Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

If we’ve only got this life..

It’s hard because I’m living so much in the future right now. I think I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. I can’t stop sleeping or eating. At least I’m starting to learn the healthier and lower calorie things to snack on. My anxiety is lessened. I even went and hung out by myself in a public place. That was a tough one for sure. To be sitting at the bar and looking at all the people hanging with other people. I do not like it, but I can do it when I want to play galaga, which is pretty often. I’m quite addicted to that game.

Stuck, In a lift.

That’s where I am right now. Stuck in between worlds. THe old me vs. the new me. I’m definitely enjoying the new me. THe after mof me. I was gifted what seems to be a 50% shot of living after multiple organ failure. That’s kinda scary. My dexterity in my fingers is starting to come back. My words to get stuck as often as they have been and im about, oh, a year and a half out from near death now.

The magic is there still. So is the Bliss. I realize I’m not talking about it as much but it’s becoming more personal to me I suppose. Something that doesn’t need to be shared about anymore. I realize now that there are things I need to keep to myself. That is another new lesson I’m learning. I’ve repeated this often, that I feel like Im a college kid just because of the similarities of the things I’ve had to and still need to learn that I remember needing to learn my freshman year of college. That I didn’t learn nor did I need to but I feel the urge to try and better myself. I want to find a career I love and spend 20 years doing it. I want that to be in music.

I want to get a job. I don’t know doing what and Im thinking I might need to go to school for that. I will open up a path for that to happen I suppose. You’re never too old to learn right? I seem to be making 2 days a week at the studio pretty easily now. Sunday is a hands on meeting for us interns to learn more and I’m quite excited about that.

I’m shadowing tonight at a dance club and I am excited about that. It’s the leap between learning and actually doing that I’m having anxiety about. Now that I”ve put it out there, the fear that I have about that step in life, hopefully the anxiety will lesson. It’s hard being anxious about EVERYTHING. It makes life, well, a little difficult.

I need to find software on how to run a server that I can underestand and teach myself. Or find someone to teach me. I need help on that one universe.

Thanks yall for reading. Its kinda cool knowing theres a few of you out there ❤

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November 12, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, Changes, Dreams, Internship, MOF, music, recovery, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m starting to…

learn that some people are only in your life for a little bit.

find freedom in being alone.

facing my fears on a daily basis and conquering some of them.

feel confident in who I am as a person.

learn what kind of food I like, but Im never going to be a cook.

learn that I want to bake again.

lovemyself.

November 7, 2017 Posted by | randoms, Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Cry for resolutions…

So I made an offer to my soon to be legal ex-husband and he accepted. I knew he’d go for money because that’s just how, well I guess I know who he is now. I know he’s moved on and so have I and that’s where that stands. I’m beyond happy that I won’t have to face him in court and talk about the negative aspects of our relationship. It’s somewhat cathartic to clean out the Magic Room, or what is the storage area of this house. The house I’ll soon be leaving behind. I have found a couple condos that I like in an area a bit further out of Portland and I’m ok with that. Even if I’m still interning when I move (with the way my life is going, I may not be doing the same thing Im doing now, in the next 48 hours.

EJR will be leaving my house soon and for that Im positive. We won’t have a burned bridge which is what is most important to me. We are learning each other and while it would be nice to keep him as a roommate, he’s just too bad of an influence on me. I love ya ER, I really do so dont get upset. We just will do better as friends who see each other outside of the home.

The magic is still there. T

Something never comes, never leads to nuthin
Closer to the prize at the end of the road.

The Bliss is still there too. But its definitely not as active as it has been but I have a feeling that’s because both of us are busy with our current lives as we try and make it so our paths cross. I had deeply been hoping that TGD would bring him to me, but it doesn’t look that way. I guess I won’t pack the red dress. I guess I’ll start throwing my energy towards making the Aus trip happen. I can kind of let down my guard a bit too knowing ill be around P family. It seems as though they are deeply helping me and for that I’m eternally grateful and would do anything for you guys. I hope I get to say thank you to each and every one of you.

I hope Im not disappointing too badly with my wght. I know I haven’t been keeping up and today was another bad day. I came so close the other night, but ER is such a bad influence and I have a hard time saying no. Ill try really hard tomorrow as it is a new day.

I miss you. I really do. I hope to see you soon. THe other night. At ASP I know it was you. It was wasn’t it? If it wasn’t, I’m definitely confused.

