Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Coldplay, Modular Synthesizers and A Return to the Road

That about describes the past few months.

I’ve found freedom I didn’t know I needed or wanted. I’ve returned to my computer, reading, writing and music. I’ve even purchased a guitar in a special color and learned how to play guitar; taught by someone who would turn into a good friend. I’ve faced my ex-husband in court having to testify as to why I needed a restraining order. That was hard. But I did it.. I survived panic attacks, some sort of amnesia, an empty oil tank and a tablet that seemed to have a life of it’s own.

I left a husband that had been not a good influence in my life. I can’t really say more then that as I am heading to court to face him in a few weeks. I actually ahve to sit down this weekend and go through the paperwork of our marriage that fell apart in March. In my mind it actually started to fall apart on New Years Eve. We got into what was really honestly one of the worst fights. And it was something that scared me too. It seemed like he was not comprehending the words that were coming out of my mouth.

This degenerated for the following months all coming to a head on March 18th.

I was trying my best to apply for a job that I really wanted. My health was way better. I was driving myself everywhere and even volunteered somewhere to see if physically I could handle being somewhere for a set of hours not knowing what my pain would feel like. The job required me to teach myself some computer skills. Something I can sometimes do if it’s not too technically challenging. I used to help run a torrent hub and loved the computer work. This job was kind of a dream job. On the computer. I could live anywhere. It was with music. My number one love. And customer service which is one thing I have a lot of experience with. I don’t know why I threw myself into learning a bunch of programs, I just needed to and ended up being awake a lot of the time in a 3 day span. The job, it was the catalyst. Along with the laugh that began the end of the end. I was doing it to keep him alive as the new politicians wanted to take away the help we received that kept his heart monitored. See he has CHF and had a cardiac arrest and died in my arms on the kitchen floor. But that’s for another post.

He began to badger me about explaining what the programs did. I was so amped, and had such a lack of sleep, and am still recovering from MOF, I couldn’t do more the a rudimentary explanation that did not meet his approval and he began to try and convince me that I was making things up.

Come to find out he had left me with large debts.

He had the bank card. That’s all I knew. I knew I needed to get it from him. I had no money. I had just had to lie to him to get 5 bucks. It may have even been 10. It was another chip in the wall of our marriage. I walked in the bedroom and tried to retrieve it. It was my bank card, he didn’t have one at the time.

As soon as I found myself out of the house. I went to where I felt safe with George, the pitbull I loved, and called a friend for help. She invited me over to the house, and I took my bag, and the dog and took a rest. I may have taken a shower, the details are quite fuzzy. I just knew I needed to get to the coast. Away. Something was drawing me there. Something I will never understand but it wasn’t something like a voice, or a person, it was just a feeling that would eventually guide me to safety and freedom. I got some cash. I made a hotel reservation and took off for the coast.

I ended up in the wrong city. At the wrong motel.

Many things happened that I will never explain in a public setting but some of you out there know what;s  up.

He convinced me to go back home with him and the memory of racing down the coast mountain range, seeing the clear cuts. I knew deep inside that this wasn’t right. I had ordered a new bankcard and he took that too. I finally got myself to the courthouse and got a restraining order. But he was at the house when I returned and wouldn’t leave. I ran to the nearest store, and since my phone had disappeared, I asked someone with a cell phone outside to call 911. I had no food. I had some money I can’t remember where I Got it, and I had to get back to the house in a few days to try and retrieve the newest bankcard that was on the way. It didn’t really matter though, as he had drained the account by that point. I may have had 20 in there? On top of that, the oil in the car had mysteriously dropped to the point that the red light came on while driving. I was petrified to take it very far. I found myself in the hospital recovering from a panic attack at the store. I was helped to safety in a motel room to await the cops serving him with the restraining order I had won. I was scared of him. He had never put his hands on me before and I had always told him if he did it was over. He was the third man to put his hands on me. The one before him fled because I pressed charges. I spent 3 days holed up in a hotel room with no cell phone, a really inexpensive tablet that would play my radiohead pandora station that seemed to comfort me the most. I watched KOIN and Price is Right. And they helped me pass the hours. I was afraid to leave the motel property and the only food I could afford was the vending machine in the lobby. I drank a lot of V-8 for the first time in my life as I knew I needed the nutrition. I’ve been trying to eat healthier as one of the changes I’m trying to make in the wake of the implosion of my marriage.

 

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October 10, 2017 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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