Esther Tela Free speaks

You woke me up

Clusterflies – Red

time to take a breather – it’s nice to make the brain work again. I’m not gonna lie. But things are starting to surface that are definitely difficult to think about. It seems as though every time there is a death, something new begins. And it seems as though change brings that about.

Staring at your walls, observing echoing footfalls…this one is for you

It was my birthday and I was turning 16. Maybe even 17. I had never had a boyfriend and I was dating Sam. He was the kindest most sweetest, most thoughtful boy I had ever met. He would set the tone for me for men, for sure, since my dad sucked.

Staring at your walls…this one is for you

He’s sleeping now. We are on totally different schedules, but that’s ok. I think he’s finally starting to get it. That there is nothing to be afraid of. It will all work out in the end the way it is supposed to. I explained my end goal the other day. I didn’t like the response I got when I told him. I was told recently that you can’t control what others do in reaciotn to you, you can only control your reaciton to them. I am really trying to put that into action every moment of my life.

So I ask you why, if I’m swimming by. Don’t you see anything that you’d like to try?

It’s still kind of fuzzy. The future. I have had a glimpse of the lighthouse’s beam and know where the rocks are but need to remember to trust myself.

Sam gave me a large, wrapped box for my birthday. I opened up the big box while sittin on the brick fireplace of my childhood home. I remember his blue eyes twinkling and the glint of the color of his hair is still a bright light in my memories. After I got the first layer of wrapping paper off the box, I realized there was another layer. It’s such a simple thing, wrapping a box, within a box, within a box. It has been over 3 decades since that present, but I still remember it as if it were yesterday. Things like that make a huge impact on people. I try to remember that myself. You never know when you just might make an indelible mark on another person.

From the bottom, from the top

I saw Sam at football practice and gave him a hug (I think?) And we drove away in the same direction. I had given him a mix-tape with some of my favorite songs on it. Everything from Wish you were here to sounds of silence. Sam and I pulled up at Woodward and Hickory Grove and I went one way and he went the other. He waved at me, and I can still see his big hand and glinting smile as he headed towards the mall with his little brother. Unbeknownst to me, that would be the last time I would see Sam. He would be tragically killed 15 minutes later when, not wearing his seatbelt, he ran a red light and was stuck by another car, killing him. I don’t know if this is true, but I was told by someone that that mix tape was found in the car after the accident. That might have been my first clue that music, is a little bit more then just a passing fancy.

Silent in the morning, suspended in the trees, lunchtime comes youve found your voice, it brings me to my knees.

 

 

 

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March 16, 2017 - Posted by | Memories, Stream of Consciousness, Trey | , , , , , , , ,

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