The sky is a nieghborhood
Keep it down

Im getting more and more memories back of my 5 day break from reality. It’s nice to know I had some sane moments

_____________ break for a few days…but I’m back…

Nobody else will be there

I know I’m supposed to live in the moment and I do. I definitely look forward to each new thing I am learning. Like today for example. I may actually now know how to plug a mic into a wall box that leads to pro tools. Open up pro tools. Make a connection on the patch board, and even patch in a compressor of your choice. I think I could actually recreate all these things If I wanted to and that makes me happy. I really enjoy working with audio and i really enjoy working with computers. I just need to find the right job and I have faith that will work itself out as I learn. I am so thankful to the engineers and owners of The Hallowed Halls, the recording studio that took me on just a few months after I left my ex.

___________ break for something else

There is sunlight shining through
There is comfort here

I still feel like I have some sort of brain thing going on. I get flashes of my old intelligence and then there is the fact I have to have repeated 20 times before I remember it. Im trying so hard to be good. I really am. Im just anxious and scared but confident and happy all at the same time. OH crap. I have a therapy appointment and coffee tomorrow. All things that can make the anxiety trigger. Being in public. Im reading a book about a young girl with anxiety. and im definitely reminded of myself at times. Strangely the book isn’t triggering me. I guess maybe Im rooting for her to get better in hopes that if she can do it, I can keep doing it.

Im hoping to hear from my lawyer on Thursday telling me that KM received the paperwork and had signed it and it’s in the mail to the judge. I just want to go abroad. I really do. I want to hangout with Leo. I want to see Vienna. I want to experience the first ever Priest show. I want to watch NN play with In Flames and then maybe hop a plane to somewhere else. I would love to just hop around the globe, but I don’t want to do all of it alone. I’m hoping the friends I’ve made through Ghost will be as kind and loving as the phish and dead fandom friends that ive had for a multitude of years. I’m really glad facebook exists sometimes because it’s incredible to wach their kids grow up. It’s wonderful watching your friends wish their families happy birthday. It makes me flash back to high school and being in their homes spending the nigiht after sleeping out for tickets.

SIde note:
That’s how it was done back then, in the early 90s. You would sleep in your car, in the parking lot of the venue. In this particular memory the venue was the Palace of Auburn Hills, and the show was The Grateful Dead. I remember trying to sleep. I remember the bright lights and the happy people. I remember going from the car to the lobby in the morning. ANd i mean it was morning, WAY early morning. The people working knew we were a good crowd. It was pre-95 negativity. Everyone was always smiling as they exited. There were scalpers back then, but not the way it is now. I think maybe one or two paid someone to wait in line.

I am really looking forward to Thursday Im gonna ask if I can mic an acoustic guitar.

November 1, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, deadhead, Dreams, grateful dead, Memories, positivity, reality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

All these things that I have done

Its hard to look back and see the progress when you are in the midst of a change.

April 29, 2016 I was taken to the Adventist hospital in the midst of liver, kidney and respiratory failure. They couldn’t take me which I find really ironic when I pass their billboards that tout how wonderful their ER is. Instead I ended up at Kaiser in Clackamas county. I should have stayed in Portland, and I will regret the fact that I had no say in my treatment or where I was taken and that once again my ex-husaband made a decision that will have repurcussions to my dying day.

That isn’t the focus of this post though. The focus of this post is to remind myself how far I’ve come from then. See, when I was taken into the hospital I weighed 335 pounds. All my life I had been called fat. People would yell ‘fat ass’ out the window of their car when I would walk down the street.. On the phish (that band from vermont that some of you might know) newsgroup rec.music.phish (newsgroups were the precursor to Facebook groups I suppose). But the difference is there was absolutely no moderation what-so-ever. It was the wild wild west of communities and I was a pretty well – known poster as I had either a job where I could be online all day, or I wasn’t working so I spent almost all day, every day online posting about Phish. I somehow gained a troll (i would find out later that it was a large group of people acting as one signle troll) who would write stories about me eating people. And make fun of the fact that my health had deteriorated into me needing a wheelchair just to go to a live music concert. The bullying continued into my 30s until I eventually had to leave that internet community that I had thought was accepting of all people but would actually be one of the most creul and unforgiving communities I’ve ever encountered on the internet and I’ve been part of an online community or two, or three for over 22 years now.

I digress.

Now, I’m 100 lbs down. Yup. I’m outing my weight on the internet. I weigh 235 pounds. And I wear a size 12 in some clothes and in others I wear a 3x depending on the manufacturer of the item. How on earth is anyone supposed to feel normal wearing such an array of different sizes? Epecially in a society that places so much value on that damn number. How is anyone who is self-conscious in any way supposed to live with themselves and their weight when our clothing manufacturers won’t even give us a regular size. Now guys clothing is measured in inches. You know the waist size. You know the length and that is the way it is no matter who makes the clothes. Talk about a punch to the face. To me it seems as just another way to control us.

I digress again.

I decided a few months ago to let someone move in as a roommate. I let him stay for free for a few months. I wanted to see how we got along. I wanted to open myself up to a new person. Well that fell apart the other day. I no longer felt safe with him in the house and had to run. I had to walk down the block, call for a Lyft and go pick up my car that had been impounded when I suffered multiple anxiety attacks and memory issues relating to the PTSD and anxiety that I can now trace back to my early childhood. That brings me to mom. A mom Who decided to tell me that because i pushed away this roommate, that meant I had no friends. Never mind the 15 messages on messenger that I recieved when I let people know I had to create a whole new fb profile. It’s amazing what the internet does to people. For people like me, it can destroy them with just one sentence. For others, like zev for one, or Bee for another, and even darryl yes, I know you are all behind things. I know there are others involved too, but that won’t last forever. Karma is a real thing. A very. real. thing. And you’d better get ready to face YOUR demons because I’m facing mine right now, every single day when I wake up and I hurt. When I sit for 15 minutes and can barely move after that 15 minutes because the stiffness is so bad.

I have digressed again.

Honestly I guess I’ve lost focus on what this entry was supposed to be about. I guess it’s about freedom. The freedom to be who I want without my mom telling me that I have no friends. When I disappeared a few weeks ago due to some circumstances almost completely out of my own control, I was found with one shoe and sock and a bare foot on the corner of Division Street. The police found me, put me in an AMR ambulance (mind you this is the 2nd or 3rd time these wonderful folks have, oh wait, it may even be the 4th time that they have come to my rescue when it’s been a life-threatening situation). See, I suffer from, wait again, I don’t like to use the word suffer. I have anxiety (and PTSD) and Im despartaley trying to control it without relying on medications.

There we go. It’s out now. I have PTSD from an alcoholic father and a controlling mother who wants nothing but to dangle my strings in life like the puppets in a kids theater. It’s from the bullying that began in 3rd grade that continues to this day when I went to the Coldplay concert and I realized that SOMEHOW, some of these people KNEW that popcorn was a trigger. Somehow they KNEW the things that triggered me to have a panic attack. I may never know how that was the case. I will just continue to look down at the love button that some of you may have recieved if you were at that Concert. From what I have been able to glean, not everyone got one of those buttons.

She told me this morning, after I had called her to let her know I was safe. She told me I hard pushed away the only friends I had. Because I didn’t let this man, a person I did NOT feel comfortable with, stay living in my home. She didn’t believe me that I had been able to procure my car from the impound lot. She just sounded pissed. After being missing for a few days, maybe even a week total, Then reappearing. Then disappearing again, she was pissed. WTF mom. What. Is. Wrong. With. You. You didn’t teach me how to handle my emotions. You came from the school of push those emotions deep deep inside and dont let anyone see you cry. Not ever. There’s no crying in baseball afterall.

Needless to say, this posting has jumped all over the place. I started it because I’m going to try and lose another 50 lbs and today I downloaded an app to keep track of my calories. That’s how I lost the first 100 lbs. I found out how many calories I burn at the weight I’m at and then I ate less. I didn’t even excersize. I am doing bother now. It’s different now though because I have a goal. I want to tour with a band. I want to find a band that will take me on to help them in some way. Whether it’s to drive the van, or even just make some home cooked food while at the hotel. It may be a pipe dream, but it’s my dream. And i’m going to keep fighting to make that dream come true.

I started watching a youtube red documentary about Lindsay Sterling tonight. The dancing violinist. I had never heard of her before, well at least not that I can remember and she is someone that I admire greatly. She is fighting a food issue just as much as I am fighting one. (She’s also facing the death of her father which is something I dealt with at the age of 21) I have a tendency to eat my feelings. When I’m sad, I want pizza. When I’m happy, I want pizza. I would eat pizza for every meal of the day if I could. And trust me, I have before, for months at a time. That was how I got up to 335 pounds. I was stuck in a loveless marriage that had died right around the day before our wedding in 2004. Don’t get me wrong. We had grand times. But I had followed in my mother’s footsteps and found myself in an abusive relationship. I can’t go in depth into that part of my life until the divorce is final. I will get into that one day though. So keep an eye out on the blog. I finally got out of the marriage a few months ago and the moment I recieved that restraining order my life began down a path that I am happy to say is probably some of the best times I’ve ever had. I have hope that the next few days will cement a future. A future that I have been dreaming of. Some of that will require hard work. I used to walk almost every night. But I slacked off. Gained some weight and today I put myself back on that path to getting healthier. I really do love green beans! I really do love tofu. OMG a tofu scramble? Yes please! Scrambled cheesy eggs? Yup. Throw me that protein. I’ll eat it.

