Esther Tela Free speaks

Just another weblog

March 18, 2017

That’s the day it all changed. That’s the day I awoke. I welcome you to the story of my life and what they did to me. I wasn’t completely innocent. For many many years I willingly took the opiates but on April 29, 2016 that changed.

April 5, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Take a trip down memory lane

Sitting at home alone, which is still something that is quite the novelty I find myself turning to youtube to revisit some memories as well as see new ones. Tonight it’s the Roseland show. I was so excited to experience New York City, and the Roseland show was a hard ticket to get. I went out of my way to make sure that I had something for the band, even though I didn’t know if they knew who I was or not. Eric worked for  Nab. at the time and I went and was able to get a huge bag full of special Oreo’s. I wanted to gift the person who had given me the +1 that I was to have that night. They had us in two lines. To the left were the fans. To the right were the VIP’s I guess you could say and because of who I was dating at the time I was to the right. We were first in line, which is where I usually liked to be back then and I was in tip top shape and ready to make that run from the door to the rail. Mike ended up getting the Oreos I heard. I hope he liked em. When the doors opened I remember glancing at the sign that said the capacity of the place. I had seen the band play in small venues but absoultely nothing the size that The Roseland was. They were taping it too for VH1 and still to this day I can’t believe I had the luck to be there in the front for it. I got to the front and was right in front of the redhead. The camera guy was walking up and down in the space between the rail and the stage. I was reminded tonight of what the camera man said to me. He said that I didn’t need to worry about being on TV because I wasn’t pretty enough. He said something about my weight too. I tried very hard to not let it bother me, and it did bother me for about 5 minutes. Then I gave the camera man some candy and proceeded to have one of the best nights of my life. I didn’t care whatanyone said. I was mere feet away and that was the best place to be. I can still feel it now, almost 17 years later, how wonderful this music makes me feel. I guess maybe one day I’ll accept the fact that maybe they knew me a bit too? Maybe?

April 4, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It begins…

I woke up feeling reborn. The world seemed bright and shiny, but I realized something was up when I saw the tv diagonally up on the wall and I was wearing the wonderful hospital gown. I remember Dr. L sitting next to the bed and smiling at me. She kept asking me how I felt and I just kept repeating reborn. My face felt like it was going to split from the wide grin. My husband was to my left and while the pain was there, it seemed muted somehow. The phlebotomy team would come early in the morning and I remember the one who seemed to take that little bit of extra time to share a small portion of the real them. I remember thinking how wonderful their energy was towards me. They might not know how much that means when shits just hit the fan and you don’t quite have your bearings yet. I had spent the past few years thinking my life was over. The pain had consumed every aspect of my life. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t watch a tv show or movie. I couldn’t leave the house . I was scared. I was confused. I had been taught that doctors are the ones you trust. They get paid the money that allows them to pretend to care, listen and small chat about their yearly vacation to Alaska. You have to fly a private plane. To get to where this guy would go. The pills were so many. The patches took precident too. There has to be another way I thought.

The discovery channel had the Alaska wilderness tv show on, or maybe it was the gold searching one. It was my touchstone. I needed to come back. He had died on me. He was falling apart. I wanted to come back for myself. I couldn’t take my pills that morning. He had to call 911. I don’t know if I fought the EMTs or not, but I must have because I had large purple bruises all over my arms and an ugly blister that the hubby thinks was from  a strap of some sort. I also had to learn how to sleep with a full face mask while sleeping in a hospital. If you’ve never slept in the hospital, count your lucky stars. The good ole Doctor g, I guess, didn’t know, or ask the right questions, or I didn’t tell him, or maybe we didn’t know what to look for, but I was experiencing what is called sleep apnea. Many people have it. I wasn’t aware of it. You stop breathing while sleeping. I had noticed that I wasn’t dreaming and I missed it terribly. I remember asking the hubby if something was wrong because I wasn’t dreaming. I also had the clock. The clock test, it kind of saved my life too. It stuck in my head that if you couldn’t draw a clock, that something’s wrong with you. I repeatedly would draw that damn thing. Small notepads had my attempts on many pages. I would later, after getting out, ask the hubby if he still had those notebooks. I remember asking and him saying no, I threw them out. That’s probably for the best, as moving on has been one of the best drugs there are.

March 18, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Take it all

might as well..

one of my childhood memories, as i was just reminded, is that my mom took me to the dr at 8 to be told how to lose weight.

It sucked.

March 17, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’m elated..and im having the worst night of my life. Its always like that isnt it.

Much love to all of you out there…thank know who you are

March 17, 2017 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Day 1

So it’s come down to this. I accept the challenge. Chatted up the CL guy and asked him about clouds and gigs and turnkey. One month he said. Expect it to take one month. Give me two weeks. đŸ˜‰

Two of em, one 5g. Now..time to find some way to turn it from the bits and bytes that it is into something we can slide in and experience.

THAT too is what it’s all about my friends

March 15, 2017 Posted by | Dreams, Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment