Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

I’m starting to…

learn that some people are only in your life for a little bit.

find freedom in being alone.

facing my fears on a daily basis and conquering some of them.

feel confident in who I am as a person.

learn what kind of food I like, but Im never going to be a cook.

learn that I want to bake again.

lovemyself.

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November 7, 2017 Posted by | randoms, Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

I will follow you

..into the dark

I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m not sad at leaving my old life behind; finally signing divorce papers, i suppose its somewhat normal to cry perhaps? The song playing makes me think of the future. As much as I purport to live in the present, I’m very guilty of living very much for the future.

Almost 14 years of marriage to the day. I don’t miss him in any way. I have no feelings towards him except that I hope he finds happiness. I loved him with all my heart until just one day, it went too far, and I got tired of picking up the broken glass. Picking up the pieces of his anger. I don’t want to be that person to someone else and I’m trying very hard to work on my anger. I am 100% guilty of having a bad one, but who doesn’t? I mean there has to be a time where your anger pushed you to do something that you normally wouldn’t do.

THe shows were incredible. I can’t thank p family enough for what they did. THe comfort levels I felt inside that theater were immense and I cant describe how thankful I am that you were all there for me. Even if you didn’t realize it you were. One of the same things i said to him. When I got away from my ex, I had felt your spirit with me. We may never end up as close friends, but those few sentences that you send to me. They just about make my year every time I see your little face in that messenger window.

Just a short one today guys. Back to reality at the studio.

November 7, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Laughing, Oakland and chickens?!

The chickens were a nice touch. I needed the laugh big time. I think that’s one of the most impressive things. WHen something so foreign pops up and then I laugh my ass off exactly when I need it.

I went to Oakland for the weekend. It was my first flight without opiates to deal with the chronic pain. I lost my headphones and was worried I wouldnt have MY drug, music, with me. But I was able to procure a set of ear buds to keep me happy when I needed my ‘fix’.

I met some wonderful people. P family was in full effect and I hope one day to thank HS. He was the most visiable calming thing out in that crowd and for that I will be forever grateful. I don’t know if he knows I went backstage for the first time because of him. ANd he’s done some really wonderful kind things in this world and deserves nothing but the joy he seems to experience when at a show (as evidenced by the big grin he always seems to have)

Nothing can break me down
Dont need no advice
I got a plan

I know a few of you were there. I sensed it but was too afraid to say hello. I wishi I had more guts then I do in some situations but I guess we always have to work on oursevles and my anxiety is where I have a lot of learning to do.

USDA
Certified lean

THe magic is still very much around. Chickens. 2 of em. A block and a half from my house. THe usual signs are there which makes me happy. I am comforted by those things that are random. Because nothing, nothing, is random.

November 6, 2017 Posted by | Oakland, P Family, Stream of Consciousness, traveling, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Too in love to let it show
if you never try
youll never know
just what you’re worth

Lgihts are supposed to guide me home. I know this but I’ve got so many things going on in my brain that I’m trying to handle that things kinda get thrown to the wayside. Coldplay always seems to ground me. I wonder does music affect YOU this way? Do YOU ever feel like it’s there to support you and get you through what you are going through right now at THAT exact moment. The music brings you the emotions that you’d feel if you were in a room full of people hearing and experiencing their own realities but you are all there at one time creating energy that is positive. All set to music that we can listen to as many times as we want and recall that memory. Recall that energy. I live for music. I really do. I exist to go to see live music. At least at the live concert it’s positive. When you are alone it can be different because you can experience emotions privately and cry your eyes our if it’s just one of those days. Im

I’m definitely learning a lot about life right now. I’m learning about nutrition. I’m trying to exercise. That’s a hard one because of the pain cycle that I get stuck in. I will hurt from sleeping, or sitting, or any of those activities that sets me off and it will hurt so bad I dont want to move. But that not moving makes the pain worse. Sometimes even moving makes the pain worse. But there is no difference between the pain on the opiates and the pain off the opiates. There are a shit ton of positives though and I wouldnt p ut myself back on those drugs if you paid me. I am so much happier now. I still wonder what kinds of damage my brain has, but I have hope.

I read recently that they observed a 72 year old man making huge changes to the pathways in his brain. They had previously thought that stopped when we were infants. That gives me hope that whatever the drugs may have done to me, I might be able to get it back. Im defnitely having small issues at recalling certain words but I feel I may have crossed a bridge recently because my writing seems to have changed even. Maybe it’s because I’m puffing.

THe anxiety is lessened. The stress has lessened. The excitement’s (believe) levels are high. Less then 24 hours and I’ll be on a plane heading to Cali. Im going on a trip again. This is what I save every penny for. Well ok, I got help on this one. Thanks for the ticket mom!!! Love you!

I will soon be traipsing around a city ive never been in. Something that I’ve enjoyed since I hit my early 20s. Life is an adventure. Such a cheesy line and saying but it really is true.

November 3, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, believe, california, chronic pain, mom, Trey, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I turned 21 Feb. of 1995 and quite a few of my friends were underage. I hung out with a large group of people that ranged in ages.

I even hung out with a sister and brother who would sometimes fight when they would come to my place. Never trust those redheads. Those two people made a big impact on my life. I had never been friends with a brother and a sister before. Both redheads too of course. She was your typical suburban college girl and her brother was a stoner. He was also disabled. He had no muscles in his legs and to this day it’s because of him that I don’t hate myself completely. I also had never seen a brother and sister hate each other so much. It eventually got to the point where I would have two separate crowds of people at my house because of this sister/brother combo. The brother’s crew was part of the stereotypical hippie crowd who had stickers all over the back of their cars, they drove around and smoked pot and talked about the Grateful Dead trying to ‘outdead’ each other. I’ll get into a story about that another time

His sister was one of the coolest chicks I’ve ever known. I was a tomboy and had lost my girly princess side when I knew her so she was like a vision of makeup and padded bras with sparkly things on them. She was also part of the stereotypical college frat/sorority circle of people who drank beer and talked about each other behind their backs. Even she had the stoner couple in her crew. Those two could have taken me to my first phish show but I stupidly said no and went for the boys and the Grateful Dead which I do not regret

I had the only apartment in my circles of friends and so for most of my months living there I was not alone. People would stop by at all time and people seemed to genuinely like me. I even started hanging out with a few girlfriends from highschool and they would come over and hang with the other two circles of friends. It was one of the first party lives of many that I have had in my lifetime. I hope you all party like rock stars for the rest of your life like I want to.

I Digress.

After having such a tough time making friends before college I was very thankful to have such a large circle of different kinds of people who were all somewhat supportive. At this age I was healthly. There were no serious signs of the A.S. and even my thyroid was under control, unlike now. I was a healthy beautiful 21 year old blond college girl living the best part of life, the part after moving out of the home you grew up in. I

You an almost think, that you are seeing double, on a cold dark on a spanish stairs

My apartment was behind a Denny’s and that was just the straw that broke the camels back when i was looking for a place to live. When we would get the munchies and had skiied all day long, we all would run down the stairs and jump into the snow. Jump in my jeep, warm it up, in negative 50 degree windchills, and drive 500 feet to the Denny’s for an all night smoke and coffee session. The liquor and beer store was across the street fromthe Denny’s which made the party apartment just east of the central part of town.

Oh to be in the land of coca-cola.

We celebrated every birthday that year at my apartment. Everyone got a cake and balloons, even my own mom. I still have the picture of her blowing out the candles in my kitchen. I had finally settled down, or so we both thought. Every occaision was occaision enough for a keg in the bathtub and a nice round of truth or dare.

Suddenly, Everything’s gonna be different, when I paint my masterpiece

By the spring of 1995 I took these brand new wings of confidence that had sprouted in the tender care of all my new friends and began to spread my roots into the ground and wave my branches out to those who were offering friendship.

Forgive, I’m not sure I could, they say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting…

I had moved into this apartment after finally leaving an abusive boyfriend after being with him for 2 years. It was actually the second apartment. I had to leave the first one because he knew where I lived and I figured I might be a little bit safer if I lived closed to the family and in an apartment that he didn’t know about. It’s hard sometimes for me to think about those times, but thats for a reason. I think theres enough room in my brain to not deal with that time of my life right now and so I wont.

Ill keep payin, I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down, I’m still mad as hell..

And I’m still waitinThat apartment still had somewhat of a dark cloud hanging above it and I eventually left with almost 4 months left on the lease. I paid off the rest of the lease and moved out west with a roommate who was using me for all I had. Both emotionally, mentally, and fiscally.

November 3, 2017 Posted by | 1995, 1996, grateful dead, Memories, michigan, music, red heads, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hockey, shopping, and Percy Jackson

YAS another fight! I finally am catching an NHL game (hockey has been a passion of mine since I was in high school and got the luck to either catch a live Detroit Red Wing game and/or get the assignment to be the student athletic trainer for my high school hockey team). I may though, now that I think about it, have started playing pond hockey around that time as well. I did take ice skating lessons as a kid but my stage fright was so bad that when I was asked to perform in a show, I said no way. The lessons stopped shortly after that but getting a hockey stick in my hand and skates on my feet, with the freshly blown snow forming a rink for us to play on. I didn’t get to play as much pond hockey as I would have liked. I don’t know why the guys didn’t invite me more. Only thing I can think of is that I’m a girl.

There are bad memories around the hockey team too. One of my biggest downfalls came from the hockey team. A trip that was taken, things t hat were thrown in a cafeteria and a rumor of a car into a wall is about all I will say about that part of my life. It’s in the past and I’m trying to live hour by hour. Day by day and a little bit in the future and it’s much more fun and exciting then living in the past, which you can not change.

THe only constant in life is change.

Step out of your comfort zone.

I did that today. I went downtown and met

Oooo another possible fight in the game.

I remember skating in the K’s backyard. I knew the boy from the hockey team and met the girl, who was an ice skater through him. She invited me over to skate and I had such a blast. I grew up on a lot in a subdivision that had a hill. WHen youd throw water on the snow, with a bmp at the bottom, it was fun as hell to ride in your snowpants. It’s nice to remember good times instead of bad.

My memories are starting to filter back into my brain. I remembered this past week that I ran sound and lighting at the building I used to work at. I did it almost daily. Sometimes dealing with broken microphones (wireless mics SUCK) and lights that didn’t come on or would not turn off. I still am in disbelief that I forgot years of my life. Is that normal? To forget a job you did so much? I guess I did block out the end because my anxiety was out of control when JJ was let go. Or downsized. Or I don’t know what they did to him, but I still think of him an awful lot. He was a big positive force in my life and I am hoping that he is still aroundn town somewhere and is happy. Welloff to do some reading.

November 2, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, Athletic Training, high school, Hockey, Memories, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cry for resolutions…

So I made an offer to my soon to be legal ex-husband and he accepted. I knew he’d go for money because that’s just how, well I guess I know who he is now. I know he’s moved on and so have I and that’s where that stands. I’m beyond happy that I won’t have to face him in court and talk about the negative aspects of our relationship. It’s somewhat cathartic to clean out the Magic Room, or what is the storage area of this house. The house I’ll soon be leaving behind. I have found a couple condos that I like in an area a bit further out of Portland and I’m ok with that. Even if I’m still interning when I move (with the way my life is going, I may not be doing the same thing Im doing now, in the next 48 hours.

EJR will be leaving my house soon and for that Im positive. We won’t have a burned bridge which is what is most important to me. We are learning each other and while it would be nice to keep him as a roommate, he’s just too bad of an influence on me. I love ya ER, I really do so dont get upset. We just will do better as friends who see each other outside of the home.

The magic is still there. T

Something never comes, never leads to nuthin
Closer to the prize at the end of the road.

The Bliss is still there too. But its definitely not as active as it has been but I have a feeling that’s because both of us are busy with our current lives as we try and make it so our paths cross. I had deeply been hoping that TGD would bring him to me, but it doesn’t look that way. I guess I won’t pack the red dress. I guess I’ll start throwing my energy towards making the Aus trip happen. I can kind of let down my guard a bit too knowing ill be around P family. It seems as though they are deeply helping me and for that I’m eternally grateful and would do anything for you guys. I hope I get to say thank you to each and every one of you.

I hope Im not disappointing too badly with my wght. I know I haven’t been keeping up and today was another bad day. I came so close the other night, but ER is such a bad influence and I have a hard time saying no. Ill try really hard tomorrow as it is a new day.

I miss you. I really do. I hope to see you soon. THe other night. At ASP I know it was you. It was wasn’t it? If it wasn’t, I’m definitely confused.

The sky is a nieghborhood
Keep it down

Im getting more and more memories back of my 5 day break from reality. It’s nice to know I had some sane moments

_____________ break for a few days…but I’m back…

Nobody else will be there

I know I’m supposed to live in the moment and I do. I definitely look forward to each new thing I am learning. Like today for example. I may actually now know how to plug a mic into a wall box that leads to pro tools. Open up pro tools. Make a connection on the patch board, and even patch in a compressor of your choice. I think I could actually recreate all these things If I wanted to and that makes me happy. I really enjoy working with audio and i really enjoy working with computers. I just need to find the right job and I have faith that will work itself out as I learn. I am so thankful to the engineers and owners of The Hallowed Halls, the recording studio that took me on just a few months after I left my ex.

___________ break for something else

There is sunlight shining through
There is comfort here

I still feel like I have some sort of brain thing going on. I get flashes of my old intelligence and then there is the fact I have to have repeated 20 times before I remember it. Im trying so hard to be good. I really am. Im just anxious and scared but confident and happy all at the same time. OH crap. I have a therapy appointment and coffee tomorrow. All things that can make the anxiety trigger. Being in public. Im reading a book about a young girl with anxiety. and im definitely reminded of myself at times. Strangely the book isn’t triggering me. I guess maybe Im rooting for her to get better in hopes that if she can do it, I can keep doing it.

Im hoping to hear from my lawyer on Thursday telling me that KM received the paperwork and had signed it and it’s in the mail to the judge. I just want to go abroad. I really do. I want to hangout with Leo. I want to see Vienna. I want to experience the first ever Priest show. I want to watch NN play with In Flames and then maybe hop a plane to somewhere else. I would love to just hop around the globe, but I don’t want to do all of it alone. I’m hoping the friends I’ve made through Ghost will be as kind and loving as the phish and dead fandom friends that ive had for a multitude of years. I’m really glad facebook exists sometimes because it’s incredible to wach their kids grow up. It’s wonderful watching your friends wish their families happy birthday. It makes me flash back to high school and being in their homes spending the nigiht after sleeping out for tickets.

SIde note:
That’s how it was done back then, in the early 90s. You would sleep in your car, in the parking lot of the venue. In this particular memory the venue was the Palace of Auburn Hills, and the show was The Grateful Dead. I remember trying to sleep. I remember the bright lights and the happy people. I remember going from the car to the lobby in the morning. ANd i mean it was morning, WAY early morning. The people working knew we were a good crowd. It was pre-95 negativity. Everyone was always smiling as they exited. There were scalpers back then, but not the way it is now. I think maybe one or two paid someone to wait in line.

I am really looking forward to Thursday Im gonna ask if I can mic an acoustic guitar.

November 1, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, deadhead, Dreams, grateful dead, Memories, positivity, reality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

5 days i lost..or found?

i lost track of about 4 days when I took off walking after parking my car near what ended up being MLK and I think Ankeny in SE. I dont remember right now what venue David was playing at but I do remember texting him that I was on y way. For some reason I parked the car and decided to walk to his show that night. I may never know what exactly happened. I keep a plastic bag with things to remember that night with. Some happy memories like the dance studio and walking into that bar where every smiling face made me feel happy. I didn’t feel any fear. I felt acceptance and they knew who I was. That is what Im aiming for. Yes, the Bliss that you cause, well that would be the cherry on top of the cake. Being around all of you, you know who you are, is what I want. Like be good familiy. That’s what it was supposed to be about in my head. I wanted that utopia that Woodstock seemeed to have been but of course if you were really there, you don’t remember it.

