Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Goin great!!!

So even though I had to have some ‘counseling’ at work. Today is a great day. Even though Tron kept arguing with me, today is a great day. Even though I had physical therapy today, today is a great day.

Things are different at work, with Paul being there now. Less stress on me, and less for me to do.

Today is a great day.

Did my physical therapy and my knees are feelin sooo strong. I just hope that I can keep this up until July and be ready for that Trey show. I gotta be up front with the devil horns. I have to show him how far I’ve come. I just have to pray that he remembers me as being the one that wrote him the letter in Portland. I have to hope that those minutes he spent with me were as memorable to him as they were to me.

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March 12, 2007 Posted by | e-friends, kneecap, pain, positivity, reality | Leave a comment

Pain levels low major tom

So I don’t know if it’s the return to work, the exercise I’m getting through the physical therapy for my knee or the letting go of a lot of hatred and anger but I’m having lower pain levels. The new drugs are helping with the anxiety and scariness that I sometimes feel and I’ve been sleeping like a baby. I have my dreams back too. I know that I am having them, but I’m not remembering them. I’m going to try this weekend to wake up and immediately post what I remember here in the esther blog because this one is pretty incog (well hopefully, but if you know who I am, this is the blog I bitch about my A.S and my health just so you know). I want my dreams back. I don’t even know if I said that to my doctor or just said it in my head. I do know I posted it on the blop.

Goin to hell in a bucket baby, but at least I’m enjoyin the ride.

The blop has been a haven for me. I hope that more people stick around. It seems to be getting busier to me. It seems the perfect size. If you take a few days off it’s slow enough that if you respond to posts from yesterday, the people who wrote them sign on and notice that someone is responding. I think it’s the best size, even though I have this feeling that something’s going to happen and it’s going to get noticed. I hope that snigs is doing well health wise. You are in my prayers snigs!

Can’t think of a place more perfect, or a person as perfect as you.

The hubby is at work today and I get the entire day off to do whatever I want. I’ve decided to take care of the housework first. Emptied the cat boxes, cleaned the bathroom. Swept the kitchen and bathroom floor, took care of some dishes and lit some incense. Oh and of course put on jam on. I swear that sattellite radio is a gift from heaven.

At least I’m enjoyin the riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to talk about that night. What I heard on NPR. What seemed to be the future. Going around all those roads. Seeing people I recognize trying to hurt me. It was as if a dream became reality instead of it being a dream within reality that isn’t reality. I seriously feel that if I could write it out into a script. It would make a great movie.

I can’t remember what inspired me to get in the car. The hubby fell asleep and I just said I’m going to micky d’s and all i have to do is eat a few chicken nuggets with the honey mustard sauce and some fries. All I had to eat was 4 nuggets and 5 fries. It was that specific. Everything seemed to be set up as if it were meant to be a path. All I did was look straight ahead, drove the speed limit and listened to NPR. I would say something out loud and I would receive an answer on NPR and the answer always had choices. I had to make a choice and even then, if I were afraid to make the choice, I had help making the choice. It wasn’t anyone’s voice. It was an inner monologue of my own. Kinda like on Scrub’s. I would vocalize my thoughts. As I was eating the chicken mcnuggets I was forgetting to dip them in the honey mustard and so on NPR, a show began that showcased all of the wonderful sauces that were inspired by Asia. And how it’s best to have them with other kinds of foods because that is how they taste best. You don’t pile honey mustard onto a french fry, you dip it in and get just a little bit and then together, the two tastes combine and its nummmy. That is pretty much what I was doing for the first maybe 20 minutes of the drive up to the mountain. I was noticing lots of white lights everywhere, as if it where still christmas time even though new years eve had passed. I knew it was January and after the visit to micky d’s and hearing from the two kids that a comet was in the sky, I had made the decision to just drive up to mt hood. I had done this once before in 1999. I hopped in sunshine, the vw that i used to co-own with a friend and camped up on the mountain all by myself in a tent. I knew i had to do this camping experiment on my own but to be doing something simliar almost 8 years later, it didn’t seem like such a strange thing to me, while it freaked everyone around me out. I guess that’s because I expect people to know what’s going on in my head but forget that they dont know unless I tell them.

As I drove up and up the mountain, which takes about 45 minutes to get to, I have absolutely no idea where I went. NPR pretty much directed me and as I hit a certain elevation, the NPR channell fuzzed out and I was listening to what sounded like NPR in the future. I was hearing things that weren’t happening in the reality down the mountain and I thought to myself, I must be getting a glimpse of the future. That everything will be all right if we just keep talking to each other. That there was a new religious person in the government. Someone who would speak for all religions. I can’t remember what they called this person but it helped bring together the entire world into peace because each religion had it’s own speaker. I wish I could remember more but it was an interview and I was in so much awe of what I was hearing that it was all I could do to keep driving the 15 mile an hour curves as I drove up and up the mountain. There wasn’t any snow for some strange reason. We must have had a short warm spell that kept the snow off of the higher elevations that would usually require chains for driving. After the food show about the honey mustard and asian sauces, and the NPR interview with the religion ambassador from the United States, I was closer and closer to the top of the mountain. At one point I went the wrong way and was thinking and saying “help” I don’t know which way to go. A white car or pick up truck would show up and would go one way and I would follow and they would then disappear. Some of the darker elements of the world were also involved in this dream reality. The darker color cars would try and block me from going places. Not once did the police seem to see me as acting any different and the people in the lighter color cars were always smiling and waving and so I knew I wasn’t encroaching into or onto anyone else’s space or bubble as I like to call it. Its not a coincidence that the sattellite radio just finished playing a song from a phish show that I would call ‘my show’ while I was writing the above words. There is inspiration and muse right there in music.

Thirty days in the hole. Newcastle Brown can sure smack you down.

As I reached the top, well, what felt like the top of wherever it was I could go, I came to a fork in the road. I could either go up and to the right, or down and to the left. I figured I’d take the higher road and so I veered to the right. There was a gate, but the gate was open and I knew most people in this part of the world and area are pretty much nice, especially if the gate is open. I also didn’t have any other way to go and so I needed to turn around anyways and figured this would be the best place. The funniest thing was that I really needed to go to the bathroom and I just happened to light up a porta potty as I was swingin tela into a circle to head back down the mountain. I thought I had already started to make my turn but for some reason whenI saw the girl and boy that was in the garage, they started to walk towards me and I realized I hadn’t started to turn, I had actually driven towards them. They came to me and I tried to explain that I was lost and needed to go to the bathroom, but I couldn’t get out the words. The two people looked really familiar. So familiar that I felt as though I was in some sort of trance. I said “I don’t know why I’m here.”

The girl with the straight blond yellow hair, she looked about 19 or 20 asked me what my name was. I thought that was a little odd but hey, I figured wtf, why not. “Marnie”. I had spent the evening playing on the internet and had been using my nickname instead of my fullname and so I figured I’d just tell her my name was marn. She said how do you pronounce it? I said ‘Mar nee” She seemed to be happy at the response and smiled. “You can go back now” she said. I kinda jumped, startled at a stranger saying something like that to a stranger. The boy that was with her was also very familiar looking. He looked about 19 or 20 and had black hair very simliar to the hubby’s hair. It had been like seeing myself about 20 years younger living life with the hubby. Building a house up on the top of Mt Hood. I didn’t know if I was in the future, the present or the past because of the NPR strangeness. They were not reporting on things that were happening in the reality that I had been in at the bottom of the mountain and so I felt like the things I saw once I reached that point up at the top of the mountain as in a different time. I had a strange feeling in my stomach that it was sometime far in the future and I was seeing a parrallell universe that was existing just right down the road from me. I had been reading a lot of physics on the internet. I had spent hours watching physics professors teach me that they have figured out how the universe works. According to them, there is another universe just like this one, but its only a fraction of the smallest thing you can imagine away from us. Its the negative universe. And sometimes we can fall into that and bad things start to happen. Music starts to sound off key. Things go bad. Theres war, famine, disease, destruction, everywhere and no matter where we are in our world we can accidentally slip into that parallel universe. I wish that a website would appear telling me that what I’m writing makes sense but I have to go google to make that happen so brb

here ya go:

Everything you’re about to read here seems impossible and insane, beyond science fiction. Yet it’s all true.

Scientists now believe there may really be a parallel universe – in fact, there may be an infinite number of parallel universes, and we just happen to live in one of them. These other universes contain space, time and strange forms of exotic matter. Some of them may even contain you, in a slightly different form. Astonishingly, scientists believe that these parallel universes exist less than one millimetre away from us. In fact, our gravity is just a weak signal leaking out of another universe into ours.”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/horizon/2001/paralleluni.shtml

whats interesting is the date : 14 February 2002

March 9, 2007 Posted by | ankylosing spondylitis, anxiety, e-friends, grateful dead, kneecap, mt hood, music, NPR, pain, physics, positivity, reality, sickness | Leave a comment

Sickness

deifnitely has two meanings..

it can mean the most meanest sickest sickness jamming of the band named moe.

Or it can be a subluxating kneecap aka patellar. Guess there was some sort of tear, but not sure about that one. Still waiting for the email with the xray. I can’t believe I’m finally getiing a cool xray. Kinda sick I know but when you are fighting a disease, and you grab proof of if, a picture, you really want to own a copy of one. I have a feeling itll arrive sooner then later.

It’s nice to be off the crutches for the day. Now I iknow that it’s hyperextention that is causing it I need to go google what to do for that. I get the weekend for rest and then its back to healing the knee again. I’m so thankful of my life right now that I can honestly say I’m happy even with an injury like this one.

Damn that jam was just sickness

February 26, 2007 Posted by | ankylosing spondylitis, kneecap, moe., mpe/, music, patella, sickness | Leave a comment

Pain, pain really isn’t very much fun.

SO today I was having a wonderful day. I had been getting around better. THe exercises that they told me to do were easy and even the rain wasn’t bothering me. I was able to figure some things out, with the help of my doctor, and then suddenly, this evening, after picking up the hubby, the kneecap subluxed again. The pain began anew and I’m doing the best I can. So far, the medicine is keeping the pain and anxiety that comes along with the pain undercontrol. I would have given today a 9 but with this new sublux its all the way down to a 3. I’m off to read on the couch. Love you. Smooches.

February 26, 2007 Posted by | ankylosing spondylitis, anxiety, kneecap, pain, patella, Rain, subluxation, Windy, Winter | Leave a comment

Today was an ok day

It’s not quite over yet, though I am debating missing my PT today because my hips are so sore, but the longer I sit, the more I know I have to go. If I start skipping at the beginning it doesn’t forbode well for me to have a different outcome. I couldn’t do the home exercises because of the pain last night and this morning so it’s imperitive that I go to the gym and get led in some more exercises. They are here to help me, not defeat me, not put me down, they are with me in this fight to win the battle of my immune system. As long as I stay strong and keep that positive attitude then I’m already 50% better then I could have ever hoped to be. Maybe 33% I haven’t decided how much I really do have under my own control. Placebos work, its been scientifically proven, so that means that if I fight as hard as I can mentally and get rest, and do all the things they ask me to do, then I can get through today. It’s hard for the hubby right now I know. He can sense that I need help but it’s help that I don’t think he can give me. If he were a physiologist or physical therepist, then maybe. But what he does help me with is everything else in my life.

I think I’ll turn on some music and see where the internet takes me. Come along for the ride..bbinb.

February 26, 2007 Posted by | hubby, kneecap, love, patella, positivity | Leave a comment