“it’s time” as the announcer before an MMA fight would say. It’s time for me to start the rest of my life. And I hope that includes you” I may have even prayed that it would include you.

Oh I forgot to mention one thing. I exist in pain. Chronic pain. It hits when I least expect it. No one’s ever been able to tell my why. I just have come to accept it. After 14+ years of controlling it with opiates, I have moved forward to handling it with alternative treatments. Yoga. A TENS unit. Just plain ole fashioned grit and determination. So if you know who I am, and see me walking down the street on your neighborhood (sometimes its a button that says I heart nerds, sometimes its a button with a smiley face and a bleeding head wound and sometimes it’s a “love” button) remember that what you do, in those moments when you pass a stranger can sometimes last a lifetime. That person who yelled ‘fat ass’ out the window at me in Birmingham, Michigan has permanently damaged me and I’m betting he is proud of that. I have faith though that Karma will bring everything into balance.

Change. The only thing that’s constant in life and in reality and I’m in the midst of a big one. Watch out world. This wily fox is on the hunt, on the prowl and is ready to take on the world. And I will gosh darnit. I will.

October 10, 2017 Posted by | abuse, anxiety, Changes, Dreams, Internship, Memories, MOF, mom, pain, phish, reality, RMP, sickness | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a little light

I’m incredibly anxious and nervous. The court date is coming closer and closer. I have to see his face. I have to feel his energy. I will have my 2 closest friends with me. 2 people who I have spent a lot of time just talking to and getting to know. 2 people who have become a part of my crew and as I think about them my anxiety abates for just a moment and I’m back in the bliss. Well not THE bliss. I should capitalize THE bliss. So it would be the Bliss instead.

Life is good. Studio: good. Friends: good. Family: good. Money: could be better but passes with a C-.

I drew a line for you. Oh what a thing to do. And it was all yellow.

I sometimes feel an ache in my heart. Sometimes it feels full. As if what is supposed to be there with me, is already here. I don’t know how to explain it but after Cannon Beaach, I have not been alone for one minute. Even when no physical human was around. There is a presence. I feel it in a few different ways but it is mainly during music. It’s not the same feeling at the same time to the same song over and over. That’s not how it works. It seems to have autonomy. Bliss. It is honestly Bliss.

My tablet. One day I will tell the internet about the tablet and my biggest secret of what happened in those 36 or so hours. Or not.

My mom has a testimony about God now. She says she felt when my step-father passed. She told him it was OK to go and felt that God was in the room with her. The first month of two after Cannon Beach I agreed that there was a god but then he decided to respond and ask for half.

Half.

I remember now that you were trailing a red trailer, and you were a fire-fighter. I think it said that on the side in either red or white lettering. Probably white but I could just be dismembering.

I wish I could get back to that world sometimes. But I often wonder if it really is a world or is it the upside down because its the world while my brain chemicals are imbalanced.

3 days. There are a few stories I could tell that could all open with those 2 words.

This really is a stream of consciousness. Im starting to write the way I used to before the brain was inundated with large doses of opiates and anti-anxiety meds.

So you are jumping. From one to another to another. Is that how its working? Im totally making this up but it feels like it could possibly happen. In this life. Anything is possible. I went from not leaving the chair for years, to a full on life. A new life. An exciting life. A life I look forward to waking up to every morning. I didn’t know what fulfillment in life was until I began T.S.C. This project gives me focus. I’m able to problem solve and look for alternatives.

I still love you. I can’t let go of you. It’s just too strong, our cord. Our golden connection. That’s never gonna go away. Well, it might, but it feels like it may never. Getting the ache in my chest and heart today for the first time in over a month was a bit unsettling. I just had gotten used to things being the way they are now. Forgetting that there is a past that is really painful and hard to let go of. I am moving through the steps of power cycling my modem and my lights are starting to blink a strange pattern that will soon settle into the blinks and colors that I’m used to.