Some days I wonder what I have done to deserve the pain that courses through my joints at times. After sitting for about an hour and ahalf while going through my previous years hidden stories, sitting on old couch cushions, i could barely move. My body locks up and the joints scream at me and I can feel the inflammation around the joints. I can literaly feel the ball of the femur entering the sacrum. I think it’s the sacrum. My memories of the anatomy that I took at least 3 times still escapes me at times. School and I never got along.

I had to get to Coldplay. What happened after Coldplay, or even before, is another something that I may never be able to talk about. I remember falling. I remember lsoing my sock and shoe and I remember stnding on a street corner where bicycles would pass to my right. The buses and cars would pass in front, and I would just turn like I felt I was suposed to turn until I got so tired that I collapsed. Next thing I know there was a woman cop standing there and I wasn’t scared. I hadn’t been scared for most of my walk. I felt like I was on a mission. I didnt know what the mission was but I was ok. I don’t remember sleeping. I don’t remember eating and I dont remember drinking water, but I must have. Oh wait. I just got a flash of a coffee shop.

I was sgiven a choice as I left that coffee shop. One timeline or another and I went with what my heart wanted.

October 23, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, chronic pain, Dreams, Memories, pain, Stream of Consciousness | , , , | Leave a comment

Bliss

It’s hard to put into words what it feels like but it can sometimes come in the form of a pill, a powder, a liquid, a note. Which one of those sounds like it just might not hurt you? It’s nice to know that I’m actually feeling this way from listening to music. Most nights. When it’s quiet in the world and only about 9 million Swedes are awake (and the occiasional night owl like me and caligurl over there in tumblr land)I remember I’d take my dose as soon as I woke up. I don’t know if I knew I would have withdrawl from the opiates or if I just wanted to feel that rush and not even let it get to that point. I guess I loved it so much. And of course it helped take the edge off. You start to feel like you are on a slow incline up a roller coaster only you are floating in a soft cloud of something that makes you feel weightless. You know what euphoria really means. I don’t know exactly when I gave up. It was somewhere in 2013 or so.

26 members. 9-7-2017

Made the first poll. I’m seriously having too much fun testing the functionality of the board n shit. I know I can just go public but I want to try and build up some of that momentum. I do just now wonder though. Did I pull the trigger too soon? I’m the queen of that. Jumping in too fast and forging ahead trying to make a trail through the woods only to find myself at the edge of a cliff or trying to push through too thick of brush. And just stopping. Or being forced to stop by something completely out of my control.

My brain is coming back. My words are coming back. My writing is coming back. I’m 16 months after the near death experience. I wonder sometimes if I’m just making excuses by saying I’m recovering or if I’m fitting into some predetermined shape that everyone goes through when they experience what I experienced.

I am really hoping to hear from another of the ghouls but I fear that may not happen. I need to change that train of thought and get back to him. Whoever, whatever he is.

I want to at least thank him though. Because he gives me the bliss that I used to seek out sometimes by taking an extra pill here or there. Listening to a song, and feeling the way I do when certain sound waves interact and move through the air needs to be bottled. It needs to be shared with the world. I feel like a unicorn on a rainbow colored cloud of cotton candy. How’s that for a visual 😉

October 13, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Coldplay, Modular Synthesizers and A Return to the Road

That about describes the past few months.

I’ve found freedom I didn’t know I needed or wanted. I’ve returned to my computer, reading, writing and music. I’ve even purchased a guitar in a special color and learned how to play guitar; taught by someone who would turn into a good friend. I’ve faced my ex-husband in court having to testify as to why I needed a restraining order. That was hard. But I did it.. I survived panic attacks, some sort of amnesia, an empty oil tank and a tablet that seemed to have a life of it’s own.

I left a husband that had been not a good influence in my life. I can’t really say more then that as I am heading to court to face him in a few weeks. I actually ahve to sit down this weekend and go through the paperwork of our marriage that fell apart in March. In my mind it actually started to fall apart on New Years Eve. We got into what was really honestly one of the worst fights. And it was something that scared me too. It seemed like he was not comprehending the words that were coming out of my mouth.

This degenerated for the following months all coming to a head on March 18th.

I was trying my best to apply for a job that I really wanted. My health was way better. I was driving myself everywhere and even volunteered somewhere to see if physically I could handle being somewhere for a set of hours not knowing what my pain would feel like. The job required me to teach myself some computer skills. Something I can sometimes do if it’s not too technically challenging. I used to help run a torrent hub and loved the computer work. This job was kind of a dream job. On the computer. I could live anywhere. It was with music. My number one love. And customer service which is one thing I have a lot of experience with. I don’t know why I threw myself into learning a bunch of programs, I just needed to and ended up being awake a lot of the time in a 3 day span. The job, it was the catalyst. Along with the laugh that began the end of the end. I was doing it to keep him alive as the new politicians wanted to take away the help we received that kept his heart monitored. See he has CHF and had a cardiac arrest and died in my arms on the kitchen floor. But that’s for another post.

He began to badger me about explaining what the programs did. I was so amped, and had such a lack of sleep, and am still recovering from MOF, I couldn’t do more the a rudimentary explanation that did not meet his approval and he began to try and convince me that I was making things up.

Come to find out he had left me with large debts.

He had the bank card. That’s all I knew. I knew I needed to get it from him. I had no money. I had just had to lie to him to get 5 bucks. It may have even been 10. It was another chip in the wall of our marriage. I walked in the bedroom and tried to retrieve it. It was my bank card, he didn’t have one at the time.

As soon as I found myself out of the house. I went to where I felt safe with George, the pitbull I loved, and called a friend for help. She invited me over to the house, and I took my bag, and the dog and took a rest. I may have taken a shower, the details are quite fuzzy. I just knew I needed to get to the coast. Away. Something was drawing me there. Something I will never understand but it wasn’t something like a voice, or a person, it was just a feeling that would eventually guide me to safety and freedom. I got some cash. I made a hotel reservation and took off for the coast.

I ended up in the wrong city. At the wrong motel.

Many things happened that I will never explain in a public setting but some of you out there know what;s  up.

He convinced me to go back home with him and the memory of racing down the coast mountain range, seeing the clear cuts. I knew deep inside that this wasn’t right. I had ordered a new bankcard and he took that too. I finally got myself to the courthouse and got a restraining order. But he was at the house when I returned and wouldn’t leave. I ran to the nearest store, and since my phone had disappeared, I asked someone with a cell phone outside to call 911. I had no food. I had some money I can’t remember where I Got it, and I had to get back to the house in a few days to try and retrieve the newest bankcard that was on the way. It didn’t really matter though, as he had drained the account by that point. I may have had 20 in there? On top of that, the oil in the car had mysteriously dropped to the point that the red light came on while driving. I was petrified to take it very far. I found myself in the hospital recovering from a panic attack at the store. I was helped to safety in a motel room to await the cops serving him with the restraining order I had won. I was scared of him. He had never put his hands on me before and I had always told him if he did it was over. He was the third man to put his hands on me. The one before him fled because I pressed charges. I spent 3 days holed up in a hotel room with no cell phone, a really inexpensive tablet that would play my radiohead pandora station that seemed to comfort me the most. I watched KOIN and Price is Right. And they helped me pass the hours. I was afraid to leave the motel property and the only food I could afford was the vending machine in the lobby. I drank a lot of V-8 for the first time in my life as I knew I needed the nutrition. I’ve been trying to eat healthier as one of the changes I’m trying to make in the wake of the implosion of my marriage.

 

October 10, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment