Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Cry for resolutions…

So I made an offer to my soon to be legal ex-husband and he accepted. I knew he’d go for money because that’s just how, well I guess I know who he is now. I know he’s moved on and so have I and that’s where that stands. I’m beyond happy that I won’t have to face him in court and talk about the negative aspects of our relationship. It’s somewhat cathartic to clean out the Magic Room, or what is the storage area of this house. The house I’ll soon be leaving behind. I have found a couple condos that I like in an area a bit further out of Portland and I’m ok with that. Even if I’m still interning when I move (with the way my life is going, I may not be doing the same thing Im doing now, in the next 48 hours.

EJR will be leaving my house soon and for that Im positive. We won’t have a burned bridge which is what is most important to me. We are learning each other and while it would be nice to keep him as a roommate, he’s just too bad of an influence on me. I love ya ER, I really do so dont get upset. We just will do better as friends who see each other outside of the home.

The magic is still there. T

Something never comes, never leads to nuthin
Closer to the prize at the end of the road.

The Bliss is still there too. But its definitely not as active as it has been but I have a feeling that’s because both of us are busy with our current lives as we try and make it so our paths cross. I had deeply been hoping that TGD would bring him to me, but it doesn’t look that way. I guess I won’t pack the red dress. I guess I’ll start throwing my energy towards making the Aus trip happen. I can kind of let down my guard a bit too knowing ill be around P family. It seems as though they are deeply helping me and for that I’m eternally grateful and would do anything for you guys. I hope I get to say thank you to each and every one of you.

I hope Im not disappointing too badly with my wght. I know I haven’t been keeping up and today was another bad day. I came so close the other night, but ER is such a bad influence and I have a hard time saying no. Ill try really hard tomorrow as it is a new day.

I miss you. I really do. I hope to see you soon. THe other night. At ASP I know it was you. It was wasn’t it? If it wasn’t, I’m definitely confused.

The sky is a nieghborhood
Keep it down

Im getting more and more memories back of my 5 day break from reality. It’s nice to know I had some sane moments

_____________ break for a few days…but I’m back…

Nobody else will be there

I know I’m supposed to live in the moment and I do. I definitely look forward to each new thing I am learning. Like today for example. I may actually now know how to plug a mic into a wall box that leads to pro tools. Open up pro tools. Make a connection on the patch board, and even patch in a compressor of your choice. I think I could actually recreate all these things If I wanted to and that makes me happy. I really enjoy working with audio and i really enjoy working with computers. I just need to find the right job and I have faith that will work itself out as I learn. I am so thankful to the engineers and owners of The Hallowed Halls, the recording studio that took me on just a few months after I left my ex.

___________ break for something else

There is sunlight shining through
There is comfort here

I still feel like I have some sort of brain thing going on. I get flashes of my old intelligence and then there is the fact I have to have repeated 20 times before I remember it. Im trying so hard to be good. I really am. Im just anxious and scared but confident and happy all at the same time. OH crap. I have a therapy appointment and coffee tomorrow. All things that can make the anxiety trigger. Being in public. Im reading a book about a young girl with anxiety. and im definitely reminded of myself at times. Strangely the book isn’t triggering me. I guess maybe Im rooting for her to get better in hopes that if she can do it, I can keep doing it.

Im hoping to hear from my lawyer on Thursday telling me that KM received the paperwork and had signed it and it’s in the mail to the judge. I just want to go abroad. I really do. I want to hangout with Leo. I want to see Vienna. I want to experience the first ever Priest show. I want to watch NN play with In Flames and then maybe hop a plane to somewhere else. I would love to just hop around the globe, but I don’t want to do all of it alone. I’m hoping the friends I’ve made through Ghost will be as kind and loving as the phish and dead fandom friends that ive had for a multitude of years. I’m really glad facebook exists sometimes because it’s incredible to wach their kids grow up. It’s wonderful watching your friends wish their families happy birthday. It makes me flash back to high school and being in their homes spending the nigiht after sleeping out for tickets.

SIde note:
That’s how it was done back then, in the early 90s. You would sleep in your car, in the parking lot of the venue. In this particular memory the venue was the Palace of Auburn Hills, and the show was The Grateful Dead. I remember trying to sleep. I remember the bright lights and the happy people. I remember going from the car to the lobby in the morning. ANd i mean it was morning, WAY early morning. The people working knew we were a good crowd. It was pre-95 negativity. Everyone was always smiling as they exited. There were scalpers back then, but not the way it is now. I think maybe one or two paid someone to wait in line.

I am really looking forward to Thursday Im gonna ask if I can mic an acoustic guitar.

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November 1, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, deadhead, Dreams, grateful dead, Memories, positivity, reality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment