Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Too in love to let it show
if you never try
youll never know
just what you’re worth

Lgihts are supposed to guide me home. I know this but I’ve got so many things going on in my brain that I’m trying to handle that things kinda get thrown to the wayside. Coldplay always seems to ground me. I wonder does music affect YOU this way? Do YOU ever feel like it’s there to support you and get you through what you are going through right now at THAT exact moment. The music brings you the emotions that you’d feel if you were in a room full of people hearing and experiencing their own realities but you are all there at one time creating energy that is positive. All set to music that we can listen to as many times as we want and recall that memory. Recall that energy. I live for music. I really do. I exist to go to see live music. At least at the live concert it’s positive. When you are alone it can be different because you can experience emotions privately and cry your eyes our if it’s just one of those days. Im

I’m definitely learning a lot about life right now. I’m learning about nutrition. I’m trying to exercise. That’s a hard one because of the pain cycle that I get stuck in. I will hurt from sleeping, or sitting, or any of those activities that sets me off and it will hurt so bad I dont want to move. But that not moving makes the pain worse. Sometimes even moving makes the pain worse. But there is no difference between the pain on the opiates and the pain off the opiates. There are a shit ton of positives though and I wouldnt p ut myself back on those drugs if you paid me. I am so much happier now. I still wonder what kinds of damage my brain has, but I have hope.

I read recently that they observed a 72 year old man making huge changes to the pathways in his brain. They had previously thought that stopped when we were infants. That gives me hope that whatever the drugs may have done to me, I might be able to get it back. Im defnitely having small issues at recalling certain words but I feel I may have crossed a bridge recently because my writing seems to have changed even. Maybe it’s because I’m puffing.

THe anxiety is lessened. The stress has lessened. The excitement’s (believe) levels are high. Less then 24 hours and I’ll be on a plane heading to Cali. Im going on a trip again. This is what I save every penny for. Well ok, I got help on this one. Thanks for the ticket mom!!! Love you!

I will soon be traipsing around a city ive never been in. Something that I’ve enjoyed since I hit my early 20s. Life is an adventure. Such a cheesy line and saying but it really is true.

Advertisements

November 3, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, believe, california, chronic pain, mom, Trey, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

All these things that I have done

Its hard to look back and see the progress when you are in the midst of a change.

April 29, 2016 I was taken to the Adventist hospital in the midst of liver, kidney and respiratory failure. They couldn’t take me which I find really ironic when I pass their billboards that tout how wonderful their ER is. Instead I ended up at Kaiser in Clackamas county. I should have stayed in Portland, and I will regret the fact that I had no say in my treatment or where I was taken and that once again my ex-husaband made a decision that will have repurcussions to my dying day.

That isn’t the focus of this post though. The focus of this post is to remind myself how far I’ve come from then. See, when I was taken into the hospital I weighed 335 pounds. All my life I had been called fat. People would yell ‘fat ass’ out the window of their car when I would walk down the street.. On the phish (that band from vermont that some of you might know) newsgroup rec.music.phish (newsgroups were the precursor to Facebook groups I suppose). But the difference is there was absolutely no moderation what-so-ever. It was the wild wild west of communities and I was a pretty well – known poster as I had either a job where I could be online all day, or I wasn’t working so I spent almost all day, every day online posting about Phish. I somehow gained a troll (i would find out later that it was a large group of people acting as one signle troll) who would write stories about me eating people. And make fun of the fact that my health had deteriorated into me needing a wheelchair just to go to a live music concert. The bullying continued into my 30s until I eventually had to leave that internet community that I had thought was accepting of all people but would actually be one of the most creul and unforgiving communities I’ve ever encountered on the internet and I’ve been part of an online community or two, or three for over 22 years now.

I digress.

Now, I’m 100 lbs down. Yup. I’m outing my weight on the internet. I weigh 235 pounds. And I wear a size 12 in some clothes and in others I wear a 3x depending on the manufacturer of the item. How on earth is anyone supposed to feel normal wearing such an array of different sizes? Epecially in a society that places so much value on that damn number. How is anyone who is self-conscious in any way supposed to live with themselves and their weight when our clothing manufacturers won’t even give us a regular size. Now guys clothing is measured in inches. You know the waist size. You know the length and that is the way it is no matter who makes the clothes. Talk about a punch to the face. To me it seems as just another way to control us.

I digress again.

I decided a few months ago to let someone move in as a roommate. I let him stay for free for a few months. I wanted to see how we got along. I wanted to open myself up to a new person. Well that fell apart the other day. I no longer felt safe with him in the house and had to run. I had to walk down the block, call for a Lyft and go pick up my car that had been impounded when I suffered multiple anxiety attacks and memory issues relating to the PTSD and anxiety that I can now trace back to my early childhood. That brings me to mom. A mom Who decided to tell me that because i pushed away this roommate, that meant I had no friends. Never mind the 15 messages on messenger that I recieved when I let people know I had to create a whole new fb profile. It’s amazing what the internet does to people. For people like me, it can destroy them with just one sentence. For others, like zev for one, or Bee for another, and even darryl yes, I know you are all behind things. I know there are others involved too, but that won’t last forever. Karma is a real thing. A very. real. thing. And you’d better get ready to face YOUR demons because I’m facing mine right now, every single day when I wake up and I hurt. When I sit for 15 minutes and can barely move after that 15 minutes because the stiffness is so bad.

I have digressed again.

Honestly I guess I’ve lost focus on what this entry was supposed to be about. I guess it’s about freedom. The freedom to be who I want without my mom telling me that I have no friends. When I disappeared a few weeks ago due to some circumstances almost completely out of my own control, I was found with one shoe and sock and a bare foot on the corner of Division Street. The police found me, put me in an AMR ambulance (mind you this is the 2nd or 3rd time these wonderful folks have, oh wait, it may even be the 4th time that they have come to my rescue when it’s been a life-threatening situation). See, I suffer from, wait again, I don’t like to use the word suffer. I have anxiety (and PTSD) and Im despartaley trying to control it without relying on medications.

There we go. It’s out now. I have PTSD from an alcoholic father and a controlling mother who wants nothing but to dangle my strings in life like the puppets in a kids theater. It’s from the bullying that began in 3rd grade that continues to this day when I went to the Coldplay concert and I realized that SOMEHOW, some of these people KNEW that popcorn was a trigger. Somehow they KNEW the things that triggered me to have a panic attack. I may never know how that was the case. I will just continue to look down at the love button that some of you may have recieved if you were at that Concert. From what I have been able to glean, not everyone got one of those buttons.

She told me this morning, after I had called her to let her know I was safe. She told me I hard pushed away the only friends I had. Because I didn’t let this man, a person I did NOT feel comfortable with, stay living in my home. She didn’t believe me that I had been able to procure my car from the impound lot. She just sounded pissed. After being missing for a few days, maybe even a week total, Then reappearing. Then disappearing again, she was pissed. WTF mom. What. Is. Wrong. With. You. You didn’t teach me how to handle my emotions. You came from the school of push those emotions deep deep inside and dont let anyone see you cry. Not ever. There’s no crying in baseball afterall.

Needless to say, this posting has jumped all over the place. I started it because I’m going to try and lose another 50 lbs and today I downloaded an app to keep track of my calories. That’s how I lost the first 100 lbs. I found out how many calories I burn at the weight I’m at and then I ate less. I didn’t even excersize. I am doing bother now. It’s different now though because I have a goal. I want to tour with a band. I want to find a band that will take me on to help them in some way. Whether it’s to drive the van, or even just make some home cooked food while at the hotel. It may be a pipe dream, but it’s my dream. And i’m going to keep fighting to make that dream come true.

I started watching a youtube red documentary about Lindsay Sterling tonight. The dancing violinist. I had never heard of her before, well at least not that I can remember and she is someone that I admire greatly. She is fighting a food issue just as much as I am fighting one. (She’s also facing the death of her father which is something I dealt with at the age of 21) I have a tendency to eat my feelings. When I’m sad, I want pizza. When I’m happy, I want pizza. I would eat pizza for every meal of the day if I could. And trust me, I have before, for months at a time. That was how I got up to 335 pounds. I was stuck in a loveless marriage that had died right around the day before our wedding in 2004. Don’t get me wrong. We had grand times. But I had followed in my mother’s footsteps and found myself in an abusive relationship. I can’t go in depth into that part of my life until the divorce is final. I will get into that one day though. So keep an eye out on the blog. I finally got out of the marriage a few months ago and the moment I recieved that restraining order my life began down a path that I am happy to say is probably some of the best times I’ve ever had. I have hope that the next few days will cement a future. A future that I have been dreaming of. Some of that will require hard work. I used to walk almost every night. But I slacked off. Gained some weight and today I put myself back on that path to getting healthier. I really do love green beans! I really do love tofu. OMG a tofu scramble? Yes please! Scrambled cheesy eggs? Yup. Throw me that protein. I’ll eat it.

“it’s time” as the announcer before an MMA fight would say. It’s time for me to start the rest of my life. And I hope that includes you” I may have even prayed that it would include you.

Oh I forgot to mention one thing. I exist in pain. Chronic pain. It hits when I least expect it. No one’s ever been able to tell my why. I just have come to accept it. After 14+ years of controlling it with opiates, I have moved forward to handling it with alternative treatments. Yoga. A TENS unit. Just plain ole fashioned grit and determination. So if you know who I am, and see me walking down the street on your neighborhood (sometimes its a button that says I heart nerds, sometimes its a button with a smiley face and a bleeding head wound and sometimes it’s a “love” button) remember that what you do, in those moments when you pass a stranger can sometimes last a lifetime. That person who yelled ‘fat ass’ out the window at me in Birmingham, Michigan has permanently damaged me and I’m betting he is proud of that. I have faith though that Karma will bring everything into balance.

Change. The only thing that’s constant in life and in reality and I’m in the midst of a big one. Watch out world. This wily fox is on the hunt, on the prowl and is ready to take on the world. And I will gosh darnit. I will.

October 10, 2017 Posted by | abuse, anxiety, Changes, Dreams, Internship, Memories, MOF, mom, pain, phish, reality, RMP, sickness | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Out the other side

Well I’ve made it through some sort of test. I should say tests as this is a never ending set of tests that if I fail, something pretty damn ugly might happen. I’m starting to realize that I may never be with you. Ever. And I have to accept this as fact. I’m so in love with you it’s silly. I miss you so much. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. So badly. I still have David. My mom tried to tell me I didn’t have any friends. I feel like I have you. I have your friends. I have Grant et all at the Unity Center. I have folktime. They taught me, and are teaching me to handle the anxiety that I know isn’t my fault. It’s your fault Mom. It’s all your fault. You didn’t teach me how to live this life. You didn’t do anything except make me dependent on other people which is not how you make it through this life. I have to depend on myself; first and foremost.

I want to go on tour. I want to leave yesterday. I’m so ready to let it all go and just take a plunge into a new life. And say goodbye to this one. I’m sure I’ve screwed up in some way, I’m the queen of screwing up but what I’m starting to realize is that even if I screw up, things will go on and I will get another chance to set the path towards the right way.

I’m starting to get sleepy. I’m not sure if I should go nap. I’m not sure what to do. I need guidance. I need help.

The new album is incredible LD. It makes me feel so much and that’s what music is supposed to do. That’s what you do.

October 9, 2017 Posted by | anxiety, Changes, mom, music, reality | Leave a comment

Flowers blooming…the music’s boomin…

The musics playin, the birds are chirpin, the clematis is blooming and spring has arrived to our corner of the world. The shorts are on and The New Mastersounds are givin it UP!. They are the new soundtrack to our house. I can’t wait to give them a full listen tomorrow when I have relaxation day. I can’t wait to relax. I’ve been back to the grind for almost a month now. Saw another doctor today. Told me that my medication has been the reason for all of my ill health the past few months. It’s nice to have somewhat of an answer and someone powerful on my side. The parental is also relieved. I think she was just as scared as me and the hubby when this all happened except for the fact that she is 3000 miles away and couldn’t be here. I talked to her today, and she said she almost came out. Even though I had heard that from the hubby already. It really made me feel good to hear it on this day again and from her. It’s taken years of hard work but we really have a great relationship and I’m thankful that we are as close as we are.

Spring is my most favorite season. Even with the rain. I am hoping that the warm rains will start to come so I can start hanging outside. I miss just sittin on the porch, swinging, and reading on the weekends, sun shining. That’s how it was today but I didn’t get enough of the day to enjoy because of the doctor appointments. The physical therepy is enjoyable enough. I get pain relief there and they have big ceiling to floor windows and I can look outside at the leaves waving in the wind.

Instrumental music, especially good instrumental music can really inspire, but it has to be the right time, and the right time is not now. I’m wrappin this up short style because I want to go be with the hubby. Its important to me.

March 30, 2007 Posted by | mom, music, Rain | Leave a comment