Esther Tela Free speaks

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I spent 7 days in the hospital. 3 of them in the ICU. I had a tube down my throat and was given narcan to combat the opiate withdrawal I had to go through to put me on the road to recovery. As the fourth day came around. I was somewhat used to the early morning intrusions to both my skin and my sleep. Late morning rolled around and the physical therapist came by. She wanted me to walk down the hall. I was on oxygen thanks to the respiratory failure caused by what I guess is the liver failing to clean out the opiates on my system so  depressed my breathing. I expected to have no problem walking but as the woman pulled the portable oxygen tank around to my right side, I swung my legs around and slowly put weight on them. It was a shocking surprise to find myself very weak and scared at the same time. I stood up, wobbled a bit, and gathered myself to make that first walk. Before this hospital stay, I walked from my bed, to the chair, and to the bathroom and that’s it for the day. I couldn’t draw those clocks. I was fucked for the rest of my life I had thought. But getting clear if those opiates, I knew immediately that I had a second chance (or is this the second?). I walked about halfway down the hallway, turned around and walked as strongly as I could and when back at my room, I collapsed in the bed in relief. This was going to be hard.

The day passed and so did another one. Mentally I was recovering faster thaen physically. I had been misdiagnosed with an auto immune disease and treated with steroids, nsaids and opiate pain medications.

I woke up on that last day in the hospital knowing that it would be my last day. I had been on furosemide to help flush out my kidneys after they failed and was finally off of them. They are not a fun drug. They make you urinate numerous times an hour, but is necessary if certain organs aren’t working correctly. My last dose had been the day before and my last test would be to do the stairs. I’ll admit it now. I was scared to death to attempt them. I was not only weak from the 6 days in the hospital, which causes you to lose a large percentage of your muscles, but I was recovering from years of complete inactivity due to weight gain, depression and anxiety. Along with having to try and walk and climb stairs, I had to work out a plan to get durable medical equipment from a company somewhere in the city,

April 5, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, death, fibromyalgia, Memories, Misdiagnosis, MOF, pain, sickness | , , , | Leave a comment

Things that make you go Hrm

Called about fiber….got a quote..wrote it down..made no sense..didnt schedule..yet cables are coming or are already here? Hrm

Message from phone company saying we have an appointment to have those cables installed..then cuts off before time is said..Hrm

Still following signs. Not sure what to do next. Feeling lost. Grounding took a lot out of me. Don’t know where to go. Pain is bad. Was WELL worth the friendships made today.

I swear I saw a message in the upper right hand corner of my browser the other night, but now I wonder if it was just a bot. I saw a program to write bots. I bet I could teach myself. That’s the plan for the next few resting days that are going to be necessary after my almost 12 hour jaunt into the world. Most of it was spent with kind folk who share similar interests and I’m very glad that we connected. Bedrest, well, chair rest, will be required in order to live. Sleep. Not sure if that is going to happen.

When he read out what he had written for the review describing the limitations I have, it was a swift kick to the gut. A reminder. Today. Asking to use the Elevator at Vista House. It was a huge step for me. I stayed positive and engaged the folks who were helping me out. I tried to ask questions about the beautiful building and they answered with lots of facts and smiles. This is the kind of world I live in right now. I don’t know what to do to bring this little slice of heaven to the rest of the world that’s going through so much. Yes, I have fears. Big ones. He will die within days of not having his medication. I know what it feels like to be without him. Be without him alive. He was without oxygen for 5 minutes. I sat on 911 with the operator pleading with her to make them hurry up. At least that’s what I remember. I remember scary. I remember the spittle. I remember him being stuck. I remember Ty being here. I remember Ty talking to the 25ers. I remember seeing either them compressing his chest, or a shock perhaps? I’m honestly not sure. For a long while, I relived every damn moment, but that has eased as the years have gone by.

Now, it’s my own issues that I’m dealing with. I think I’m learning how to be an adult finally maybe? Only took a zillion years I guess. And a lot of sweat, pain, tears, and hugs and love. Or maybe we don’t ever fully mature into that devil.

Maple gave me a spotify list, with songs and descriptions and I think I just might give a listen to this playlist that I didn’t even have a log in for. If I wasn’t on drugs, I’d be worried that I’m on drugs.

I feel like I’m on Mr. Robot. Or maybe even Black Mirror. Haven’t decided yet, nor will we know for awhile I think.

March 15, 2017 Posted by | death, e-friends, fibromyalgia, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DC++: Bringing the music world to the net legally

Been awhile since Ive thought about my past life. SPent years working on a  community on the software program DC++ where you ran their software, but ran hubs with individual rules separate from the software. Kinda like being a den mother and helping people work the software along with the other troop leaders. And in return you get MUSIC. LOTS AND LOTS of music. See.when you are in pain, you need a LOT of distraction and doing things like making gifs and collecting photos and pleasing others all produce that little thing we call dopamine, or is it serotonin, or maybe epinephrine, we all have one or all working in tandem with each other to help us get through this damn thing we call life. Collecting music which helps me reproduce either memories from concerts I’ve been to or helps to induce new ones, is my drug.

Some of you may be familiar with the name napster. We ran a counter program called shnapster where we traded the compression form SHN with each other via the bittorrent technology. In that time, of unlimited up and downloads you could just endlessly sit on your computer and obsessively collect. Which is what we did. Something that happens in all forms of audio and video these days. An archivist. That’s it. I want to do that. Like Shapiro.

My own harddrive. If I remember correctly I had two. I ran a server actually now that I think about it. He and I had hours to spend and just be together and listen to music. He for his ptsd, me for my fm.

Looks like DC++ just updated perhaps? I can’t seem to find it anywhere. I’m just following along like a dog who’s found a new family. Not necessarily my owner, but a family that loves me none the less. I am not comfortable in their home, but maybe someday? I just got the updated RAM, and now I have to sort out this current mess, but I’m slowly building CM’s collection in my drive. I’m thinking I’ll count it up and figure out h ow much to put into a memory stick. Preserve it. Just in case.

I’ll just keep plugging along and doing what feels right as that seems to be working out well right now.

 

 

March 13, 2017 Posted by | DC++, karma | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stream of consciousness March 2017

Came back haunted..

Thats the best way to describe what’s going on with me. While I still retain a vast majority of my personality there is definitely a darker tinge that I can only recognize from earlier versions of myself. Seeing the path right in front of  me, there are still twists and turns and I am just hanging on for dear life. Some things can be explained. Other things can’t be. I’m flying by the seat of my pants.

I have very little memory of the days beyond thinking my life was over, seeing Ghost, and slowly starting to come back to life. In October I made the brave choice to go see Ghost and that was the first big mountain I climbed. I had a fantastic time. The staff at the Roseland were impeccable and treated me and the love with respect. The cane was a hint perhaps? It’s frustrating that without a visual aid, people just assume you are faking. I look forward to April and view what’s going on right now as a sort of a recharging station. I’m just Telafree 43.2.

The biggest trip the past few months has been the converging realities that are slowly starting to enmesh themselves in a different manifestation then I am used to. I have always believed in following signs, but have spent most of my life ignoring those signs and just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Watching the right movies, buying the right clothes. I sought out love and received that. I would like to take that love and grow something with it. Something that will outlast us. I want to make Ralph and NJ proud of me.

After October and my achievement, I needed another goal. I have learned that I am a goal-oriented person. I need a point A and a point B. I can find my way there, that isn’t the problem. And of course it will not always be this way either. The one thing that isn’t temporary is life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. I’ve seen it with so many people. From grandpa to Sam, to me coming close the first time, my father, my grandmother, I think that’s all for right now, but that’s more then enough. I  have started helping a local charity and even if I only do one hours worth of work, it was worth it to me. What they are doing is important and whether this is a destination or just a stepping stone, I am down one path, but who knows where it will split off, and whether I’m going up, down, left or right.

 

 

 

March 12, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment