Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Brittle and white shells

Slowly starting to come together. I read somewhere about gold filled cracks of pots and China form to make something that is worthy of being shown tik the world.  I’m trying to start each dat by deciding yo be happy.  I feel like I have to keep this delicate balance I have going right now. I’m working on.my physical and mental health all at the same time and boy us it like spinning plates.  I pray I have the strength to keep everything balanced. I’m wanting to move forward on whatever path I’ve stumbled onto. Writing really helps. The music is back to comforting me instead of being a reminder of fucking up. It felt like that for a little bit but thar first night home, I knew all would be well. I actually felt it when I stared out the planes window and glimpsed the lights in portland. I’ve found home. And I’m doing ok today.

Advertisements

December 1, 2017 Posted by | Alone, anxiety, believe, Changes, depression, Dreams, music, patience, positivity, randoms, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Help would be nice

The Bliss is gone. I’ve fucked up all the plans I had for the future and I fucked up with the one person that means the most to me. It’s gonna be real hard to let you go but I have to find some way to continue on in my life and I can’t do this anymore. The hints. The clues. They aren’t enough for me right now. I always believed that I would be with you already. After CB I thought we would be together but I’ve been just going crazy the whole time. The logo: I’ll never know who or why someone did that but now it feels like it doesn’t mean anything. Just some sort of glitch that keeps happening.  It used to soothe me. Knowing that you were out there waiting for me made life a lot better. It gave me something to look forward to. Now it’s empty. I feel empty and alone and I guess that’s what god wants me to be. I’m trying to believe, I’m trying but the clues are gone. The Bliss is gone and I just don’t know what to do with myself. My dream of working the tour is gone. It’s all gone. All my dreams have been shattered and now I’m just a pile if white egg shell pieces and I don’t know how to put myself back together again.

November 27, 2017 Posted by | Alone, anxiety, Changes, depression, patience, Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

19 months

It’s now been 19 months since my mof. And i still to this day wonder if I’m getting better. Am I back to what I was before. Will there ever be a ‘back’ to who I was before? I guess the answer is no, because who I was before the malfunctioning organs is in no way shape or form recognizable to me right now. I still have anxiety, but going out to a show by myself doesn’t have the scary factor that it used to have. I still stumble on words and now I”m having teeth trouble and i sound like a serious dork. I can’t stop sleeping either.

How do I explain to someone the magical things that I experience. I can’t really talk about it anymore and that some what pains me. I’m not used to not being able to share the amazing things that are happening but Im starting to realize that is how it has to be from now on. I have to accept some things with this current change in my life. Bigger things that are not in my control are happening to me and that’s well, a bit strange. I’m just trying to hang on and learn how to have patience. Right? Right.

I’m very curious about life a little bit today. I’m finally seeing the end of the tunnel Im in when it comes to cleaning up this house that I’ve lived in for 18 years. 15 of those years are starting to feel like a wisp in the wind and I’m happy about that. It sometimes feels as if it didn’t happen but then I’ll see something and woosh I’ll get a serious memory. Today I cried in bed. One of those deep cry’s that shake you to your core. I couldn’t identify the reason for it. I’m honestly doing ok deep down under this depression that I’ve got right now that I attribute to the time change. Why do we do that again? It’s back to an Oregon winter. The gray. I ran outsdie the minute I saw the sun and Im starting to wonder if I can handle an entire winter here on my own. I’ve always had roommates. Even from the moment I bought this house. I guess this is what I’m supposed to work on right now. Doing things my way.

I’m alive and I have a soul…

 

November 13, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, death, depression, MOF, patience, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment