Esther Tela Free speaks

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Clusterflies – Red

time to take a breather – it’s nice to make the brain work again. I’m not gonna lie. But things are starting to surface that are definitely difficult to think about. It seems as though every time there is a death, something new begins. And it seems as though change brings that about.

Staring at your walls, observing echoing footfalls…this one is for you

It was my birthday and I was turning 16. Maybe even 17. I had never had a boyfriend and I was dating Sam. He was the kindest most sweetest, most thoughtful boy I had ever met. He would set the tone for me for men, for sure, since my dad sucked.

Staring at your walls…this one is for you

He’s sleeping now. We are on totally different schedules, but that’s ok. I think he’s finally starting to get it. That there is nothing to be afraid of. It will all work out in the end the way it is supposed to. I explained my end goal the other day. I didn’t like the response I got when I told him. I was told recently that you can’t control what others do in reaciotn to you, you can only control your reaciton to them. I am really trying to put that into action every moment of my life.

So I ask you why, if I’m swimming by. Don’t you see anything that you’d like to try?

It’s still kind of fuzzy. The future. I have had a glimpse of the lighthouse’s beam and know where the rocks are but need to remember to trust myself.

Sam gave me a large, wrapped box for my birthday. I opened up the big box while sittin on the brick fireplace of my childhood home. I remember his blue eyes twinkling and the glint of the color of his hair is still a bright light in my memories. After I got the first layer of wrapping paper off the box, I realized there was another layer. It’s such a simple thing, wrapping a box, within a box, within a box. It has been over 3 decades since that present, but I still remember it as if it were yesterday. Things like that make a huge impact on people. I try to remember that myself. You never know when you just might make an indelible mark on another person.

From the bottom, from the top

I saw Sam at football practice and gave him a hug (I think?) And we drove away in the same direction. I had given him a mix-tape with some of my favorite songs on it. Everything from Wish you were here to sounds of silence. Sam and I pulled up at Woodward and Hickory Grove and I went one way and he went the other. He waved at me, and I can still see his big hand and glinting smile as he headed towards the mall with his little brother. Unbeknownst to me, that would be the last time I would see Sam. He would be tragically killed 15 minutes later when, not wearing his seatbelt, he ran a red light and was stuck by another car, killing him. I don’t know if this is true, but I was told by someone that that mix tape was found in the car after the accident. That might have been my first clue that music, is a little bit more then just a passing fancy.

Silent in the morning, suspended in the trees, lunchtime comes youve found your voice, it brings me to my knees.

 

 

 

March 16, 2017 Posted by | Memories, Stream of Consciousness, Trey | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day 1

So it’s come down to this. I accept the challenge. Chatted up the CL guy and asked him about clouds and gigs and turnkey. One month he said. Expect it to take one month. Give me two weeks. 😉

Two of em, one 5g. Now..time to find some way to turn it from the bits and bytes that it is into something we can slide in and experience.

THAT too is what it’s all about my friends

March 15, 2017 Posted by | Dreams, Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Level 3

Ready Player One..one of the best books I’ve read in the past few years. I remember that one because the simliarities are so striking and it makes me want to turn things off. But then I turn on the music (led zep pandora today) and it all starts to melt away. Things are finally starting to smooth out. We are able to communicate again. JP. *clap clap clap*

I’ve found that fuzzy brain makes things super hard. As do other things that are obviously the synapses or connections. Was it the opiates? I still get a rush sometimes. The same one I got when I’d feel a pill coming on. I have a lot of harbored anger towards Dr. G. But at the same time, I did what I could when I went down that path and I’m glad I did.

Sleep is fleeting. I have all of these choices and have no idea which one is going to work >patience, one of my worst issues..lmao….

March 15, 2017 Posted by | Books, fibromyalgia, hubby, music | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things that make you go Hrm

Called about fiber….got a quote..wrote it down..made no sense..didnt schedule..yet cables are coming or are already here? Hrm

Message from phone company saying we have an appointment to have those cables installed..then cuts off before time is said..Hrm

Still following signs. Not sure what to do next. Feeling lost. Grounding took a lot out of me. Don’t know where to go. Pain is bad. Was WELL worth the friendships made today.

I swear I saw a message in the upper right hand corner of my browser the other night, but now I wonder if it was just a bot. I saw a program to write bots. I bet I could teach myself. That’s the plan for the next few resting days that are going to be necessary after my almost 12 hour jaunt into the world. Most of it was spent with kind folk who share similar interests and I’m very glad that we connected. Bedrest, well, chair rest, will be required in order to live. Sleep. Not sure if that is going to happen.

When he read out what he had written for the review describing the limitations I have, it was a swift kick to the gut. A reminder. Today. Asking to use the Elevator at Vista House. It was a huge step for me. I stayed positive and engaged the folks who were helping me out. I tried to ask questions about the beautiful building and they answered with lots of facts and smiles. This is the kind of world I live in right now. I don’t know what to do to bring this little slice of heaven to the rest of the world that’s going through so much. Yes, I have fears. Big ones. He will die within days of not having his medication. I know what it feels like to be without him. Be without him alive. He was without oxygen for 5 minutes. I sat on 911 with the operator pleading with her to make them hurry up. At least that’s what I remember. I remember scary. I remember the spittle. I remember him being stuck. I remember Ty being here. I remember Ty talking to the 25ers. I remember seeing either them compressing his chest, or a shock perhaps? I’m honestly not sure. For a long while, I relived every damn moment, but that has eased as the years have gone by.

Now, it’s my own issues that I’m dealing with. I think I’m learning how to be an adult finally maybe? Only took a zillion years I guess. And a lot of sweat, pain, tears, and hugs and love. Or maybe we don’t ever fully mature into that devil.

Maple gave me a spotify list, with songs and descriptions and I think I just might give a listen to this playlist that I didn’t even have a log in for. If I wasn’t on drugs, I’d be worried that I’m on drugs.

I feel like I’m on Mr. Robot. Or maybe even Black Mirror. Haven’t decided yet, nor will we know for awhile I think.

March 15, 2017 Posted by | death, e-friends, fibromyalgia, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DC++: Bringing the music world to the net legally

Been awhile since Ive thought about my past life. SPent years working on a  community on the software program DC++ where you ran their software, but ran hubs with individual rules separate from the software. Kinda like being a den mother and helping people work the software along with the other troop leaders. And in return you get MUSIC. LOTS AND LOTS of music. See.when you are in pain, you need a LOT of distraction and doing things like making gifs and collecting photos and pleasing others all produce that little thing we call dopamine, or is it serotonin, or maybe epinephrine, we all have one or all working in tandem with each other to help us get through this damn thing we call life. Collecting music which helps me reproduce either memories from concerts I’ve been to or helps to induce new ones, is my drug.

Some of you may be familiar with the name napster. We ran a counter program called shnapster where we traded the compression form SHN with each other via the bittorrent technology. In that time, of unlimited up and downloads you could just endlessly sit on your computer and obsessively collect. Which is what we did. Something that happens in all forms of audio and video these days. An archivist. That’s it. I want to do that. Like Shapiro.

My own harddrive. If I remember correctly I had two. I ran a server actually now that I think about it. He and I had hours to spend and just be together and listen to music. He for his ptsd, me for my fm.

Looks like DC++ just updated perhaps? I can’t seem to find it anywhere. I’m just following along like a dog who’s found a new family. Not necessarily my owner, but a family that loves me none the less. I am not comfortable in their home, but maybe someday? I just got the updated RAM, and now I have to sort out this current mess, but I’m slowly building CM’s collection in my drive. I’m thinking I’ll count it up and figure out h ow much to put into a memory stick. Preserve it. Just in case.

I’ll just keep plugging along and doing what feels right as that seems to be working out well right now.

 

 

March 13, 2017 Posted by | DC++, karma | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stream of consciousness March 2017

Came back haunted..

Thats the best way to describe what’s going on with me. While I still retain a vast majority of my personality there is definitely a darker tinge that I can only recognize from earlier versions of myself. Seeing the path right in front of  me, there are still twists and turns and I am just hanging on for dear life. Some things can be explained. Other things can’t be. I’m flying by the seat of my pants.

I have very little memory of the days beyond thinking my life was over, seeing Ghost, and slowly starting to come back to life. In October I made the brave choice to go see Ghost and that was the first big mountain I climbed. I had a fantastic time. The staff at the Roseland were impeccable and treated me and the love with respect. The cane was a hint perhaps? It’s frustrating that without a visual aid, people just assume you are faking. I look forward to April and view what’s going on right now as a sort of a recharging station. I’m just Telafree 43.2.

The biggest trip the past few months has been the converging realities that are slowly starting to enmesh themselves in a different manifestation then I am used to. I have always believed in following signs, but have spent most of my life ignoring those signs and just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Watching the right movies, buying the right clothes. I sought out love and received that. I would like to take that love and grow something with it. Something that will outlast us. I want to make Ralph and NJ proud of me.

After October and my achievement, I needed another goal. I have learned that I am a goal-oriented person. I need a point A and a point B. I can find my way there, that isn’t the problem. And of course it will not always be this way either. The one thing that isn’t temporary is life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. I’ve seen it with so many people. From grandpa to Sam, to me coming close the first time, my father, my grandmother, I think that’s all for right now, but that’s more then enough. I  have started helping a local charity and even if I only do one hours worth of work, it was worth it to me. What they are doing is important and whether this is a destination or just a stepping stone, I am down one path, but who knows where it will split off, and whether I’m going up, down, left or right.

 

 

 

March 12, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misdiagnosis

So I just found this blog after almost a decade. I have also just recently found out that I was treated for the wrong disease.

How does this make me feel? It makes me feel two different ways. In some ways I feel like an idiot. But in another way, I am thankful that now, now I know what I have to do to deal with the pain that has been a monkey on my back for 15 years.

15 years and I’m still not used to the fact that I am physically unable to do the things that I used to be able to do.

15 years of medication that did nothing.

15 years of thinking my bones would fuse and I would end up with a hump on my back.

Instead, I get pain with no damage.

It’s a double edged sword.

February 27, 2017 Posted by | Misdiagnosis, pain | , , , | Leave a comment

Reality hits me in the bum

Reality hit me in the face when I found out who’s really behind it all, behind ‘the stalker’. I never in a million years would have expected it to be who it is. And of course they are so low and so obsessed to have even found this blog which isn’t even easy for ME to find. Let me catch you up to date. For about 3 and a half years I have had a stalker online.  It started on rec.music.phish where I was a well known poster and then followed me no matter where I went on the internet. Every new name that I was use, they would find out. I used to think it was one person, found out a few of the people it was, but now, it’s different. One person is doing it and we have been able to use ISP’s to find out who it really is behind the whole thing. This person was someone that I trusted and know well from Phish tour. In fact Ive spent hours with this person and it’s amazing to me what double sides people have. My good ole husband was WAY ahead of me and had it figured out before the IP addresses proved who it REALLY was. The great part about all of this is I just dare them to try and find me again and try and post horrible things again.  They will, I have no doubt. The great part that I was just talking about, I finally figured out that it’s funny to make fun of people with diseases on the inside and it’s even funnier to make fun of fat people. Not, but that’s what they were doing to me. I mean don’t get me wrong. To these people, being fat and having a diseas that has no physical symptoms besides weight gain makes me a target about as funny as John Stewart on a good day. I don’t care anymore and this shall be the last time ‘the stalker’ is ever spoken about and hopefully the last time it’ll be in my brain. I’m puttin’ it in a folder and into the locked file cabinet of my brain of things int he past. It’s time to move on for all of us. I know you are reading this stalker. Just stop it. You will have so much more time for yourself. And it ain’t workin’ on me anymore so either quit, or find a new victim. Hopefully one that catches you before the end and can prove what a complete and vile asswipe you are. You have done nothing but heap lots of bad karma upon yourself and it sounds like it’s starting to kick in. Have a fun ride on the way back down.

June 18, 2007 Posted by | ankylosing spondylitis, e-friends, hubby, karma, phish, reality, stalker | Leave a comment

Flowers blooming…the music’s boomin…

The musics playin, the birds are chirpin, the clematis is blooming and spring has arrived to our corner of the world. The shorts are on and The New Mastersounds are givin it UP!. They are the new soundtrack to our house. I can’t wait to give them a full listen tomorrow when I have relaxation day. I can’t wait to relax. I’ve been back to the grind for almost a month now. Saw another doctor today. Told me that my medication has been the reason for all of my ill health the past few months. It’s nice to have somewhat of an answer and someone powerful on my side. The parental is also relieved. I think she was just as scared as me and the hubby when this all happened except for the fact that she is 3000 miles away and couldn’t be here. I talked to her today, and she said she almost came out. Even though I had heard that from the hubby already. It really made me feel good to hear it on this day again and from her. It’s taken years of hard work but we really have a great relationship and I’m thankful that we are as close as we are.

Spring is my most favorite season. Even with the rain. I am hoping that the warm rains will start to come so I can start hanging outside. I miss just sittin on the porch, swinging, and reading on the weekends, sun shining. That’s how it was today but I didn’t get enough of the day to enjoy because of the doctor appointments. The physical therepy is enjoyable enough. I get pain relief there and they have big ceiling to floor windows and I can look outside at the leaves waving in the wind.

Instrumental music, especially good instrumental music can really inspire, but it has to be the right time, and the right time is not now. I’m wrappin this up short style because I want to go be with the hubby. Its important to me.

March 30, 2007 Posted by | mom, music, Rain | Leave a comment

Dreams , beams, automobiles

I really wish that the holes in my memory would start giving it up. While talking to the hubby yesterday I wanted so badly to tell him a story that involved me and someone else and something that happened years ago but I could only remember an outline of the stuff and I told it as best I could. Didn’t sound as great as I  had hoped and I wish there was some sort of pill to take to help you get your memory back.

A religious ambassador. I don’t know why we don’t have them. I mean what a grand way to help ease the wars in the world right now. Every religion would have someone that speaks for them, and perhaps we could acheive peace in this world but at the same time, I don’t even know if that’s possible.

I’m at work right now, passing time while the boss is on a (ring) conference call. Sometimes I wonder if the redhead thinks about the fans as much as a lot of us think of him. I know my husband and I have both had dreams with him in them, and it makes me wonder, on those same nights, is the redhead having dreams about his fans? Now I’m not saying he’s necessarily in our dreams but I wonder if he himself dreams about being onstage. The story he told, bout the dream that he had involving the apple and the one tooth never really struck me as a real dream, but if it was, man he has fucked up dreams.

One lasting thing from my ‘episode’ of the month of Feb, is the high beams thing. I still to this day am wondering why ‘it’ told me to keep my high beams on. I still want to know who ‘it’ was, and why I knew where to go and what was guiding me. I was never scared and I hated it that I scared the hubby. I wish he could have felt what was in my heart that night. I felt elated. I felt light as a feather. I felt like I could do anything, save someone’s life, something really dramatic. I felt that I could save the world that night if I needed too. Sometimes I wonder if all I really want is to just be loved for the rest of my life and if that’s the case then I’m all set. The hubby is the one, there has never been any doubt, and he loves me perfectly. I have no complaints (except maybe how he never wipes up his crumbs while making toast) but those aren’t real complaints. The best part about my life right now is that I’m ‘livin large’ as me and the hubby have been saying and even though we are still living somewhat check to check, we do not lack anything including love and that makes us lucky in today’s world. I am thankful to you redhead for the music that you gave to us. It also helped to shape our relationship, and I am thankful most of all to you hubby, even though you aren’t going to read this, I am very thankful that you fell in love with me as hard as I fell in love with you. I will love you forever. Promise Promise.

March 27, 2007 Posted by | hubby, karma, love, mt hood, phish, positivity, reality, Trey | Leave a comment