Maybe it’s because I’m puffing.

THe anxiety is lessened. The stress has lessened. The excitement’s (believe) levels are high. Less then 24 hours and I’ll be on a plane heading to Cali. Im going on a trip again. This is what I save every penny for. Well ok, I got help on this one. Thanks for the ticket mom!!! Love you!

I will soon be traipsing around a city ive never been in. Something that I’ve enjoyed since I hit my early 20s. Life is an adventure. Such a cheesy line and saying but it really is true.

November 3, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, believe, california, chronic pain, mom, Trey, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment