Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

5 days i lost..or found?

i lost track of about 4 days when I took off walking after parking my car near what ended up being MLK and I think Ankeny in SE. I dont remember right now what venue David was playing at but I do remember texting him that I was on y way. For some reason I parked the car and decided to walk to his show that night. I may never know what exactly happened. I keep a plastic bag with things to remember that night with. Some happy memories like the dance studio and walking into that bar where every smiling face made me feel happy. I didn’t feel any fear. I felt acceptance and they knew who I was. That is what Im aiming for. Yes, the Bliss that you cause, well that would be the cherry on top of the cake. Being around all of you, you know who you are, is what I want. Like be good familiy. That’s what it was supposed to be about in my head. I wanted that utopia that Woodstock seemeed to have been but of course if you were really there, you don’t remember it.

Some days I wonder what I have done to deserve the pain that courses through my joints at times. After sitting for about an hour and ahalf while going through my previous years hidden stories, sitting on old couch cushions, i could barely move. My body locks up and the joints scream at me and I can feel the inflammation around the joints. I can literaly feel the ball of the femur entering the sacrum. I think it’s the sacrum. My memories of the anatomy that I took at least 3 times still escapes me at times. School and I never got along.

I had to get to Coldplay. What happened after Coldplay, or even before, is another something that I may never be able to talk about. I remember falling. I remember lsoing my sock and shoe and I remember stnding on a street corner where bicycles would pass to my right. The buses and cars would pass in front, and I would just turn like I felt I was suposed to turn until I got so tired that I collapsed. Next thing I know there was a woman cop standing there and I wasn’t scared. I hadn’t been scared for most of my walk. I felt like I was on a mission. I didnt know what the mission was but I was ok. I don’t remember sleeping. I don’t remember eating and I dont remember drinking water, but I must have. Oh wait. I just got a flash of a coffee shop.

I was sgiven a choice as I left that coffee shop. One timeline or another and I went with what my heart wanted.

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October 23, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, chronic pain, Dreams, Memories, pain, Stream of Consciousness | , , , | Leave a comment