Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Bliss

It’s hard to put into words what it feels like but it can sometimes come in the form of a pill, a powder, a liquid, a note. Which one of those sounds like it just might not hurt you? It’s nice to know that I’m actually feeling this way from listening to music. Most nights. When it’s quiet in the world and only about 9 million Swedes are awake (and the occiasional night owl like me and caligurl over there in tumblr land)I remember I’d take my dose as soon as I woke up. I don’t know if I knew I would have withdrawl from the opiates or if I just wanted to feel that rush and not even let it get to that point. I guess I loved it so much. And of course it helped take the edge off. You start to feel like you are on a slow incline up a roller coaster only you are floating in a soft cloud of something that makes you feel weightless. You know what euphoria really means. I don’t know exactly when I gave up. It was somewhere in 2013 or so.

26 members. 9-7-2017

Made the first poll. I’m seriously having too much fun testing the functionality of the board n shit. I know I can just go public but I want to try and build up some of that momentum. I do just now wonder though. Did I pull the trigger too soon? I’m the queen of that. Jumping in too fast and forging ahead trying to make a trail through the woods only to find myself at the edge of a cliff or trying to push through too thick of brush. And just stopping. Or being forced to stop by something completely out of my control.

My brain is coming back. My words are coming back. My writing is coming back. I’m 16 months after the near death experience. I wonder sometimes if I’m just making excuses by saying I’m recovering or if I’m fitting into some predetermined shape that everyone goes through when they experience what I experienced.

I am really hoping to hear from another of the ghouls but I fear that may not happen. I need to change that train of thought and get back to him. Whoever, whatever he is.

I want to at least thank him though. Because he gives me the bliss that I used to seek out sometimes by taking an extra pill here or there. Listening to a song, and feeling the way I do when certain sound waves interact and move through the air needs to be bottled. It needs to be shared with the world. I feel like a unicorn on a rainbow colored cloud of cotton candy. How’s that for a visual 😉

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October 13, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Coldplay, Modular Synthesizers and A Return to the Road

That about describes the past few months.

I’ve found freedom I didn’t know I needed or wanted. I’ve returned to my computer, reading, writing and music. I’ve even purchased a guitar in a special color and learned how to play guitar; taught by someone who would turn into a good friend. I’ve faced my ex-husband in court having to testify as to why I needed a restraining order. That was hard. But I did it.. I survived panic attacks, some sort of amnesia, an empty oil tank and a tablet that seemed to have a life of it’s own.

I left a husband that had been not a good influence in my life. I can’t really say more then that as I am heading to court to face him in a few weeks. I actually ahve to sit down this weekend and go through the paperwork of our marriage that fell apart in March. In my mind it actually started to fall apart on New Years Eve. We got into what was really honestly one of the worst fights. And it was something that scared me too. It seemed like he was not comprehending the words that were coming out of my mouth.

This degenerated for the following months all coming to a head on March 18th.

I was trying my best to apply for a job that I really wanted. My health was way better. I was driving myself everywhere and even volunteered somewhere to see if physically I could handle being somewhere for a set of hours not knowing what my pain would feel like. The job required me to teach myself some computer skills. Something I can sometimes do if it’s not too technically challenging. I used to help run a torrent hub and loved the computer work. This job was kind of a dream job. On the computer. I could live anywhere. It was with music. My number one love. And customer service which is one thing I have a lot of experience with. I don’t know why I threw myself into learning a bunch of programs, I just needed to and ended up being awake a lot of the time in a 3 day span. The job, it was the catalyst. Along with the laugh that began the end of the end. I was doing it to keep him alive as the new politicians wanted to take away the help we received that kept his heart monitored. See he has CHF and had a cardiac arrest and died in my arms on the kitchen floor. But that’s for another post.

He began to badger me about explaining what the programs did. I was so amped, and had such a lack of sleep, and am still recovering from MOF, I couldn’t do more the a rudimentary explanation that did not meet his approval and he began to try and convince me that I was making things up.

Come to find out he had left me with large debts.

He had the bank card. That’s all I knew. I knew I needed to get it from him. I had no money. I had just had to lie to him to get 5 bucks. It may have even been 10. It was another chip in the wall of our marriage. I walked in the bedroom and tried to retrieve it. It was my bank card, he didn’t have one at the time.

As soon as I found myself out of the house. I went to where I felt safe with George, the pitbull I loved, and called a friend for help. She invited me over to the house, and I took my bag, and the dog and took a rest. I may have taken a shower, the details are quite fuzzy. I just knew I needed to get to the coast. Away. Something was drawing me there. Something I will never understand but it wasn’t something like a voice, or a person, it was just a feeling that would eventually guide me to safety and freedom. I got some cash. I made a hotel reservation and took off for the coast.

I ended up in the wrong city. At the wrong motel.

Many things happened that I will never explain in a public setting but some of you out there know what;s  up.

He convinced me to go back home with him and the memory of racing down the coast mountain range, seeing the clear cuts. I knew deep inside that this wasn’t right. I had ordered a new bankcard and he took that too. I finally got myself to the courthouse and got a restraining order. But he was at the house when I returned and wouldn’t leave. I ran to the nearest store, and since my phone had disappeared, I asked someone with a cell phone outside to call 911. I had no food. I had some money I can’t remember where I Got it, and I had to get back to the house in a few days to try and retrieve the newest bankcard that was on the way. It didn’t really matter though, as he had drained the account by that point. I may have had 20 in there? On top of that, the oil in the car had mysteriously dropped to the point that the red light came on while driving. I was petrified to take it very far. I found myself in the hospital recovering from a panic attack at the store. I was helped to safety in a motel room to await the cops serving him with the restraining order I had won. I was scared of him. He had never put his hands on me before and I had always told him if he did it was over. He was the third man to put his hands on me. The one before him fled because I pressed charges. I spent 3 days holed up in a hotel room with no cell phone, a really inexpensive tablet that would play my radiohead pandora station that seemed to comfort me the most. I watched KOIN and Price is Right. And they helped me pass the hours. I was afraid to leave the motel property and the only food I could afford was the vending machine in the lobby. I drank a lot of V-8 for the first time in my life as I knew I needed the nutrition. I’ve been trying to eat healthier as one of the changes I’m trying to make in the wake of the implosion of my marriage.

 

October 10, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Everything now

The power of music is incredible.

I have never been in more emotional pain then I was tonight

but 20 minutes later Liam sang Wonderwall and I’m better.

Thank you.

You know who you are.

September 23, 2017 Posted by | music, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

You be my Wendy, Ill be your Peter Pan

yup,
the Magic, and that’s magic with a capital ‘m’, is back.

With concrete evidence too that other people can visually see.

I’m not crazy.

I don’t know the outcome or what will happen in the next 5 minutes. I was a bit nervous to even leave the house after the panic attack i had last night which turned into a crazy morning turning into a mellow afternoon/evening. I look forward to relaxing and puffing when i get home and maybe connecting with my A.B.

I really need to take the advice of ER and just…and just..accept things. It’s hard though. I am one who wants answers and wants to know the ins and outs of everything. How did that get there? Why did you do that? Why is it turning out this way? What’s going to happen in the next 5 minutes? What’s going to happen if this all turns out wrong? All questions that run through my head while I’m experiencing this continuing shift into my new life.

Turned in the PP paperwork and saw you. I. Want. To. Hug. You. Even just an E.T. phone home finger touch would throw me over the moon. In fact, if you are reading this, that’s how I want us to touch for the first time. Yup. That’s how weird I am. 😉

i want to go now.
i want it now
I need it
(Everything now!) I want it
(Everything now!) I can’t live without
(Everything now!)

So many wonderful plans coming up that I’m excited even if something gets in the way of those plans. I’m excited about life and what it holds for me in the future. I’m very happy with the direction my life is going in even though I’ve hit a road block on what to do next with T.S.C. I thought TL would let me post and that was going to be my saving grace but that isn’t happening. I guess I’ll just keep putting up eye candy and maybe ask…oooh. I just got a lightbulb on what to do next!

I’m ready for you. I think?

September 20, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, Changes, reality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a little light

I’m incredibly anxious and nervous. The court date is coming closer and closer. I have to see his face. I have to feel his energy. I will have my 2 closest friends with me. 2 people who I have spent a lot of time just talking to and getting to know. 2 people who have become a part of my crew and as I think about them my anxiety abates for just a moment and I’m back in the bliss. Well not THE bliss. I should capitalize THE bliss. So it would be the Bliss instead.

Life is good. Studio: good. Friends: good. Family: good. Money: could be better but passes with a C-.

I drew a line for you. Oh what a thing to do. And it was all yellow.

I sometimes feel an ache in my heart. Sometimes it feels full. As if what is supposed to be there with me, is already here. I don’t know how to explain it but after Cannon Beaach, I have not been alone for one minute. Even when no physical human was around. There is a presence. I feel it in a few different ways but it is mainly during music. It’s not the same feeling at the same time to the same song over and over. That’s not how it works. It seems to have autonomy. Bliss. It is honestly Bliss.

My tablet. One day I will tell the internet about the tablet and my biggest secret of what happened in those 36 or so hours. Or not.

My mom has a testimony about God now. She says she felt when my step-father passed. She told him it was OK to go and felt that God was in the room with her. The first month of two after Cannon Beach I agreed that there was a god but then he decided to respond and ask for half.

Half.

I remember now that you were trailing a red trailer, and you were a fire-fighter. I think it said that on the side in either red or white lettering. Probably white but I could just be dismembering.

I wish I could get back to that world sometimes. But I often wonder if it really is a world or is it the upside down because its the world while my brain chemicals are imbalanced.

3 days. There are a few stories I could tell that could all open with those 2 words.

This really is a stream of consciousness. Im starting to write the way I used to before the brain was inundated with large doses of opiates and anti-anxiety meds.

So you are jumping. From one to another to another. Is that how its working? Im totally making this up but it feels like it could possibly happen. In this life. Anything is possible. I went from not leaving the chair for years, to a full on life. A new life. An exciting life. A life I look forward to waking up to every morning. I didn’t know what fulfillment in life was until I began T.S.C. This project gives me focus. I’m able to problem solve and look for alternatives.

I still love you. I can’t let go of you. It’s just too strong, our cord. Our golden connection. That’s never gonna go away. Well, it might, but it feels like it may never. Getting the ache in my chest and heart today for the first time in over a month was a bit unsettling. I just had gotten used to things being the way they are now. Forgetting that there is a past that is really painful and hard to let go of. I am moving through the steps of power cycling my modem and my lights are starting to blink a strange pattern that will soon settle into the blinks and colors that I’m used to.

I still feel you. Very deeply. I hope I will recognize you when I see you next.

3 times it blinked today. I’m starting to wonder if it just blinks every few seconds all the time. But I know that’s not true. I don’t think it’s made to go from walk, to the countdown numbers back to the walk. It’s easy for me to notice because it goes from white to orange and that catches your eye. I think if you saw that. Every single time you drove by an intersection when school isn’t in session you see something strange. It blinks
once

twice

Three

Times in a 5 second span. It’s that inexpiable thing that I just have to let go of and accept as being weird? That’s not good enough dammit.

I’m trying to make my dreams come true. I think they include touring and music. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten but touring is optional.

Music, is not.

I have an appointment with the lawyer again soon. Not exactly sure but I really like her. She treats me kind and respectful.

There are times when I just can’t do anything but put my right hand on my heart. I don’t know if you are sending me that feeling or if its coming from my dopamine, seratonin and oxytocin but I honestly don’t care. I’m going to enjoy the connection to the universe that I feel right now. I should go back to eating better and being completely sober. I really should.

That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel….
…you were bigger and brighter and whiter then snow

I was reminded of something really cool this week. A memory of doing a scavenger hunt with disposable cameras, teams of strangers soon to be friends for the weekend and a wedding that came about because I helped them meet. Well. I am the reason they met. I will soon meet the children from this union. The oldest is going to college! It’s amazing to me that they count me as being so important.

How long will i have to wait for it

September 8, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

3rd inning in a mid-season game

So in May or so, I wandered into Volume Bomb, a guitar store down the street from my house. I passed it at least once a day and had never stopped since it opened a bit ago. I saw the guy smoking on the steps and he looked harmless, and I had an itch to get a guitar (this was before Grace, my gold top showed up in my life) and I was on the hunt. I walked in after parking on the street and made my way into the dark, hushed shop that would be the change in my life I had been looking for. I picked up a white Reverend and began to strum it a little and then hung it gently back up on its rack and started to gaze around the shop. I noticed some dark, funny pins, some great patches and t-shirts and of course the coveted Orange amplifiers that always make me wrinkle my nose with joy when I see them. I chatted up the owner and he just happend to mention that there was a recording studio connected to the shop and pointed at a door right next to his chair, hidden in the wall. That’s studio B he said. I casually asked if they were looking for interns. I had previously wanted to be an intern with a local record label but that hadn’t panned out. Nor had the job for Bandcamp that I had really wanted just a month or so prior. The bearded man informed me that I should email J, the head Engineer and ask him the same question. After a little bit more conversation and an exchange of emails, I headed home and wrote an email to J right away. I had a feeling this was the right choice and boy was I right.

All my life, I had wanted to be part of the music industry but never really knew it. I focused all my schooling and energy to being a healthcare worker. But now, physically, I cannot stand for what would be required to work in that field in the way that I would want. After leaving my husband and settling into a new life, an internship is exactly what I needed. And the best part; it’s a mile from my house!

I’ve now been interning for more then a couple of months and have been trusted with a key to the place and left alone at times. I have gained a lot of courage and I will always and forever be grateful to J and G for giving me a shot.

Today, I was offered a job to go on tour out east with a band. A band that has a pretty well known booking agent. And about 1000 people per show. I dont know exactly what job I would have been doing as I mentioned that I wanted to be support on the road and was rewarded with a ‘would you like to go on tour in October?’

Sadly, ,I had to turn it down as I am traveling to the mid-west and driving my mother from Michigan to Florida at the same time tour is taking place. Perhaps though, this is just the first of many offers. I have nothing but an empty path in front of me with it heading in many directions. Which one Ill take, which one I’ll head down. I just don’t know.

The Oping was born today. An idea that popped into my head just yesterday. But it’s almost a toddler in just a short 24 hour span. I guess when I’m motivated, and find the right programs, I can finish something. And create something that didn’t exist before. Whether it will survive toddlerdom, is yet to be seen. Saturday is the big pitch to the players in the field, who will be letting me know if I”ve made a ball or strike.

August 25, 2017 Posted by | Changes, Internship, The Oping, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

4 months , 16 days

I said I couldn’t wait til the good parts. Well. They arrived and I’m writing about it today. August 23rd, 2017.

I have an internship I love. I have a fantastic roommate. I have a best friend. I have the right to do anything I want to and I’m enjoying it. I’m trying different and new things. Reading a lot of books. And heading into the past by trying to teach myself computer stuff. I really enjoy it. I’m close with my mom. I have tickets to 4 concerts and I have 2 plane tickets with a 3rd and 4th on the horizon. The universe still gives me clues that I’m on the right path. That’s the thing that keeps me calm and sane. I know I’m on the right path.

I’m really bummed I missed that job opportunity with Bandcamp. I  keep an eye on their jobs page in hopes that one day the browser will provide me with that path that I glimpsed but ended up turning away from. I’m slowly drifting back in that way but it’s a light airy place with no solid ground except for my own two feet and that is a new experience for me. I’m solely dependent and responsible for myself and my decisions. I didn’t know I had been living my life so poorly. I mean I knew. But I didn’t think I would change. I thought life was over. My doctor had said I would be on them for the rest of my life, but as it stands I’ve had one craving and finding 4 opiate pills the other night didn’t even trigger the cravings.

Clearing out my room was an exorcism for me and something that has cleared my head. I have plans through the fall and that makes me happy. I’m not looking really any further then that. I am definitely still falling into old patterns and having issues that have haunted me all my life. But in other ways, I’m completely different. I eat olives. That’s huge. I used to not even want to get near one. I never gagged like an old friend of mine would if they tasted olive juice but it was something I avoided in my diet at all times. I have to buy cans weekly now if that tells you anything. I make my bed every day too. That is another change that is small but definitely noticeable to me in the way my brain is acting. I’m still having issues with words. I’ll get stuck, not able to find the right word for what I want to say. It’s frustrating and not getting any better after 16 months in recovery. I fear that it will stick around and I don’t know how I feel about that. I worry that my friends and acquaintances will judge me as not being as intelligent as I know I am.

I guess I’ll end this with the fact that I do have the story started. It’s just set to publish after court.

I told him I’d leave if he put his hands on me.

August 24, 2017 Posted by | hubby, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

March 18, 2017

That’s the day it all changed. That’s the day I awoke. I welcome you to the story of my life and what they did to me. I wasn’t completely innocent. For many many years I willingly took the opiates but on April 29, 2016 that changed.

April 5, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Take a trip down memory lane

Sitting at home alone, which is still something that is quite the novelty I find myself turning to youtube to revisit some memories as well as see new ones. Tonight it’s the Roseland show. I was so excited to experience New York City, and the Roseland show was a hard ticket to get. I went out of my way to make sure that I had something for the band, even though I didn’t know if they knew who I was or not. Eric worked for  Nab. at the time and I went and was able to get a huge bag full of special Oreo’s. I wanted to gift the person who had given me the +1 that I was to have that night. They had us in two lines. To the left were the fans. To the right were the VIP’s I guess you could say and because of who I was dating at the time I was to the right. We were first in line, which is where I usually liked to be back then and I was in tip top shape and ready to make that run from the door to the rail. Mike ended up getting the Oreos I heard. I hope he liked em. When the doors opened I remember glancing at the sign that said the capacity of the place. I had seen the band play in small venues but absoultely nothing the size that The Roseland was. They were taping it too for VH1 and still to this day I can’t believe I had the luck to be there in the front for it. I got to the front and was right in front of the redhead. The camera guy was walking up and down in the space between the rail and the stage. I was reminded tonight of what the camera man said to me. He said that I didn’t need to worry about being on TV because I wasn’t pretty enough. He said something about my weight too. I tried very hard to not let it bother me, and it did bother me for about 5 minutes. Then I gave the camera man some candy and proceeded to have one of the best nights of my life. I didn’t care whatanyone said. I was mere feet away and that was the best place to be. I can still feel it now, almost 17 years later, how wonderful this music makes me feel. I guess maybe one day I’ll accept the fact that maybe they knew me a bit too? Maybe?

April 4, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It begins…

I woke up feeling reborn. The world seemed bright and shiny, but I realized something was up when I saw the tv diagonally up on the wall and I was wearing the wonderful hospital gown. I remember Dr. L sitting next to the bed and smiling at me. She kept asking me how I felt and I just kept repeating reborn. My face felt like it was going to split from the wide grin. My husband was to my left and while the pain was there, it seemed muted somehow. The phlebotomy team would come early in the morning and I remember the one who seemed to take that little bit of extra time to share a small portion of the real them. I remember thinking how wonderful their energy was towards me. They might not know how much that means when shits just hit the fan and you don’t quite have your bearings yet. I had spent the past few years thinking my life was over. The pain had consumed every aspect of my life. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t watch a tv show or movie. I couldn’t leave the house . I was scared. I was confused. I had been taught that doctors are the ones you trust. They get paid the money that allows them to pretend to care, listen and small chat about their yearly vacation to Alaska. You have to fly a private plane. To get to where this guy would go. The pills were so many. The patches took precident too. There has to be another way I thought.

The discovery channel had the Alaska wilderness tv show on, or maybe it was the gold searching one. It was my touchstone. I needed to come back. He had died on me. He was falling apart. I wanted to come back for myself. I couldn’t take my pills that morning. He had to call 911. I don’t know if I fought the EMTs or not, but I must have because I had large purple bruises all over my arms and an ugly blister that the hubby thinks was from  a strap of some sort. I also had to learn how to sleep with a full face mask while sleeping in a hospital. If you’ve never slept in the hospital, count your lucky stars. The good ole Doctor g, I guess, didn’t know, or ask the right questions, or I didn’t tell him, or maybe we didn’t know what to look for, but I was experiencing what is called sleep apnea. Many people have it. I wasn’t aware of it. You stop breathing while sleeping. I had noticed that I wasn’t dreaming and I missed it terribly. I remember asking the hubby if something was wrong because I wasn’t dreaming. I also had the clock. The clock test, it kind of saved my life too. It stuck in my head that if you couldn’t draw a clock, that something’s wrong with you. I repeatedly would draw that damn thing. Small notepads had my attempts on many pages. I would later, after getting out, ask the hubby if he still had those notebooks. I remember asking and him saying no, I threw them out. That’s probably for the best, as moving on has been one of the best drugs there are.

March 18, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment