Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Things that make you go Hrm

Called about fiber….got a quote..wrote it down..made no sense..didnt schedule..yet cables are coming or are already here? Hrm

Message from phone company saying we have an appointment to have those cables installed..then cuts off before time is said..Hrm

Still following signs. Not sure what to do next. Feeling lost. Grounding took a lot out of me. Don’t know where to go. Pain is bad. Was WELL worth the friendships made today.

I swear I saw a message in the upper right hand corner of my browser the other night, but now I wonder if it was just a bot. I saw a program to write bots. I bet I could teach myself. That’s the plan for the next few resting days that are going to be necessary after my almost 12 hour jaunt into the world. Most of it was spent with kind folk who share similar interests and I’m very glad that we connected. Bedrest, well, chair rest, will be required in order to live. Sleep. Not sure if that is going to happen.

When he read out what he had written for the review describing the limitations I have, it was a swift kick to the gut. A reminder. Today. Asking to use the Elevator at Vista House. It was a huge step for me. I stayed positive and engaged the folks who were helping me out. I tried to ask questions about the beautiful building and they answered with lots of facts and smiles. This is the kind of world I live in right now. I don’t know what to do to bring this little slice of heaven to the rest of the world that’s going through so much. Yes, I have fears. Big ones. He will die within days of not having his medication. I know what it feels like to be without him. Be without him alive. He was without oxygen for 5 minutes. I sat on 911 with the operator pleading with her to make them hurry up. At least that’s what I remember. I remember scary. I remember the spittle. I remember him being stuck. I remember Ty being here. I remember Ty talking to the 25ers. I remember seeing either them compressing his chest, or a shock perhaps? I’m honestly not sure. For a long while, I relived every damn moment, but that has eased as the years have gone by.

Now, it’s my own issues that I’m dealing with. I think I’m learning how to be an adult finally maybe? Only took a zillion years I guess. And a lot of sweat, pain, tears, and hugs and love. Or maybe we don’t ever fully mature into that devil.

Maple gave me a spotify list, with songs and descriptions and I think I just might give a listen to this playlist that I didn’t even have a log in for. If I wasn’t on drugs, I’d be worried that I’m on drugs.

I feel like I’m on Mr. Robot. Or maybe even Black Mirror. Haven’t decided yet, nor will we know for awhile I think.

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March 15, 2017 Posted by | death, e-friends, fibromyalgia, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stream of consciousness March 2017

Came back haunted..

Thats the best way to describe what’s going on with me. While I still retain a vast majority of my personality there is definitely a darker tinge that I can only recognize from earlier versions of myself. Seeing the path right in front of  me, there are still twists and turns and I am just hanging on for dear life. Some things can be explained. Other things can’t be. I’m flying by the seat of my pants.

I have very little memory of the days beyond thinking my life was over, seeing Ghost, and slowly starting to come back to life. In October I made the brave choice to go see Ghost and that was the first big mountain I climbed. I had a fantastic time. The staff at the Roseland were impeccable and treated me and the love with respect. The cane was a hint perhaps? It’s frustrating that without a visual aid, people just assume you are faking. I look forward to April and view what’s going on right now as a sort of a recharging station. I’m just Telafree 43.2.

The biggest trip the past few months has been the converging realities that are slowly starting to enmesh themselves in a different manifestation then I am used to. I have always believed in following signs, but have spent most of my life ignoring those signs and just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Watching the right movies, buying the right clothes. I sought out love and received that. I would like to take that love and grow something with it. Something that will outlast us. I want to make Ralph and NJ proud of me.

After October and my achievement, I needed another goal. I have learned that I am a goal-oriented person. I need a point A and a point B. I can find my way there, that isn’t the problem. And of course it will not always be this way either. The one thing that isn’t temporary is life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. I’ve seen it with so many people. From grandpa to Sam, to me coming close the first time, my father, my grandmother, I think that’s all for right now, but that’s more then enough. I  have started helping a local charity and even if I only do one hours worth of work, it was worth it to me. What they are doing is important and whether this is a destination or just a stepping stone, I am down one path, but who knows where it will split off, and whether I’m going up, down, left or right.

 

 

 

March 12, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment