Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

5 days i lost..or found?

i lost track of about 4 days when I took off walking after parking my car near what ended up being MLK and I think Ankeny in SE. I dont remember right now what venue David was playing at but I do remember texting him that I was on y way. For some reason I parked the car and decided to walk to his show that night. I may never know what exactly happened. I keep a plastic bag with things to remember that night with. Some happy memories like the dance studio and walking into that bar where every smiling face made me feel happy. I didn’t feel any fear. I felt acceptance and they knew who I was. That is what Im aiming for. Yes, the Bliss that you cause, well that would be the cherry on top of the cake. Being around all of you, you know who you are, is what I want. Like be good familiy. That’s what it was supposed to be about in my head. I wanted that utopia that Woodstock seemeed to have been but of course if you were really there, you don’t remember it.

Some days I wonder what I have done to deserve the pain that courses through my joints at times. After sitting for about an hour and ahalf while going through my previous years hidden stories, sitting on old couch cushions, i could barely move. My body locks up and the joints scream at me and I can feel the inflammation around the joints. I can literaly feel the ball of the femur entering the sacrum. I think it’s the sacrum. My memories of the anatomy that I took at least 3 times still escapes me at times. School and I never got along.

I had to get to Coldplay. What happened after Coldplay, or even before, is another something that I may never be able to talk about. I remember falling. I remember lsoing my sock and shoe and I remember stnding on a street corner where bicycles would pass to my right. The buses and cars would pass in front, and I would just turn like I felt I was suposed to turn until I got so tired that I collapsed. Next thing I know there was a woman cop standing there and I wasn’t scared. I hadn’t been scared for most of my walk. I felt like I was on a mission. I didnt know what the mission was but I was ok. I don’t remember sleeping. I don’t remember eating and I dont remember drinking water, but I must have. Oh wait. I just got a flash of a coffee shop.

I was sgiven a choice as I left that coffee shop. One timeline or another and I went with what my heart wanted.

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October 23, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, chronic pain, Dreams, Memories, pain, Stream of Consciousness | , , , | Leave a comment

And the pitch…

The ball has been released from the strong hand that has been holding tight to this little idea. I think the idea was always there. Is this fly on the wall part 3? Or just a new chapter in part 2? The ball is heading straight for the middle of the catcher’s mitt. Going as fast as the pitcher has ever thrown in his career. It’s not the 7th game of the world series or anything but it is an important game in the middle of a playoff run with the potential for winning it all on the horizon if the path meanders that way.

There is always the possibility of a wild pitch as well. All paths have to be accounted for. Even the ones that I can’t see. I have to remember to keep walking. If I don’t take that hike then I won’t ever go down the path that might lead to the happiness and joy that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m really honestly happy. Im living life pretty damn well on my own for the first time in my life. And I’m pretty old. I had no idea that after 40 some years of being in a relationship or marriage, I’d find such joy and happiness on my own. I guess this was one of the lessons that the Universe wanted me to learn. That and patience of course. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn that one. I’m horribly impatient. I want things to happen right away.

The ball has stalled in its traverse towards the target. Something has frozen time and there is nothing for the pitcher to do but look around as best he can at the still stick figures and white and red-threaded ball that has broken the laws of the reality that was before the world mysteriously stopped spinning.

In the ether. In the in between there is a place. With no eyes. With ears. To keep you tethered to the world. That’s where you do nothing but feel. And while you’d think it’d be nice to live there 24 hours a day. I don’t know if anyone’s soul could handle that. I think we are meant to straddle the other in betweens.

The ball slowly starts dribbling back in its pre-determind orbit decided by the curve of the pitcher’s fingers and placement of it on his knuckles. I feel the tilt of t he earth as the rotation continues. Reality is back. It was nice visiting that other place but right now, as things go, I really want to keep life going here. I’m desperately afraid it will implode. Or explode because I’m so happy. But maybe it’s the Universe giving me some good times.

After 15 years of fear and anxiety.

 

August 26, 2017 Posted by | Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things that make you go Hrm

Called about fiber….got a quote..wrote it down..made no sense..didnt schedule..yet cables are coming or are already here? Hrm

Message from phone company saying we have an appointment to have those cables installed..then cuts off before time is said..Hrm

Still following signs. Not sure what to do next. Feeling lost. Grounding took a lot out of me. Don’t know where to go. Pain is bad. Was WELL worth the friendships made today.

I swear I saw a message in the upper right hand corner of my browser the other night, but now I wonder if it was just a bot. I saw a program to write bots. I bet I could teach myself. That’s the plan for the next few resting days that are going to be necessary after my almost 12 hour jaunt into the world. Most of it was spent with kind folk who share similar interests and I’m very glad that we connected. Bedrest, well, chair rest, will be required in order to live. Sleep. Not sure if that is going to happen.

When he read out what he had written for the review describing the limitations I have, it was a swift kick to the gut. A reminder. Today. Asking to use the Elevator at Vista House. It was a huge step for me. I stayed positive and engaged the folks who were helping me out. I tried to ask questions about the beautiful building and they answered with lots of facts and smiles. This is the kind of world I live in right now. I don’t know what to do to bring this little slice of heaven to the rest of the world that’s going through so much. Yes, I have fears. Big ones. He will die within days of not having his medication. I know what it feels like to be without him. Be without him alive. He was without oxygen for 5 minutes. I sat on 911 with the operator pleading with her to make them hurry up. At least that’s what I remember. I remember scary. I remember the spittle. I remember him being stuck. I remember Ty being here. I remember Ty talking to the 25ers. I remember seeing either them compressing his chest, or a shock perhaps? I’m honestly not sure. For a long while, I relived every damn moment, but that has eased as the years have gone by.

Now, it’s my own issues that I’m dealing with. I think I’m learning how to be an adult finally maybe? Only took a zillion years I guess. And a lot of sweat, pain, tears, and hugs and love. Or maybe we don’t ever fully mature into that devil.

Maple gave me a spotify list, with songs and descriptions and I think I just might give a listen to this playlist that I didn’t even have a log in for. If I wasn’t on drugs, I’d be worried that I’m on drugs.

I feel like I’m on Mr. Robot. Or maybe even Black Mirror. Haven’t decided yet, nor will we know for awhile I think.

March 15, 2017 Posted by | death, e-friends, fibromyalgia, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment