Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Too in love to let it show
if you never try
youll never know
just what you’re worth

Lgihts are supposed to guide me home. I know this but I’ve got so many things going on in my brain that I’m trying to handle that things kinda get thrown to the wayside. Coldplay always seems to ground me. I wonder does music affect YOU this way? Do YOU ever feel like it’s there to support you and get you through what you are going through right now at THAT exact moment. The music brings you the emotions that you’d feel if you were in a room full of people hearing and experiencing their own realities but you are all there at one time creating energy that is positive. All set to music that we can listen to as many times as we want and recall that memory. Recall that energy. I live for music. I really do. I exist to go to see live music. At least at the live concert it’s positive. When you are alone it can be different because you can experience emotions privately and cry your eyes our if it’s just one of those days. Im

I’m definitely learning a lot about life right now. I’m learning about nutrition. I’m trying to exercise. That’s a hard one because of the pain cycle that I get stuck in. I will hurt from sleeping, or sitting, or any of those activities that sets me off and it will hurt so bad I dont want to move. But that not moving makes the pain worse. Sometimes even moving makes the pain worse. But there is no difference between the pain on the opiates and the pain off the opiates. There are a shit ton of positives though and I wouldnt p ut myself back on those drugs if you paid me. I am so much happier now. I still wonder what kinds of damage my brain has, but I have hope.

I read recently that they observed a 72 year old man making huge changes to the pathways in his brain. They had previously thought that stopped when we were infants. That gives me hope that whatever the drugs may have done to me, I might be able to get it back. Im defnitely having small issues at recalling certain words but I feel I may have crossed a bridge recently because my writing seems to have changed even. Maybe it’s because I’m puffing.

THe anxiety is lessened. The stress has lessened. The excitement’s (believe) levels are high. Less then 24 hours and I’ll be on a plane heading to Cali. Im going on a trip again. This is what I save every penny for. Well ok, I got help on this one. Thanks for the ticket mom!!! Love you!

I will soon be traipsing around a city ive never been in. Something that I’ve enjoyed since I hit my early 20s. Life is an adventure. Such a cheesy line and saying but it really is true.

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November 3, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, believe, california, chronic pain, mom, Trey, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bliss

It’s hard to put into words what it feels like but it can sometimes come in the form of a pill, a powder, a liquid, a note. Which one of those sounds like it just might not hurt you? It’s nice to know that I’m actually feeling this way from listening to music. Most nights. When it’s quiet in the world and only about 9 million Swedes are awake (and the occiasional night owl like me and caligurl over there in tumblr land)I remember I’d take my dose as soon as I woke up. I don’t know if I knew I would have withdrawl from the opiates or if I just wanted to feel that rush and not even let it get to that point. I guess I loved it so much. And of course it helped take the edge off. You start to feel like you are on a slow incline up a roller coaster only you are floating in a soft cloud of something that makes you feel weightless. You know what euphoria really means. I don’t know exactly when I gave up. It was somewhere in 2013 or so.

26 members. 9-7-2017

Made the first poll. I’m seriously having too much fun testing the functionality of the board n shit. I know I can just go public but I want to try and build up some of that momentum. I do just now wonder though. Did I pull the trigger too soon? I’m the queen of that. Jumping in too fast and forging ahead trying to make a trail through the woods only to find myself at the edge of a cliff or trying to push through too thick of brush. And just stopping. Or being forced to stop by something completely out of my control.

My brain is coming back. My words are coming back. My writing is coming back. I’m 16 months after the near death experience. I wonder sometimes if I’m just making excuses by saying I’m recovering or if I’m fitting into some predetermined shape that everyone goes through when they experience what I experienced.

I am really hoping to hear from another of the ghouls but I fear that may not happen. I need to change that train of thought and get back to him. Whoever, whatever he is.

I want to at least thank him though. Because he gives me the bliss that I used to seek out sometimes by taking an extra pill here or there. Listening to a song, and feeling the way I do when certain sound waves interact and move through the air needs to be bottled. It needs to be shared with the world. I feel like a unicorn on a rainbow colored cloud of cotton candy. How’s that for a visual 😉

October 13, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a little light

I’m incredibly anxious and nervous. The court date is coming closer and closer. I have to see his face. I have to feel his energy. I will have my 2 closest friends with me. 2 people who I have spent a lot of time just talking to and getting to know. 2 people who have become a part of my crew and as I think about them my anxiety abates for just a moment and I’m back in the bliss. Well not THE bliss. I should capitalize THE bliss. So it would be the Bliss instead.

Life is good. Studio: good. Friends: good. Family: good. Money: could be better but passes with a C-.

I drew a line for you. Oh what a thing to do. And it was all yellow.

I sometimes feel an ache in my heart. Sometimes it feels full. As if what is supposed to be there with me, is already here. I don’t know how to explain it but after Cannon Beaach, I have not been alone for one minute. Even when no physical human was around. There is a presence. I feel it in a few different ways but it is mainly during music. It’s not the same feeling at the same time to the same song over and over. That’s not how it works. It seems to have autonomy. Bliss. It is honestly Bliss.

My tablet. One day I will tell the internet about the tablet and my biggest secret of what happened in those 36 or so hours. Or not.

My mom has a testimony about God now. She says she felt when my step-father passed. She told him it was OK to go and felt that God was in the room with her. The first month of two after Cannon Beach I agreed that there was a god but then he decided to respond and ask for half.

Half.

I remember now that you were trailing a red trailer, and you were a fire-fighter. I think it said that on the side in either red or white lettering. Probably white but I could just be dismembering.

I wish I could get back to that world sometimes. But I often wonder if it really is a world or is it the upside down because its the world while my brain chemicals are imbalanced.

3 days. There are a few stories I could tell that could all open with those 2 words.

This really is a stream of consciousness. Im starting to write the way I used to before the brain was inundated with large doses of opiates and anti-anxiety meds.

So you are jumping. From one to another to another. Is that how its working? Im totally making this up but it feels like it could possibly happen. In this life. Anything is possible. I went from not leaving the chair for years, to a full on life. A new life. An exciting life. A life I look forward to waking up to every morning. I didn’t know what fulfillment in life was until I began T.S.C. This project gives me focus. I’m able to problem solve and look for alternatives.

I still love you. I can’t let go of you. It’s just too strong, our cord. Our golden connection. That’s never gonna go away. Well, it might, but it feels like it may never. Getting the ache in my chest and heart today for the first time in over a month was a bit unsettling. I just had gotten used to things being the way they are now. Forgetting that there is a past that is really painful and hard to let go of. I am moving through the steps of power cycling my modem and my lights are starting to blink a strange pattern that will soon settle into the blinks and colors that I’m used to.

I still feel you. Very deeply. I hope I will recognize you when I see you next.

3 times it blinked today. I’m starting to wonder if it just blinks every few seconds all the time. But I know that’s not true. I don’t think it’s made to go from walk, to the countdown numbers back to the walk. It’s easy for me to notice because it goes from white to orange and that catches your eye. I think if you saw that. Every single time you drove by an intersection when school isn’t in session you see something strange. It blinks
once

twice

Three

Times in a 5 second span. It’s that inexpiable thing that I just have to let go of and accept as being weird? That’s not good enough dammit.

I’m trying to make my dreams come true. I think they include touring and music. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten but touring is optional.

Music, is not.

I have an appointment with the lawyer again soon. Not exactly sure but I really like her. She treats me kind and respectful.

There are times when I just can’t do anything but put my right hand on my heart. I don’t know if you are sending me that feeling or if its coming from my dopamine, seratonin and oxytocin but I honestly don’t care. I’m going to enjoy the connection to the universe that I feel right now. I should go back to eating better and being completely sober. I really should.

That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel….
…you were bigger and brighter and whiter then snow

I was reminded of something really cool this week. A memory of doing a scavenger hunt with disposable cameras, teams of strangers soon to be friends for the weekend and a wedding that came about because I helped them meet. Well. I am the reason they met. I will soon meet the children from this union. The oldest is going to college! It’s amazing to me that they count me as being so important.

How long will i have to wait for it

September 8, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

4 months , 16 days

I said I couldn’t wait til the good parts. Well. They arrived and I’m writing about it today. August 23rd, 2017.

I have an internship I love. I have a fantastic roommate. I have a best friend. I have the right to do anything I want to and I’m enjoying it. I’m trying different and new things. Reading a lot of books. And heading into the past by trying to teach myself computer stuff. I really enjoy it. I’m close with my mom. I have tickets to 4 concerts and I have 2 plane tickets with a 3rd and 4th on the horizon. The universe still gives me clues that I’m on the right path. That’s the thing that keeps me calm and sane. I know I’m on the right path.

I’m really bummed I missed that job opportunity with Bandcamp. I  keep an eye on their jobs page in hopes that one day the browser will provide me with that path that I glimpsed but ended up turning away from. I’m slowly drifting back in that way but it’s a light airy place with no solid ground except for my own two feet and that is a new experience for me. I’m solely dependent and responsible for myself and my decisions. I didn’t know I had been living my life so poorly. I mean I knew. But I didn’t think I would change. I thought life was over. My doctor had said I would be on them for the rest of my life, but as it stands I’ve had one craving and finding 4 opiate pills the other night didn’t even trigger the cravings.

Clearing out my room was an exorcism for me and something that has cleared my head. I have plans through the fall and that makes me happy. I’m not looking really any further then that. I am definitely still falling into old patterns and having issues that have haunted me all my life. But in other ways, I’m completely different. I eat olives. That’s huge. I used to not even want to get near one. I never gagged like an old friend of mine would if they tasted olive juice but it was something I avoided in my diet at all times. I have to buy cans weekly now if that tells you anything. I make my bed every day too. That is another change that is small but definitely noticeable to me in the way my brain is acting. I’m still having issues with words. I’ll get stuck, not able to find the right word for what I want to say. It’s frustrating and not getting any better after 16 months in recovery. I fear that it will stick around and I don’t know how I feel about that. I worry that my friends and acquaintances will judge me as not being as intelligent as I know I am.

I guess I’ll end this with the fact that I do have the story started. It’s just set to publish after court.

I told him I’d leave if he put his hands on me.

August 24, 2017 Posted by | hubby, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment