Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Things that make you go Hrm

Called about fiber….got a quote..wrote it down..made no sense..didnt schedule..yet cables are coming or are already here? Hrm

Message from phone company saying we have an appointment to have those cables installed..then cuts off before time is said..Hrm

Still following signs. Not sure what to do next. Feeling lost. Grounding took a lot out of me. Don’t know where to go. Pain is bad. Was WELL worth the friendships made today.

I swear I saw a message in the upper right hand corner of my browser the other night, but now I wonder if it was just a bot. I saw a program to write bots. I bet I could teach myself. That’s the plan for the next few resting days that are going to be necessary after my almost 12 hour jaunt into the world. Most of it was spent with kind folk who share similar interests and I’m very glad that we connected. Bedrest, well, chair rest, will be required in order to live. Sleep. Not sure if that is going to happen.

When he read out what he had written for the review describing the limitations I have, it was a swift kick to the gut. A reminder. Today. Asking to use the Elevator at Vista House. It was a huge step for me. I stayed positive and engaged the folks who were helping me out. I tried to ask questions about the beautiful building and they answered with lots of facts and smiles. This is the kind of world I live in right now. I don’t know what to do to bring this little slice of heaven to the rest of the world that’s going through so much. Yes, I have fears. Big ones. He will die within days of not having his medication. I know what it feels like to be without him. Be without him alive. He was without oxygen for 5 minutes. I sat on 911 with the operator pleading with her to make them hurry up. At least that’s what I remember. I remember scary. I remember the spittle. I remember him being stuck. I remember Ty being here. I remember Ty talking to the 25ers. I remember seeing either them compressing his chest, or a shock perhaps? I’m honestly not sure. For a long while, I relived every damn moment, but that has eased as the years have gone by.

Now, it’s my own issues that I’m dealing with. I think I’m learning how to be an adult finally maybe? Only took a zillion years I guess. And a lot of sweat, pain, tears, and hugs and love. Or maybe we don’t ever fully mature into that devil.

Maple gave me a spotify list, with songs and descriptions and I think I just might give a listen to this playlist that I didn’t even have a log in for. If I wasn’t on drugs, I’d be worried that I’m on drugs.

I feel like I’m on Mr. Robot. Or maybe even Black Mirror. Haven’t decided yet, nor will we know for awhile I think.

Advertisements

March 15, 2017 Posted by | death, e-friends, fibromyalgia, Stream of Consciousness | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Reality hits me in the bum

Reality hit me in the face when I found out who’s really behind it all, behind ‘the stalker’. I never in a million years would have expected it to be who it is. And of course they are so low and so obsessed to have even found this blog which isn’t even easy for ME to find. Let me catch you up to date. For about 3 and a half years I have had a stalker online.  It started on rec.music.phish where I was a well known poster and then followed me no matter where I went on the internet. Every new name that I was use, they would find out. I used to think it was one person, found out a few of the people it was, but now, it’s different. One person is doing it and we have been able to use ISP’s to find out who it really is behind the whole thing. This person was someone that I trusted and know well from Phish tour. In fact Ive spent hours with this person and it’s amazing to me what double sides people have. My good ole husband was WAY ahead of me and had it figured out before the IP addresses proved who it REALLY was. The great part about all of this is I just dare them to try and find me again and try and post horrible things again.  They will, I have no doubt. The great part that I was just talking about, I finally figured out that it’s funny to make fun of people with diseases on the inside and it’s even funnier to make fun of fat people. Not, but that’s what they were doing to me. I mean don’t get me wrong. To these people, being fat and having a diseas that has no physical symptoms besides weight gain makes me a target about as funny as John Stewart on a good day. I don’t care anymore and this shall be the last time ‘the stalker’ is ever spoken about and hopefully the last time it’ll be in my brain. I’m puttin’ it in a folder and into the locked file cabinet of my brain of things int he past. It’s time to move on for all of us. I know you are reading this stalker. Just stop it. You will have so much more time for yourself. And it ain’t workin’ on me anymore so either quit, or find a new victim. Hopefully one that catches you before the end and can prove what a complete and vile asswipe you are. You have done nothing but heap lots of bad karma upon yourself and it sounds like it’s starting to kick in. Have a fun ride on the way back down.

June 18, 2007 Posted by | ankylosing spondylitis, e-friends, hubby, karma, phish, reality, stalker | Leave a comment

Goin great!!!

So even though I had to have some ‘counseling’ at work. Today is a great day. Even though Tron kept arguing with me, today is a great day. Even though I had physical therapy today, today is a great day.

Things are different at work, with Paul being there now. Less stress on me, and less for me to do.

Today is a great day.

Did my physical therapy and my knees are feelin sooo strong. I just hope that I can keep this up until July and be ready for that Trey show. I gotta be up front with the devil horns. I have to show him how far I’ve come. I just have to pray that he remembers me as being the one that wrote him the letter in Portland. I have to hope that those minutes he spent with me were as memorable to him as they were to me.

March 12, 2007 Posted by | e-friends, kneecap, pain, positivity, reality | Leave a comment

Pain levels low major tom

So I don’t know if it’s the return to work, the exercise I’m getting through the physical therapy for my knee or the letting go of a lot of hatred and anger but I’m having lower pain levels. The new drugs are helping with the anxiety and scariness that I sometimes feel and I’ve been sleeping like a baby. I have my dreams back too. I know that I am having them, but I’m not remembering them. I’m going to try this weekend to wake up and immediately post what I remember here in the esther blog because this one is pretty incog (well hopefully, but if you know who I am, this is the blog I bitch about my A.S and my health just so you know). I want my dreams back. I don’t even know if I said that to my doctor or just said it in my head. I do know I posted it on the blop.

Goin to hell in a bucket baby, but at least I’m enjoyin the ride.

The blop has been a haven for me. I hope that more people stick around. It seems to be getting busier to me. It seems the perfect size. If you take a few days off it’s slow enough that if you respond to posts from yesterday, the people who wrote them sign on and notice that someone is responding. I think it’s the best size, even though I have this feeling that something’s going to happen and it’s going to get noticed. I hope that snigs is doing well health wise. You are in my prayers snigs!

Can’t think of a place more perfect, or a person as perfect as you.

The hubby is at work today and I get the entire day off to do whatever I want. I’ve decided to take care of the housework first. Emptied the cat boxes, cleaned the bathroom. Swept the kitchen and bathroom floor, took care of some dishes and lit some incense. Oh and of course put on jam on. I swear that sattellite radio is a gift from heaven.

At least I’m enjoyin the riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to talk about that night. What I heard on NPR. What seemed to be the future. Going around all those roads. Seeing people I recognize trying to hurt me. It was as if a dream became reality instead of it being a dream within reality that isn’t reality. I seriously feel that if I could write it out into a script. It would make a great movie.

I can’t remember what inspired me to get in the car. The hubby fell asleep and I just said I’m going to micky d’s and all i have to do is eat a few chicken nuggets with the honey mustard sauce and some fries. All I had to eat was 4 nuggets and 5 fries. It was that specific. Everything seemed to be set up as if it were meant to be a path. All I did was look straight ahead, drove the speed limit and listened to NPR. I would say something out loud and I would receive an answer on NPR and the answer always had choices. I had to make a choice and even then, if I were afraid to make the choice, I had help making the choice. It wasn’t anyone’s voice. It was an inner monologue of my own. Kinda like on Scrub’s. I would vocalize my thoughts. As I was eating the chicken mcnuggets I was forgetting to dip them in the honey mustard and so on NPR, a show began that showcased all of the wonderful sauces that were inspired by Asia. And how it’s best to have them with other kinds of foods because that is how they taste best. You don’t pile honey mustard onto a french fry, you dip it in and get just a little bit and then together, the two tastes combine and its nummmy. That is pretty much what I was doing for the first maybe 20 minutes of the drive up to the mountain. I was noticing lots of white lights everywhere, as if it where still christmas time even though new years eve had passed. I knew it was January and after the visit to micky d’s and hearing from the two kids that a comet was in the sky, I had made the decision to just drive up to mt hood. I had done this once before in 1999. I hopped in sunshine, the vw that i used to co-own with a friend and camped up on the mountain all by myself in a tent. I knew i had to do this camping experiment on my own but to be doing something simliar almost 8 years later, it didn’t seem like such a strange thing to me, while it freaked everyone around me out. I guess that’s because I expect people to know what’s going on in my head but forget that they dont know unless I tell them.

As I drove up and up the mountain, which takes about 45 minutes to get to, I have absolutely no idea where I went. NPR pretty much directed me and as I hit a certain elevation, the NPR channell fuzzed out and I was listening to what sounded like NPR in the future. I was hearing things that weren’t happening in the reality down the mountain and I thought to myself, I must be getting a glimpse of the future. That everything will be all right if we just keep talking to each other. That there was a new religious person in the government. Someone who would speak for all religions. I can’t remember what they called this person but it helped bring together the entire world into peace because each religion had it’s own speaker. I wish I could remember more but it was an interview and I was in so much awe of what I was hearing that it was all I could do to keep driving the 15 mile an hour curves as I drove up and up the mountain. There wasn’t any snow for some strange reason. We must have had a short warm spell that kept the snow off of the higher elevations that would usually require chains for driving. After the food show about the honey mustard and asian sauces, and the NPR interview with the religion ambassador from the United States, I was closer and closer to the top of the mountain. At one point I went the wrong way and was thinking and saying “help” I don’t know which way to go. A white car or pick up truck would show up and would go one way and I would follow and they would then disappear. Some of the darker elements of the world were also involved in this dream reality. The darker color cars would try and block me from going places. Not once did the police seem to see me as acting any different and the people in the lighter color cars were always smiling and waving and so I knew I wasn’t encroaching into or onto anyone else’s space or bubble as I like to call it. Its not a coincidence that the sattellite radio just finished playing a song from a phish show that I would call ‘my show’ while I was writing the above words. There is inspiration and muse right there in music.

Thirty days in the hole. Newcastle Brown can sure smack you down.

As I reached the top, well, what felt like the top of wherever it was I could go, I came to a fork in the road. I could either go up and to the right, or down and to the left. I figured I’d take the higher road and so I veered to the right. There was a gate, but the gate was open and I knew most people in this part of the world and area are pretty much nice, especially if the gate is open. I also didn’t have any other way to go and so I needed to turn around anyways and figured this would be the best place. The funniest thing was that I really needed to go to the bathroom and I just happened to light up a porta potty as I was swingin tela into a circle to head back down the mountain. I thought I had already started to make my turn but for some reason whenI saw the girl and boy that was in the garage, they started to walk towards me and I realized I hadn’t started to turn, I had actually driven towards them. They came to me and I tried to explain that I was lost and needed to go to the bathroom, but I couldn’t get out the words. The two people looked really familiar. So familiar that I felt as though I was in some sort of trance. I said “I don’t know why I’m here.”

The girl with the straight blond yellow hair, she looked about 19 or 20 asked me what my name was. I thought that was a little odd but hey, I figured wtf, why not. “Marnie”. I had spent the evening playing on the internet and had been using my nickname instead of my fullname and so I figured I’d just tell her my name was marn. She said how do you pronounce it? I said ‘Mar nee” She seemed to be happy at the response and smiled. “You can go back now” she said. I kinda jumped, startled at a stranger saying something like that to a stranger. The boy that was with her was also very familiar looking. He looked about 19 or 20 and had black hair very simliar to the hubby’s hair. It had been like seeing myself about 20 years younger living life with the hubby. Building a house up on the top of Mt Hood. I didn’t know if I was in the future, the present or the past because of the NPR strangeness. They were not reporting on things that were happening in the reality that I had been in at the bottom of the mountain and so I felt like the things I saw once I reached that point up at the top of the mountain as in a different time. I had a strange feeling in my stomach that it was sometime far in the future and I was seeing a parrallell universe that was existing just right down the road from me. I had been reading a lot of physics on the internet. I had spent hours watching physics professors teach me that they have figured out how the universe works. According to them, there is another universe just like this one, but its only a fraction of the smallest thing you can imagine away from us. Its the negative universe. And sometimes we can fall into that and bad things start to happen. Music starts to sound off key. Things go bad. Theres war, famine, disease, destruction, everywhere and no matter where we are in our world we can accidentally slip into that parallel universe. I wish that a website would appear telling me that what I’m writing makes sense but I have to go google to make that happen so brb

here ya go:

Everything you’re about to read here seems impossible and insane, beyond science fiction. Yet it’s all true.

Scientists now believe there may really be a parallel universe – in fact, there may be an infinite number of parallel universes, and we just happen to live in one of them. These other universes contain space, time and strange forms of exotic matter. Some of them may even contain you, in a slightly different form. Astonishingly, scientists believe that these parallel universes exist less than one millimetre away from us. In fact, our gravity is just a weak signal leaking out of another universe into ours.”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/horizon/2001/paralleluni.shtml

whats interesting is the date : 14 February 2002

March 9, 2007 Posted by | ankylosing spondylitis, anxiety, e-friends, grateful dead, kneecap, mt hood, music, NPR, pain, physics, positivity, reality, sickness | Leave a comment