I still feel you. Very deeply. I hope I will recognize you when I see you next.

3 times it blinked today. I’m starting to wonder if it just blinks every few seconds all the time. But I know that’s not true. I don’t think it’s made to go from walk, to the countdown numbers back to the walk. It’s easy for me to notice because it goes from white to orange and that catches your eye. I think if you saw that. Every single time you drove by an intersection when school isn’t in session you see something strange. It blinks
once

twice

Three

Times in a 5 second span. It’s that inexpiable thing that I just have to let go of and accept as being weird? That’s not good enough dammit.

I’m trying to make my dreams come true. I think they include touring and music. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten but touring is optional.

Music, is not.

I have an appointment with the lawyer again soon. Not exactly sure but I really like her. She treats me kind and respectful.

There are times when I just can’t do anything but put my right hand on my heart. I don’t know if you are sending me that feeling or if its coming from my dopamine, seratonin and oxytocin but I honestly don’t care. I’m going to enjoy the connection to the universe that I feel right now. I should go back to eating better and being completely sober. I really should.

That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel….
…you were bigger and brighter and whiter then snow

I was reminded of something really cool this week. A memory of doing a scavenger hunt with disposable cameras, teams of strangers soon to be friends for the weekend and a wedding that came about because I helped them meet. Well. I am the reason they met. I will soon meet the children from this union. The oldest is going to college! It’s amazing to me that they count me as being so important.

How long will i have to wait for it

September 8, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

3rd inning in a mid-season game

So in May or so, I wandered into Volume Bomb, a guitar store down the street from my house. I passed it at least once a day and had never stopped since it opened a bit ago. I saw the guy smoking on the steps and he looked harmless, and I had an itch to get a guitar (this was before Grace, my gold top showed up in my life) and I was on the hunt. I walked in after parking on the street and made my way into the dark, hushed shop that would be the change in my life I had been looking for. I picked up a white Reverend and began to strum it a little and then hung it gently back up on its rack and started to gaze around the shop. I noticed some dark, funny pins, some great patches and t-shirts and of course the coveted Orange amplifiers that always make me wrinkle my nose with joy when I see them. I chatted up the owner and he just happend to mention that there was a recording studio connected to the shop and pointed at a door right next to his chair, hidden in the wall. That’s studio B he said. I casually asked if they were looking for interns. I had previously wanted to be an intern with a local record label but that hadn’t panned out. Nor had the job for Bandcamp that I had really wanted just a month or so prior. The bearded man informed me that I should email J, the head Engineer and ask him the same question. After a little bit more conversation and an exchange of emails, I headed home and wrote an email to J right away. I had a feeling this was the right choice and boy was I right.

All my life, I had wanted to be part of the music industry but never really knew it. I focused all my schooling and energy to being a healthcare worker. But now, physically, I cannot stand for what would be required to work in that field in the way that I would want. After leaving my husband and settling into a new life, an internship is exactly what I needed. And the best part; it’s a mile from my house!

I’ve now been interning for more then a couple of months and have been trusted with a key to the place and left alone at times. I have gained a lot of courage and I will always and forever be grateful to J and G for giving me a shot.

Today, I was offered a job to go on tour out east with a band. A band that has a pretty well known booking agent. And about 1000 people per show. I dont know exactly what job I would have been doing as I mentioned that I wanted to be support on the road and was rewarded with a ‘would you like to go on tour in October?’

Sadly, ,I had to turn it down as I am traveling to the mid-west and driving my mother from Michigan to Florida at the same time tour is taking place. Perhaps though, this is just the first of many offers. I have nothing but an empty path in front of me with it heading in many directions. Which one Ill take, which one I’ll head down. I just don’t know.

The Oping was born today. An idea that popped into my head just yesterday. But it’s almost a toddler in just a short 24 hour span. I guess when I’m motivated, and find the right programs, I can finish something. And create something that didn’t exist before. Whether it will survive toddlerdom, is yet to be seen. Saturday is the big pitch to the players in the field, who will be letting me know if I”ve made a ball or strike.

August 25, 2017 Posted by | Changes, Internship, The Oping, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

TSC

Taking a chance and trying to create my dream job.

Universe, I could really use your help on this one. I can do this. I know I can. My brain dreamed it up and I would love to make it a reality. I have so many ideas that never come to fruition but this one feels pretty big.

Send luck and positivity!

August 24, 2017 Posted by | Dreams, positivity, reality | , , | Leave a comment