Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

19 months

It’s now been 19 months since my mof. And i still to this day wonder if I’m getting better. Am I back to what I was before. Will there ever be a ‘back’ to who I was before? I guess the answer is no, because who I was before the malfunctioning organs is in no way shape or form recognizable to me right now. I still have anxiety, but going out to a show by myself doesn’t have the scary factor that it used to have. I still stumble on words and now I”m having teeth trouble and i sound like a serious dork. I can’t stop sleeping either.

How do I explain to someone the magical things that I experience. I can’t really talk about it anymore and that some what pains me. I’m not used to not being able to share the amazing things that are happening but Im starting to realize that is how it has to be from now on. I have to accept some things with this current change in my life. Bigger things that are not in my control are happening to me and that’s well, a bit strange. I’m just trying to hang on and learn how to have patience. Right? Right.

I’m very curious about life a little bit today. I’m finally seeing the end of the tunnel Im in when it comes to cleaning up this house that I’ve lived in for 18 years. 15 of those years are starting to feel like a wisp in the wind and I’m happy about that. It sometimes feels as if it didn’t happen but then I’ll see something and woosh I’ll get a serious memory. Today I cried in bed. One of those deep cry’s that shake you to your core. I couldn’t identify the reason for it. I’m honestly doing ok deep down under this depression that I’ve got right now that I attribute to the time change. Why do we do that again? It’s back to an Oregon winter. The gray. I ran outsdie the minute I saw the sun and Im starting to wonder if I can handle an entire winter here on my own. I’ve always had roommates. Even from the moment I bought this house. I guess this is what I’m supposed to work on right now. Doing things my way.

I’m alive and I have a soul…

 

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November 13, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, death, depression, MOF, patience, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Too in love to let it show
if you never try
youll never know
just what you’re worth

Lgihts are supposed to guide me home. I know this but I’ve got so many things going on in my brain that I’m trying to handle that things kinda get thrown to the wayside. Coldplay always seems to ground me. I wonder does music affect YOU this way? Do YOU ever feel like it’s there to support you and get you through what you are going through right now at THAT exact moment. The music brings you the emotions that you’d feel if you were in a room full of people hearing and experiencing their own realities but you are all there at one time creating energy that is positive. All set to music that we can listen to as many times as we want and recall that memory. Recall that energy. I live for music. I really do. I exist to go to see live music. At least at the live concert it’s positive. When you are alone it can be different because you can experience emotions privately and cry your eyes our if it’s just one of those days. Im

I’m definitely learning a lot about life right now. I’m learning about nutrition. I’m trying to exercise. That’s a hard one because of the pain cycle that I get stuck in. I will hurt from sleeping, or sitting, or any of those activities that sets me off and it will hurt so bad I dont want to move. But that not moving makes the pain worse. Sometimes even moving makes the pain worse. But there is no difference between the pain on the opiates and the pain off the opiates. There are a shit ton of positives though and I wouldnt p ut myself back on those drugs if you paid me. I am so much happier now. I still wonder what kinds of damage my brain has, but I have hope.

I read recently that they observed a 72 year old man making huge changes to the pathways in his brain. They had previously thought that stopped when we were infants. That gives me hope that whatever the drugs may have done to me, I might be able to get it back. Im defnitely having small issues at recalling certain words but I feel I may have crossed a bridge recently because my writing seems to have changed even. Maybe it’s because I’m puffing.

THe anxiety is lessened. The stress has lessened. The excitement’s (believe) levels are high. Less then 24 hours and I’ll be on a plane heading to Cali. Im going on a trip again. This is what I save every penny for. Well ok, I got help on this one. Thanks for the ticket mom!!! Love you!

I will soon be traipsing around a city ive never been in. Something that I’ve enjoyed since I hit my early 20s. Life is an adventure. Such a cheesy line and saying but it really is true.

November 3, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, believe, california, chronic pain, mom, Trey, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

4 months , 16 days

I said I couldn’t wait til the good parts. Well. They arrived and I’m writing about it today. August 23rd, 2017.

I have an internship I love. I have a fantastic roommate. I have a best friend. I have the right to do anything I want to and I’m enjoying it. I’m trying different and new things. Reading a lot of books. And heading into the past by trying to teach myself computer stuff. I really enjoy it. I’m close with my mom. I have tickets to 4 concerts and I have 2 plane tickets with a 3rd and 4th on the horizon. The universe still gives me clues that I’m on the right path. That’s the thing that keeps me calm and sane. I know I’m on the right path.

I’m really bummed I missed that job opportunity with Bandcamp. I  keep an eye on their jobs page in hopes that one day the browser will provide me with that path that I glimpsed but ended up turning away from. I’m slowly drifting back in that way but it’s a light airy place with no solid ground except for my own two feet and that is a new experience for me. I’m solely dependent and responsible for myself and my decisions. I didn’t know I had been living my life so poorly. I mean I knew. But I didn’t think I would change. I thought life was over. My doctor had said I would be on them for the rest of my life, but as it stands I’ve had one craving and finding 4 opiate pills the other night didn’t even trigger the cravings.

Clearing out my room was an exorcism for me and something that has cleared my head. I have plans through the fall and that makes me happy. I’m not looking really any further then that. I am definitely still falling into old patterns and having issues that have haunted me all my life. But in other ways, I’m completely different. I eat olives. That’s huge. I used to not even want to get near one. I never gagged like an old friend of mine would if they tasted olive juice but it was something I avoided in my diet at all times. I have to buy cans weekly now if that tells you anything. I make my bed every day too. That is another change that is small but definitely noticeable to me in the way my brain is acting. I’m still having issues with words. I’ll get stuck, not able to find the right word for what I want to say. It’s frustrating and not getting any better after 16 months in recovery. I fear that it will stick around and I don’t know how I feel about that. I worry that my friends and acquaintances will judge me as not being as intelligent as I know I am.

I guess I’ll end this with the fact that I do have the story started. It’s just set to publish after court.

I told him I’d leave if he put his hands on me.

August 24, 2017 Posted by | hubby, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things that make you go Hrm

Called about fiber….got a quote..wrote it down..made no sense..didnt schedule..yet cables are coming or are already here? Hrm

Message from phone company saying we have an appointment to have those cables installed..then cuts off before time is said..Hrm

Still following signs. Not sure what to do next. Feeling lost. Grounding took a lot out of me. Don’t know where to go. Pain is bad. Was WELL worth the friendships made today.

I swear I saw a message in the upper right hand corner of my browser the other night, but now I wonder if it was just a bot. I saw a program to write bots. I bet I could teach myself. That’s the plan for the next few resting days that are going to be necessary after my almost 12 hour jaunt into the world. Most of it was spent with kind folk who share similar interests and I’m very glad that we connected. Bedrest, well, chair rest, will be required in order to live. Sleep. Not sure if that is going to happen.

When he read out what he had written for the review describing the limitations I have, it was a swift kick to the gut. A reminder. Today. Asking to use the Elevator at Vista House. It was a huge step for me. I stayed positive and engaged the folks who were helping me out. I tried to ask questions about the beautiful building and they answered with lots of facts and smiles. This is the kind of world I live in right now. I don’t know what to do to bring this little slice of heaven to the rest of the world that’s going through so much. Yes, I have fears. Big ones. He will die within days of not having his medication. I know what it feels like to be without him. Be without him alive. He was without oxygen for 5 minutes. I sat on 911 with the operator pleading with her to make them hurry up. At least that’s what I remember. I remember scary. I remember the spittle. I remember him being stuck. I remember Ty being here. I remember Ty talking to the 25ers. I remember seeing either them compressing his chest, or a shock perhaps? I’m honestly not sure. For a long while, I relived every damn moment, but that has eased as the years have gone by.

Now, it’s my own issues that I’m dealing with. I think I’m learning how to be an adult finally maybe? Only took a zillion years I guess. And a lot of sweat, pain, tears, and hugs and love. Or maybe we don’t ever fully mature into that devil.

Maple gave me a spotify list, with songs and descriptions and I think I just might give a listen to this playlist that I didn’t even have a log in for. If I wasn’t on drugs, I’d be worried that I’m on drugs.

I feel like I’m on Mr. Robot. Or maybe even Black Mirror. Haven’t decided yet, nor will we know for awhile I think.

March 15, 2017 Posted by | death, e-friends, fibromyalgia, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DC++: Bringing the music world to the net legally

Been awhile since Ive thought about my past life. SPent years working on a  community on the software program DC++ where you ran their software, but ran hubs with individual rules separate from the software. Kinda like being a den mother and helping people work the software along with the other troop leaders. And in return you get MUSIC. LOTS AND LOTS of music. See.when you are in pain, you need a LOT of distraction and doing things like making gifs and collecting photos and pleasing others all produce that little thing we call dopamine, or is it serotonin, or maybe epinephrine, we all have one or all working in tandem with each other to help us get through this damn thing we call life. Collecting music which helps me reproduce either memories from concerts I’ve been to or helps to induce new ones, is my drug.

Some of you may be familiar with the name napster. We ran a counter program called shnapster where we traded the compression form SHN with each other via the bittorrent technology. In that time, of unlimited up and downloads you could just endlessly sit on your computer and obsessively collect. Which is what we did. Something that happens in all forms of audio and video these days. An archivist. That’s it. I want to do that. Like Shapiro.

My own harddrive. If I remember correctly I had two. I ran a server actually now that I think about it. He and I had hours to spend and just be together and listen to music. He for his ptsd, me for my fm.

Looks like DC++ just updated perhaps? I can’t seem to find it anywhere. I’m just following along like a dog who’s found a new family. Not necessarily my owner, but a family that loves me none the less. I am not comfortable in their home, but maybe someday? I just got the updated RAM, and now I have to sort out this current mess, but I’m slowly building CM’s collection in my drive. I’m thinking I’ll count it up and figure out h ow much to put into a memory stick. Preserve it. Just in case.

I’ll just keep plugging along and doing what feels right as that seems to be working out well right now.

 

 

March 13, 2017 Posted by | DC++, karma | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stream of consciousness March 2017

Came back haunted..

Thats the best way to describe what’s going on with me. While I still retain a vast majority of my personality there is definitely a darker tinge that I can only recognize from earlier versions of myself. Seeing the path right in front of  me, there are still twists and turns and I am just hanging on for dear life. Some things can be explained. Other things can’t be. I’m flying by the seat of my pants.

I have very little memory of the days beyond thinking my life was over, seeing Ghost, and slowly starting to come back to life. In October I made the brave choice to go see Ghost and that was the first big mountain I climbed. I had a fantastic time. The staff at the Roseland were impeccable and treated me and the love with respect. The cane was a hint perhaps? It’s frustrating that without a visual aid, people just assume you are faking. I look forward to April and view what’s going on right now as a sort of a recharging station. I’m just Telafree 43.2.

The biggest trip the past few months has been the converging realities that are slowly starting to enmesh themselves in a different manifestation then I am used to. I have always believed in following signs, but have spent most of my life ignoring those signs and just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Watching the right movies, buying the right clothes. I sought out love and received that. I would like to take that love and grow something with it. Something that will outlast us. I want to make Ralph and NJ proud of me.

After October and my achievement, I needed another goal. I have learned that I am a goal-oriented person. I need a point A and a point B. I can find my way there, that isn’t the problem. And of course it will not always be this way either. The one thing that isn’t temporary is life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. I’ve seen it with so many people. From grandpa to Sam, to me coming close the first time, my father, my grandmother, I think that’s all for right now, but that’s more then enough. I  have started helping a local charity and even if I only do one hours worth of work, it was worth it to me. What they are doing is important and whether this is a destination or just a stepping stone, I am down one path, but who knows where it will split off, and whether I’m going up, down, left or right.

 

 

 

March 12, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misdiagnosis

So I just found this blog after almost a decade. I have also just recently found out that I was treated for the wrong disease.

How does this make me feel? It makes me feel two different ways. In some ways I feel like an idiot. But in another way, I am thankful that now, now I know what I have to do to deal with the pain that has been a monkey on my back for 15 years.

15 years and I’m still not used to the fact that I am physically unable to do the things that I used to be able to do.

15 years of medication that did nothing.

15 years of thinking my bones would fuse and I would end up with a hump on my back.

Instead, I get pain with no damage.

It’s a double edged sword.

February 27, 2017 Posted by | Misdiagnosis, pain | , , , | Leave a comment