Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Brittle and white shells

Slowly starting to come together. I read somewhere about gold filled cracks of pots and China form to make something that is worthy of being shown tik the world.  I’m trying to start each dat by deciding yo be happy.  I feel like I have to keep this delicate balance I have going right now. I’m working on.my physical and mental health all at the same time and boy us it like spinning plates.  I pray I have the strength to keep everything balanced. I’m wanting to move forward on whatever path I’ve stumbled onto. Writing really helps. The music is back to comforting me instead of being a reminder of fucking up. It felt like that for a little bit but thar first night home, I knew all would be well. I actually felt it when I stared out the planes window and glimpsed the lights in portland. I’ve found home. And I’m doing ok today.

December 1, 2017 Posted by | Alone, anxiety, believe, Changes, depression, Dreams, music, patience, positivity, randoms, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If we’ve only got this life..

It’s hard because I’m living so much in the future right now. I think I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. I can’t stop sleeping or eating. At least I’m starting to learn the healthier and lower calorie things to snack on. My anxiety is lessened. I even went and hung out by myself in a public place. That was a tough one for sure. To be sitting at the bar and looking at all the people hanging with other people. I do not like it, but I can do it when I want to play galaga, which is pretty often. I’m quite addicted to that game.

Stuck, In a lift.

That’s where I am right now. Stuck in between worlds. THe old me vs. the new me. I’m definitely enjoying the new me. THe after mof me. I was gifted what seems to be a 50% shot of living after multiple organ failure. That’s kinda scary. My dexterity in my fingers is starting to come back. My words to get stuck as often as they have been and im about, oh, a year and a half out from near death now.

The magic is there still. So is the Bliss. I realize I’m not talking about it as much but it’s becoming more personal to me I suppose. Something that doesn’t need to be shared about anymore. I realize now that there are things I need to keep to myself. That is another new lesson I’m learning. I’ve repeated this often, that I feel like Im a college kid just because of the similarities of the things I’ve had to and still need to learn that I remember needing to learn my freshman year of college. That I didn’t learn nor did I need to but I feel the urge to try and better myself. I want to find a career I love and spend 20 years doing it. I want that to be in music.

I want to get a job. I don’t know doing what and Im thinking I might need to go to school for that. I will open up a path for that to happen I suppose. You’re never too old to learn right? I seem to be making 2 days a week at the studio pretty easily now. Sunday is a hands on meeting for us interns to learn more and I’m quite excited about that.

I’m shadowing tonight at a dance club and I am excited about that. It’s the leap between learning and actually doing that I’m having anxiety about. Now that I”ve put it out there, the fear that I have about that step in life, hopefully the anxiety will lesson. It’s hard being anxious about EVERYTHING. It makes life, well, a little difficult.

I need to find software on how to run a server that I can underestand and teach myself. Or find someone to teach me. I need help on that one universe.

Thanks yall for reading. Its kinda cool knowing theres a few of you out there ❤

November 12, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, Changes, Dreams, Internship, MOF, music, recovery, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m starting to…

learn that some people are only in your life for a little bit.

find freedom in being alone.

facing my fears on a daily basis and conquering some of them.

feel confident in who I am as a person.

learn what kind of food I like, but Im never going to be a cook.

learn that I want to bake again.

lovemyself.

November 7, 2017 Posted by | randoms, Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Laughing, Oakland and chickens?!

The chickens were a nice touch. I needed the laugh big time. I think that’s one of the most impressive things. WHen something so foreign pops up and then I laugh my ass off exactly when I need it.

I went to Oakland for the weekend. It was my first flight without opiates to deal with the chronic pain. I lost my headphones and was worried I wouldnt have MY drug, music, with me. But I was able to procure a set of ear buds to keep me happy when I needed my ‘fix’.

I met some wonderful people. P family was in full effect and I hope one day to thank HS. He was the most visiable calming thing out in that crowd and for that I will be forever grateful. I don’t know if he knows I went backstage for the first time because of him. ANd he’s done some really wonderful kind things in this world and deserves nothing but the joy he seems to experience when at a show (as evidenced by the big grin he always seems to have)

Nothing can break me down
Dont need no advice
I got a plan

I know a few of you were there. I sensed it but was too afraid to say hello. I wishi I had more guts then I do in some situations but I guess we always have to work on oursevles and my anxiety is where I have a lot of learning to do.

USDA
Certified lean

THe magic is still very much around. Chickens. 2 of em. A block and a half from my house. THe usual signs are there which makes me happy. I am comforted by those things that are random. Because nothing, nothing, is random.

November 6, 2017 Posted by | Oakland, P Family, Stream of Consciousness, traveling, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment