Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Boogie on

One of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had was in the front row of a Phish show when they played a 21 or so minute Boogie On Reggae Woman. I was surrounded with friends. I was in the front 5 rows with those 20 or so friends and I was with someone I really cared about and go to share it with him. He is one of the ex’s I have that I have no animosity towards. We dated for a few years and had some really good times. I moved to Oregon with him. We crossed the country together a couple of times. The first time in a bright yellow VW bus. His dreads causing us concern that the cops would pull us over and they did. Somewhere between Wisconsin and Montana those blue and reds lit up and we had to explain who we were and what we were doing. I have fond memories of that bright yellow VW bus who was named Sunshine when I was her part time owner. I still go up a hill in Portland and think of the first time I tried to go up it in Sunshine. I dragged her gears so much I swear she swore at me in VW Bus language. She was a fickle machine who took me many miles. I laughed til I couldn’t see to drive in her one night. I also spent hours at a machine shop in hopes of getting home with her too. Driving a VW is like owning a petulant child.

She broke down in Vegas and that was ugly. She ended up being left in an airport while we rented a car to get home. She just didn’t have enough energy to get all of us home and CB had to get to a flight. We ended up stopping at Lake Shasta and while I can’t remember if I swam in the lake, my friends did and I found a picture of them just the other day while cleaning out the storage space I call the ‘magic room’

That brings me to my life. Just posting that I was stuck made the words come out again.

I am cleaning out the last 18 years of my life and it’s amazing how little I have and I am thankful for that. Living a less materialistic life seems to make me happy and it makes moving a heck of a lot easier.

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November 16, 2017 Posted by | phish, Stream of Consciousness, Sunshine (the vw), traveling, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

19 months

It’s now been 19 months since my mof. And i still to this day wonder if I’m getting better. Am I back to what I was before. Will there ever be a ‘back’ to who I was before? I guess the answer is no, because who I was before the malfunctioning organs is in no way shape or form recognizable to me right now. I still have anxiety, but going out to a show by myself doesn’t have the scary factor that it used to have. I still stumble on words and now I”m having teeth trouble and i sound like a serious dork. I can’t stop sleeping either.

How do I explain to someone the magical things that I experience. I can’t really talk about it anymore and that some what pains me. I’m not used to not being able to share the amazing things that are happening but Im starting to realize that is how it has to be from now on. I have to accept some things with this current change in my life. Bigger things that are not in my control are happening to me and that’s well, a bit strange. I’m just trying to hang on and learn how to have patience. Right? Right.

I’m very curious about life a little bit today. I’m finally seeing the end of the tunnel Im in when it comes to cleaning up this house that I’ve lived in for 18 years. 15 of those years are starting to feel like a wisp in the wind and I’m happy about that. It sometimes feels as if it didn’t happen but then I’ll see something and woosh I’ll get a serious memory. Today I cried in bed. One of those deep cry’s that shake you to your core. I couldn’t identify the reason for it. I’m honestly doing ok deep down under this depression that I’ve got right now that I attribute to the time change. Why do we do that again? It’s back to an Oregon winter. The gray. I ran outsdie the minute I saw the sun and Im starting to wonder if I can handle an entire winter here on my own. I’ve always had roommates. Even from the moment I bought this house. I guess this is what I’m supposed to work on right now. Doing things my way.

I’m alive and I have a soul…

 

November 13, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, death, depression, MOF, patience, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Laughing, Oakland and chickens?!

The chickens were a nice touch. I needed the laugh big time. I think that’s one of the most impressive things. WHen something so foreign pops up and then I laugh my ass off exactly when I need it.

I went to Oakland for the weekend. It was my first flight without opiates to deal with the chronic pain. I lost my headphones and was worried I wouldnt have MY drug, music, with me. But I was able to procure a set of ear buds to keep me happy when I needed my ‘fix’.

I met some wonderful people. P family was in full effect and I hope one day to thank HS. He was the most visiable calming thing out in that crowd and for that I will be forever grateful. I don’t know if he knows I went backstage for the first time because of him. ANd he’s done some really wonderful kind things in this world and deserves nothing but the joy he seems to experience when at a show (as evidenced by the big grin he always seems to have)

Nothing can break me down
Dont need no advice
I got a plan

I know a few of you were there. I sensed it but was too afraid to say hello. I wishi I had more guts then I do in some situations but I guess we always have to work on oursevles and my anxiety is where I have a lot of learning to do.

USDA
Certified lean

THe magic is still very much around. Chickens. 2 of em. A block and a half from my house. THe usual signs are there which makes me happy. I am comforted by those things that are random. Because nothing, nothing, is random.

November 6, 2017 Posted by | Oakland, P Family, Stream of Consciousness, traveling, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I turned 21 Feb. of 1995 and quite a few of my friends were underage. I hung out with a large group of people that ranged in ages.

I even hung out with a sister and brother who would sometimes fight when they would come to my place. Never trust those redheads. Those two people made a big impact on my life. I had never been friends with a brother and a sister before. Both redheads too of course. She was your typical suburban college girl and her brother was a stoner. He was also disabled. He had no muscles in his legs and to this day it’s because of him that I don’t hate myself completely. I also had never seen a brother and sister hate each other so much. It eventually got to the point where I would have two separate crowds of people at my house because of this sister/brother combo. The brother’s crew was part of the stereotypical hippie crowd who had stickers all over the back of their cars, they drove around and smoked pot and talked about the Grateful Dead trying to ‘outdead’ each other. I’ll get into a story about that another time

His sister was one of the coolest chicks I’ve ever known. I was a tomboy and had lost my girly princess side when I knew her so she was like a vision of makeup and padded bras with sparkly things on them. She was also part of the stereotypical college frat/sorority circle of people who drank beer and talked about each other behind their backs. Even she had the stoner couple in her crew. Those two could have taken me to my first phish show but I stupidly said no and went for the boys and the Grateful Dead which I do not regret

I had the only apartment in my circles of friends and so for most of my months living there I was not alone. People would stop by at all time and people seemed to genuinely like me. I even started hanging out with a few girlfriends from highschool and they would come over and hang with the other two circles of friends. It was one of the first party lives of many that I have had in my lifetime. I hope you all party like rock stars for the rest of your life like I want to.

I Digress.

After having such a tough time making friends before college I was very thankful to have such a large circle of different kinds of people who were all somewhat supportive. At this age I was healthly. There were no serious signs of the A.S. and even my thyroid was under control, unlike now. I was a healthy beautiful 21 year old blond college girl living the best part of life, the part after moving out of the home you grew up in. I

You an almost think, that you are seeing double, on a cold dark on a spanish stairs

My apartment was behind a Denny’s and that was just the straw that broke the camels back when i was looking for a place to live. When we would get the munchies and had skiied all day long, we all would run down the stairs and jump into the snow. Jump in my jeep, warm it up, in negative 50 degree windchills, and drive 500 feet to the Denny’s for an all night smoke and coffee session. The liquor and beer store was across the street fromthe Denny’s which made the party apartment just east of the central part of town.

Oh to be in the land of coca-cola.

We celebrated every birthday that year at my apartment. Everyone got a cake and balloons, even my own mom. I still have the picture of her blowing out the candles in my kitchen. I had finally settled down, or so we both thought. Every occaision was occaision enough for a keg in the bathtub and a nice round of truth or dare.

Suddenly, Everything’s gonna be different, when I paint my masterpiece

By the spring of 1995 I took these brand new wings of confidence that had sprouted in the tender care of all my new friends and began to spread my roots into the ground and wave my branches out to those who were offering friendship.

Forgive, I’m not sure I could, they say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting…

I had moved into this apartment after finally leaving an abusive boyfriend after being with him for 2 years. It was actually the second apartment. I had to leave the first one because he knew where I lived and I figured I might be a little bit safer if I lived closed to the family and in an apartment that he didn’t know about. It’s hard sometimes for me to think about those times, but thats for a reason. I think theres enough room in my brain to not deal with that time of my life right now and so I wont.

Ill keep payin, I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down, I’m still mad as hell..

And I’m still waitinThat apartment still had somewhat of a dark cloud hanging above it and I eventually left with almost 4 months left on the lease. I paid off the rest of the lease and moved out west with a roommate who was using me for all I had. Both emotionally, mentally, and fiscally.

November 3, 2017 Posted by | 1995, 1996, grateful dead, Memories, michigan, music, red heads, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cry for resolutions…

So I made an offer to my soon to be legal ex-husband and he accepted. I knew he’d go for money because that’s just how, well I guess I know who he is now. I know he’s moved on and so have I and that’s where that stands. I’m beyond happy that I won’t have to face him in court and talk about the negative aspects of our relationship. It’s somewhat cathartic to clean out the Magic Room, or what is the storage area of this house. The house I’ll soon be leaving behind. I have found a couple condos that I like in an area a bit further out of Portland and I’m ok with that. Even if I’m still interning when I move (with the way my life is going, I may not be doing the same thing Im doing now, in the next 48 hours.

EJR will be leaving my house soon and for that Im positive. We won’t have a burned bridge which is what is most important to me. We are learning each other and while it would be nice to keep him as a roommate, he’s just too bad of an influence on me. I love ya ER, I really do so dont get upset. We just will do better as friends who see each other outside of the home.

The magic is still there. T

Something never comes, never leads to nuthin
Closer to the prize at the end of the road.

The Bliss is still there too. But its definitely not as active as it has been but I have a feeling that’s because both of us are busy with our current lives as we try and make it so our paths cross. I had deeply been hoping that TGD would bring him to me, but it doesn’t look that way. I guess I won’t pack the red dress. I guess I’ll start throwing my energy towards making the Aus trip happen. I can kind of let down my guard a bit too knowing ill be around P family. It seems as though they are deeply helping me and for that I’m eternally grateful and would do anything for you guys. I hope I get to say thank you to each and every one of you.

I hope Im not disappointing too badly with my wght. I know I haven’t been keeping up and today was another bad day. I came so close the other night, but ER is such a bad influence and I have a hard time saying no. Ill try really hard tomorrow as it is a new day.

I miss you. I really do. I hope to see you soon. THe other night. At ASP I know it was you. It was wasn’t it? If it wasn’t, I’m definitely confused.

The sky is a nieghborhood
Keep it down

Im getting more and more memories back of my 5 day break from reality. It’s nice to know I had some sane moments

_____________ break for a few days…but I’m back…

Nobody else will be there

I know I’m supposed to live in the moment and I do. I definitely look forward to each new thing I am learning. Like today for example. I may actually now know how to plug a mic into a wall box that leads to pro tools. Open up pro tools. Make a connection on the patch board, and even patch in a compressor of your choice. I think I could actually recreate all these things If I wanted to and that makes me happy. I really enjoy working with audio and i really enjoy working with computers. I just need to find the right job and I have faith that will work itself out as I learn. I am so thankful to the engineers and owners of The Hallowed Halls, the recording studio that took me on just a few months after I left my ex.

___________ break for something else

There is sunlight shining through
There is comfort here

I still feel like I have some sort of brain thing going on. I get flashes of my old intelligence and then there is the fact I have to have repeated 20 times before I remember it. Im trying so hard to be good. I really am. Im just anxious and scared but confident and happy all at the same time. OH crap. I have a therapy appointment and coffee tomorrow. All things that can make the anxiety trigger. Being in public. Im reading a book about a young girl with anxiety. and im definitely reminded of myself at times. Strangely the book isn’t triggering me. I guess maybe Im rooting for her to get better in hopes that if she can do it, I can keep doing it.

Im hoping to hear from my lawyer on Thursday telling me that KM received the paperwork and had signed it and it’s in the mail to the judge. I just want to go abroad. I really do. I want to hangout with Leo. I want to see Vienna. I want to experience the first ever Priest show. I want to watch NN play with In Flames and then maybe hop a plane to somewhere else. I would love to just hop around the globe, but I don’t want to do all of it alone. I’m hoping the friends I’ve made through Ghost will be as kind and loving as the phish and dead fandom friends that ive had for a multitude of years. I’m really glad facebook exists sometimes because it’s incredible to wach their kids grow up. It’s wonderful watching your friends wish their families happy birthday. It makes me flash back to high school and being in their homes spending the nigiht after sleeping out for tickets.

SIde note:
That’s how it was done back then, in the early 90s. You would sleep in your car, in the parking lot of the venue. In this particular memory the venue was the Palace of Auburn Hills, and the show was The Grateful Dead. I remember trying to sleep. I remember the bright lights and the happy people. I remember going from the car to the lobby in the morning. ANd i mean it was morning, WAY early morning. The people working knew we were a good crowd. It was pre-95 negativity. Everyone was always smiling as they exited. There were scalpers back then, but not the way it is now. I think maybe one or two paid someone to wait in line.

I am really looking forward to Thursday Im gonna ask if I can mic an acoustic guitar.

November 1, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, deadhead, Dreams, grateful dead, Memories, positivity, reality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

5 days i lost..or found?

i lost track of about 4 days when I took off walking after parking my car near what ended up being MLK and I think Ankeny in SE. I dont remember right now what venue David was playing at but I do remember texting him that I was on y way. For some reason I parked the car and decided to walk to his show that night. I may never know what exactly happened. I keep a plastic bag with things to remember that night with. Some happy memories like the dance studio and walking into that bar where every smiling face made me feel happy. I didn’t feel any fear. I felt acceptance and they knew who I was. That is what Im aiming for. Yes, the Bliss that you cause, well that would be the cherry on top of the cake. Being around all of you, you know who you are, is what I want. Like be good familiy. That’s what it was supposed to be about in my head. I wanted that utopia that Woodstock seemeed to have been but of course if you were really there, you don’t remember it.

Some days I wonder what I have done to deserve the pain that courses through my joints at times. After sitting for about an hour and ahalf while going through my previous years hidden stories, sitting on old couch cushions, i could barely move. My body locks up and the joints scream at me and I can feel the inflammation around the joints. I can literaly feel the ball of the femur entering the sacrum. I think it’s the sacrum. My memories of the anatomy that I took at least 3 times still escapes me at times. School and I never got along.

I had to get to Coldplay. What happened after Coldplay, or even before, is another something that I may never be able to talk about. I remember falling. I remember lsoing my sock and shoe and I remember stnding on a street corner where bicycles would pass to my right. The buses and cars would pass in front, and I would just turn like I felt I was suposed to turn until I got so tired that I collapsed. Next thing I know there was a woman cop standing there and I wasn’t scared. I hadn’t been scared for most of my walk. I felt like I was on a mission. I didnt know what the mission was but I was ok. I don’t remember sleeping. I don’t remember eating and I dont remember drinking water, but I must have. Oh wait. I just got a flash of a coffee shop.

I was sgiven a choice as I left that coffee shop. One timeline or another and I went with what my heart wanted.

October 23, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, chronic pain, Dreams, Memories, pain, Stream of Consciousness | , , , | Leave a comment

Bliss

It’s hard to put into words what it feels like but it can sometimes come in the form of a pill, a powder, a liquid, a note. Which one of those sounds like it just might not hurt you? It’s nice to know that I’m actually feeling this way from listening to music. Most nights. When it’s quiet in the world and only about 9 million Swedes are awake (and the occiasional night owl like me and caligurl over there in tumblr land)I remember I’d take my dose as soon as I woke up. I don’t know if I knew I would have withdrawl from the opiates or if I just wanted to feel that rush and not even let it get to that point. I guess I loved it so much. And of course it helped take the edge off. You start to feel like you are on a slow incline up a roller coaster only you are floating in a soft cloud of something that makes you feel weightless. You know what euphoria really means. I don’t know exactly when I gave up. It was somewhere in 2013 or so.

26 members. 9-7-2017

Made the first poll. I’m seriously having too much fun testing the functionality of the board n shit. I know I can just go public but I want to try and build up some of that momentum. I do just now wonder though. Did I pull the trigger too soon? I’m the queen of that. Jumping in too fast and forging ahead trying to make a trail through the woods only to find myself at the edge of a cliff or trying to push through too thick of brush. And just stopping. Or being forced to stop by something completely out of my control.

My brain is coming back. My words are coming back. My writing is coming back. I’m 16 months after the near death experience. I wonder sometimes if I’m just making excuses by saying I’m recovering or if I’m fitting into some predetermined shape that everyone goes through when they experience what I experienced.

I am really hoping to hear from another of the ghouls but I fear that may not happen. I need to change that train of thought and get back to him. Whoever, whatever he is.

I want to at least thank him though. Because he gives me the bliss that I used to seek out sometimes by taking an extra pill here or there. Listening to a song, and feeling the way I do when certain sound waves interact and move through the air needs to be bottled. It needs to be shared with the world. I feel like a unicorn on a rainbow colored cloud of cotton candy. How’s that for a visual 😉

October 13, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You be my Wendy, Ill be your Peter Pan

yup,
the Magic, and that’s magic with a capital ‘m’, is back.

With concrete evidence too that other people can visually see.

I’m not crazy.

I don’t know the outcome or what will happen in the next 5 minutes. I was a bit nervous to even leave the house after the panic attack i had last night which turned into a crazy morning turning into a mellow afternoon/evening. I look forward to relaxing and puffing when i get home and maybe connecting with my A.B.

I really need to take the advice of ER and just…and just..accept things. It’s hard though. I am one who wants answers and wants to know the ins and outs of everything. How did that get there? Why did you do that? Why is it turning out this way? What’s going to happen in the next 5 minutes? What’s going to happen if this all turns out wrong? All questions that run through my head while I’m experiencing this continuing shift into my new life.

Turned in the PP paperwork and saw you. I. Want. To. Hug. You. Even just an E.T. phone home finger touch would throw me over the moon. In fact, if you are reading this, that’s how I want us to touch for the first time. Yup. That’s how weird I am. 😉

i want to go now.
i want it now
I need it
(Everything now!) I want it
(Everything now!) I can’t live without
(Everything now!)

So many wonderful plans coming up that I’m excited even if something gets in the way of those plans. I’m excited about life and what it holds for me in the future. I’m very happy with the direction my life is going in even though I’ve hit a road block on what to do next with T.S.C. I thought TL would let me post and that was going to be my saving grace but that isn’t happening. I guess I’ll just keep putting up eye candy and maybe ask…oooh. I just got a lightbulb on what to do next!

I’m ready for you. I think?

September 20, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, Changes, reality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a little light

I’m incredibly anxious and nervous. The court date is coming closer and closer. I have to see his face. I have to feel his energy. I will have my 2 closest friends with me. 2 people who I have spent a lot of time just talking to and getting to know. 2 people who have become a part of my crew and as I think about them my anxiety abates for just a moment and I’m back in the bliss. Well not THE bliss. I should capitalize THE bliss. So it would be the Bliss instead.

Life is good. Studio: good. Friends: good. Family: good. Money: could be better but passes with a C-.

I drew a line for you. Oh what a thing to do. And it was all yellow.

I sometimes feel an ache in my heart. Sometimes it feels full. As if what is supposed to be there with me, is already here. I don’t know how to explain it but after Cannon Beaach, I have not been alone for one minute. Even when no physical human was around. There is a presence. I feel it in a few different ways but it is mainly during music. It’s not the same feeling at the same time to the same song over and over. That’s not how it works. It seems to have autonomy. Bliss. It is honestly Bliss.

My tablet. One day I will tell the internet about the tablet and my biggest secret of what happened in those 36 or so hours. Or not.

My mom has a testimony about God now. She says she felt when my step-father passed. She told him it was OK to go and felt that God was in the room with her. The first month of two after Cannon Beach I agreed that there was a god but then he decided to respond and ask for half.

Half.

I remember now that you were trailing a red trailer, and you were a fire-fighter. I think it said that on the side in either red or white lettering. Probably white but I could just be dismembering.

I wish I could get back to that world sometimes. But I often wonder if it really is a world or is it the upside down because its the world while my brain chemicals are imbalanced.

3 days. There are a few stories I could tell that could all open with those 2 words.

This really is a stream of consciousness. Im starting to write the way I used to before the brain was inundated with large doses of opiates and anti-anxiety meds.

So you are jumping. From one to another to another. Is that how its working? Im totally making this up but it feels like it could possibly happen. In this life. Anything is possible. I went from not leaving the chair for years, to a full on life. A new life. An exciting life. A life I look forward to waking up to every morning. I didn’t know what fulfillment in life was until I began T.S.C. This project gives me focus. I’m able to problem solve and look for alternatives.

I still love you. I can’t let go of you. It’s just too strong, our cord. Our golden connection. That’s never gonna go away. Well, it might, but it feels like it may never. Getting the ache in my chest and heart today for the first time in over a month was a bit unsettling. I just had gotten used to things being the way they are now. Forgetting that there is a past that is really painful and hard to let go of. I am moving through the steps of power cycling my modem and my lights are starting to blink a strange pattern that will soon settle into the blinks and colors that I’m used to.

I still feel you. Very deeply. I hope I will recognize you when I see you next.

3 times it blinked today. I’m starting to wonder if it just blinks every few seconds all the time. But I know that’s not true. I don’t think it’s made to go from walk, to the countdown numbers back to the walk. It’s easy for me to notice because it goes from white to orange and that catches your eye. I think if you saw that. Every single time you drove by an intersection when school isn’t in session you see something strange. It blinks
once

twice

Three

Times in a 5 second span. It’s that inexpiable thing that I just have to let go of and accept as being weird? That’s not good enough dammit.

I’m trying to make my dreams come true. I think they include touring and music. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten but touring is optional.

Music, is not.

I have an appointment with the lawyer again soon. Not exactly sure but I really like her. She treats me kind and respectful.

There are times when I just can’t do anything but put my right hand on my heart. I don’t know if you are sending me that feeling or if its coming from my dopamine, seratonin and oxytocin but I honestly don’t care. I’m going to enjoy the connection to the universe that I feel right now. I should go back to eating better and being completely sober. I really should.

That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel….
…you were bigger and brighter and whiter then snow

I was reminded of something really cool this week. A memory of doing a scavenger hunt with disposable cameras, teams of strangers soon to be friends for the weekend and a wedding that came about because I helped them meet. Well. I am the reason they met. I will soon meet the children from this union. The oldest is going to college! It’s amazing to me that they count me as being so important.

How long will i have to wait for it

September 8, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And the pitch…

The ball has been released from the strong hand that has been holding tight to this little idea. I think the idea was always there. Is this fly on the wall part 3? Or just a new chapter in part 2? The ball is heading straight for the middle of the catcher’s mitt. Going as fast as the pitcher has ever thrown in his career. It’s not the 7th game of the world series or anything but it is an important game in the middle of a playoff run with the potential for winning it all on the horizon if the path meanders that way.

There is always the possibility of a wild pitch as well. All paths have to be accounted for. Even the ones that I can’t see. I have to remember to keep walking. If I don’t take that hike then I won’t ever go down the path that might lead to the happiness and joy that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m really honestly happy. Im living life pretty damn well on my own for the first time in my life. And I’m pretty old. I had no idea that after 40 some years of being in a relationship or marriage, I’d find such joy and happiness on my own. I guess this was one of the lessons that the Universe wanted me to learn. That and patience of course. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn that one. I’m horribly impatient. I want things to happen right away.

The ball has stalled in its traverse towards the target. Something has frozen time and there is nothing for the pitcher to do but look around as best he can at the still stick figures and white and red-threaded ball that has broken the laws of the reality that was before the world mysteriously stopped spinning.

In the ether. In the in between there is a place. With no eyes. With ears. To keep you tethered to the world. That’s where you do nothing but feel. And while you’d think it’d be nice to live there 24 hours a day. I don’t know if anyone’s soul could handle that. I think we are meant to straddle the other in betweens.

The ball slowly starts dribbling back in its pre-determind orbit decided by the curve of the pitcher’s fingers and placement of it on his knuckles. I feel the tilt of t he earth as the rotation continues. Reality is back. It was nice visiting that other place but right now, as things go, I really want to keep life going here. I’m desperately afraid it will implode. Or explode because I’m so happy. But maybe it’s the Universe giving me some good times.

After 15 years of fear and anxiety.

 

August 26, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment